Posts by classfyed

classfyed

Sep 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Cornell Academic interest essay/ Transfer to CAS/ Culture Night < tentative titl [11]

I began to remember what happened last semester. The uncertainty and fear I felt was no longer intimidating. At that moment, I finally realized what was missing.

Culture Night finally ended and we were all back at our hotel rooms.

You should avoid repeting "finally." Maybe say "Culture Night ended at last" instead

I take off my Puerto Rico's national costume and put on my favorite green apple pajamas.

I think you already said you switched tenses a few times. It may be that you just haven't edited that yet, but this should read "I took off"

As I lay down on my bed, I saw the guidebook of the conference on my nightstand. I pick it up and start contemplating its cover.

This should be "picked"

~~It was orange and~~ in big bold black letters, it read "The 17th International Youth Leadership Conference January 2009."

Underneath it was a picture of the past participants of the conference during last summer .

This seems a little repetitive

They were around 90 students from all over the world, ~~all of them~~ smiling vivaciously at the camera.

"They" should be "There." Saying "all of them" seems repetitive to me. Try saying "each" instead.

I started to think about what I realized during Culture Night. For months, I felt that I was loosing interest in ~~the~~ Political Science.

Just some minor things I saw, but overall I think it was very well written. Hope I helped some!

classfyed

Sep 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App essay for UVA, criticism appreciated! [4]

I've already cut a lot out of this essay because I know it's long, but I'm looking to cut out a bit more. I chose this topic because I want to study cultural anthropology. If you have any advice on what to shorten, or any advice at all, please help!

word count: 980!

With the creak of a door, I met a world so filled with culture that I would never again be the same. The smell of Korean food seeped into my nostrils as that door swung open, an aroma that is now familiar. This is the strongest and most vivid memory I have of first entering the house. The next was the style of the house - open kitchen, open living room, open steps. Each wall is filled with pictures, all of the family or family friends. There are wall hangings with Korean characters and Bible verses, rugs, and jewelry. The stove is cluttered. The rice cooker is always on. It was, at first, a place so different that the indifferent and unsuspecting me could not understand.

My own home and family - how did it compare? The news on our television is in English. Our kitchen is filled with American branded food. The stovetop sparkles. The rooms are mostly separated. The house smells like Glade. There are few pictures around the house; they're of scenery with colors that match the walls. Is this considered culture? I'm not even sure how my family got here. When I first entered that house, when I spent the night there again and again, when I became so used to the house that it became a second home where I bowed to her parents, my elders, I had none of these thoughts.

Three years ago, I was invited to ch