Hey, everybody!!
Its me, again. Im sure you guys cannot get enough of me. j.k. This is my Academic interest essay, which according to a guy I talked to from admissions is extremely important. So please, be brutal. Please and thank you. Por favor y gracias. S'il vous plaît et merci. :D
PROMPT:
Tell us what you would like to major in at Cornell and why, how your past academic or work experience influenced your decision, and how transferring to Cornell would further your academic interests. Between 500 and 750 words.
Its 2:30 a.m. and I am sitting in a moss green chair with golden details around it. I am looking around me, trying to capture a 360 degrees view of the place. I loved the typical hotel-conference-room- aroma, complemented by a navy blue carpet and orange curtains. The room was colorful and bright, fitting for the group of people in it. It was the South Africans turn to present their country. They were eight of them all of different shapes and sizes, but all proud of being from South Africa. They started singing their anthem, some knew it, and others laughed at their own attempt at singing but their cheery energy transcended far beyond from where they were standing. Everybody in the audience was enjoying a new part of their performance, a skit of how South Africans react while watching soccer. Meanwhile, I came to a personal breakthrough. I finally realized what was missing.
Culture Night finally ended and we were all back at our hotel rooms. I take off my Puerto Rico's national costume and put on my favorite green apple pajamas. As I lay down on my bed, I saw my International Youth Leadership Conference guidebook on my nightstand. I pick it up and start contemplating its cover. It was orange with its title "The 17th International Youth Leadership Conference January 2009" written in big bold black letters. Underneath it was a picture of the past participants of the conference during last summer. They were around 90 students from all over the world, all of them smiling vivaciously at the camera. I started to think about what I realized during Culture Night. For months, I felt that I was loosing interest in the Political Science. I felt tormented by the fact that something I had always loved was somehow loosing its grip on me. However, being there at the conference not only reassured my passion in Political Science but I realized what I was really lacking was a focus, a focus within the Political Science major.
During the conference, I experienced many new things. I was part of a mock European Parliament, I represented China in a simulation of a UN Security Council, and I was the key witnesses in a mock International Court Trial. All of these events awoke a new urge in me; I was slowly falling in love with International Relations. When I arrived back home, I quickly began to look for information of what I had to do to declare an International Relations minor, only to be slapped by a rude awakening. My university offered no such thing. On the other hand, Cornell does.
At Cornell University, I will be declaring my major in Government. The main difference between Cornell's Government major and the Political Science of my university is that Government expands its courses on a much deeper range from economy to sociology, to the study of the politics on a variety of countries. It also presents me with the opportunity to concentrate in a specific part in Government, which in my case are International Relations. I began to research Cornell Courses of Study and found classes like International Law, Ethics in International Relations, Comparative Foreign Policy, New Forces in International Politics, etc that met my new-found passion for the international studies. Meanwhile, other classes like Politics and Culture, Interpreting Race and Racism: Du Bois, Social Political Philosophy, fulfilled my interest in the philosophy and psychology part of politics. At that moment, it became apparent almost instantly how the Government major was a perfect fit for me.
I will never forget the picture in front of the guidebook. Those 90 students represented so much more than a past alumni to me. Each of them represented my dreams, my goals and ultimately, the person I am to become. That faithful night changed so many aspects of my life. It not just helped me realize where my true passion lies but it showed there some much more out there. I want to explore new things. I want to embrace them. I want to immerse myself in knowledge and experience a new world. Moreover, I know that by going to Cornell, I will be taking one-step forward towards getting what I want. By going to Cornell, my path to realization can truly begin.
Notes:
The word count is 717.
After re-reading it, I think maybe I should skip culture night and start directly with the picture. Just a thought.
This is a rough draft. So I am sure there some corrections needed. The writer's block is gone. Thank God. I feel like Im getting my mojo back ;) *claps*
ITS 2.30 A.M., IT SHOULD BE IT WAS 2.30 A.M.
Thank you!, any other advice?
Actually, I have a mess with my past and present tense. So I'm fixing that right now. Anybody else ?
I somehow feel that your essay is a bit verbose.
However, being there at the conference not only reassured my passion in Political Science but I realized what I was really lacking was a focus, a focus within the Political Science major.
I think it should be not only-but also?
I suggest to put how you lose grip on Political Science before
Meanwhile, I came to a personal breakthrough. I finally realized what was missing.
because reading those two sentences are confusing for me at first.
but I think you have a good story there :)
Macca,
Thanks for your advice. I will be doing your suggestions. As soon as I finished rewriting Ill post it again here. Quick question, were in particular do you think its too wordy? I guess since I'm such a talkative person, it transcends into my writing lol ;). If you could tell me things I should rewrite or eliminate, I will greatly aprecciate it.
It also presents me with the opportunity to concentrate in a specific part in Government, which in my case are International Relations.
I have a question about this sentence. Is it worded correctly? Anyways, thanks again for your help. Other people are free to share what they think :P
It also presents me with the opportunity to concentrate in a specific part in Government, which in my case are International Relations.
how about : It also presents me the opportunity to concentrate in a specific part in Government, International Relations.
However, being there at the conference not only reassured my passion in Political Science but I also realized that I lacked focus within the Political Science major was really lacking was a focus, a focus within the Political Science major.
Its 2:30 a.m. and I am sitting in a moss green chair with golden details around it. I am looking around me, trying to capture a 360 degrees view of the place. I loved the typical hotel-conference-room- aroma, complemented by a navy blue carpet and orange curtains. The room was colorful and bright, fitting for the group of people in it.
I don't think this part adds something to your essay, but that's just my opinion :)
do you mind to check mine to? (see my profile) thanks! :)
will do :) (Both suggestions and check your essay :P)
NEW VERSION. IT HAS BEEN REVISED!! PLEASE TELL ME IF THERE IN ANYTHING I COULD CHANGE. If its consice, coherent and cohesive. Also, if it answers the prompt correctly. Just give your opinion lol Be brutal! URGENT :) Please and thank you.
PROMPT:
Tell us what you would like to major in at Cornell and why, how your past academic or work experience influenced your decision, and how transferring to Cornell would further your academic interests. Between 500 and 750 words.
It was 2:30 a.m. and I was at the top floor of the Olympik Tristar Hotel. The room was colorful and bright, fitting for the group of people in it. Culture Night was already underway and it was the South Africans turn to present their country. They were eight of them all of different shapes and sizes, but all proud of being from South Africa. They started singing their anthem, some knew it, and others laughed at their own attempt at singing. Nevertheless, their cheery energy transcended far beyond from where they were standing. Everybody in the audience was enjoying a new part of their performance, a skit of how South Africans react while watching soccer. Meanwhile, my brain began to unearth old flashbacks. I began to remember what happened last semester. The uncertainty and fear I felt was no longer intimidating. At that moment, I finally realized what was missing.
Culture Night finally ended and we were all back at our hotel rooms. I take off my Puerto Rico's national costume and put on my favorite green apple pajamas. As I lay down on my bed, I saw the guidebook of the conference on my nightstand. I pick it up and start contemplating its cover. It was orange and in big bold black letters, it read "The 17th International Youth Leadership Conference January 2009." Underneath it was a picture of the past participants of the conference during last summer. They were around 90 students from all over the world, all of them smiling vivaciously at the camera. I started to think about what I realized during Culture Night. For months, I felt that I was loosing interest in the Political Science. I felt tormented by the fact that something I had always loved was somehow loosing its grip on me. However, being there at the conference not only reassured my passion in Political Science but I also realized that what I was searching for was a focus within the major.
During the conference, I experienced many new things. I was part of a mock European Parliament, I represented China in a simulation of a UN Security Council, and I was the key witnesses in a mock International Court Trial. All of these events awoke a new urge in me; I was slowly falling in love with International Relations. When I arrived back home, I quickly began to look for information of what I had to do to declare an International Relations minor, only to be slapped by a rude awakening. My university offered no such thing. On the other hand, Cornell does.
At Cornell University, I will be declaring my major in Government. The main difference between Cornell's Government major and the Political Science of my university is that Government expands its courses on a much deeper range from economy to sociology, to the study of the politics on a variety of countries. It also presents me with the opportunity to concentrate in a specific part in Government, International Relations. I began to research Cornell Courses of Study and found classes like International Law, Ethics in International Relations, Comparative Foreign Policy, New Forces in International Politics, etc that met my newfound passion for the international studies. Meanwhile, other classes like Politics and Culture, Interpreting Race and Racism: Du Bois, Social Political Philosophy, fulfilled my interest in the philosophy and psychology part of politics. At that moment, it became apparent almost instantly how the Government major was a perfect fit for me.
I will never forget the picture in front of the guidebook. Those 90 students represented so much more than a past alumni to me. Each of them represented my dreams, my goals and ultimately, the person I am to become. That faithful night changed so many aspects of my life. It not just helped me realize where my true passion lies but it showed there some much more out there. I want to explore new things. I want to embrace them. I want to immerse myself in knowledge and experience a new world. Moreover, I know that by going to Cornell, I will be taking one-step forward towards getting what I want. By going to Cornell, my path to realization can truly begin.
I began to remember what happened last semester. The uncertainty and fear I felt was no longer intimidating. At that moment, I finally realized what was missing.
Culture Night finally ended and we were all back at our hotel rooms.
You should avoid repeting "finally." Maybe say "Culture Night ended at last" instead
I take off my Puerto Rico's national costume and put on my favorite green apple pajamas.
I think you already said you switched tenses a few times. It may be that you just haven't edited that yet, but this should read "I took off"
As I lay down on my bed, I saw the guidebook of the conference on my nightstand. I pick it up and start contemplating its cover.
This should be "picked"
It was orange and in big bold black letters, it read "The 17th International Youth Leadership Conference January 2009."
Underneath it was a picture of the past participants of the conference during last summer .
This seems a little repetitive
They were around 90 students from all over the world, all of them smiling vivaciously at the camera.
"They" should be "There." Saying "all of them" seems repetitive to me. Try saying "each" instead.
I started to think about what I realized during Culture Night. For months, I felt that I was loosing interest in the Political Science.
Just some minor things I saw, but overall I think it was very well written. Hope I helped some!
Thank you!! Exactly what I needed :)
