Common App essay for UVA, criticism appreciated!

I've already cut a lot out of this essay because I know it's long, but I'm looking to cut out a bit more. I chose this topic because I want to study cultural anthropology. If you have any advice on what to shorten, or any advice at all, please help!

word count: 980!

With the creak of a door, I met a world so filled with culture that I would never again be the same. The smell of Korean food seeped into my nostrils as that door swung open, an aroma that is now familiar. This is the strongest and most vivid memory I have of first entering the house. The next was the style of the house - open kitchen, open living room, open steps. Each wall is filled with pictures, all of the family or family friends. There are wall hangings with Korean characters and Bible verses, rugs, and jewelry. The stove is cluttered. The rice cooker is always on. It was, at first, a place so different that the indifferent and unsuspecting me could not understand.

My own home and family - how did it compare? The news on our television is in English. Our kitchen is filled with American branded food. The stovetop sparkles. The rooms are mostly separated. The house smells like Glade. There are few pictures around the house; they're of scenery with colors that match the walls. Is this considered culture? I'm not even sure how my family got here. When I first entered that house, when I spent the night there again and again, when I became so used to the house that it became a second home where I bowed to her parents, my elders, I had none of these thoughts.

Three years ago, I was invited to ch

Why did you spend time begging? Remember, introductory clauses always modify the noun (or pronoun) directly after the comma, whether you intend them to or not.


I've mentioned this on other threads, but religious references in admissions essay carry a certain amount of risk with them. You can still keep them in, just be aware that, depending upon where you are applying, they may harm rather than help your admissions chances.


I'd leave out the FOB reference, if I were you. The term seems more derogatory, as if it shouldn't really be thrown into an application essay.

Decent. A few minor things, though:


I have my doubts about this. People become friends for all sorts of reasons, most of them quite ordinary. The innate desire to feel accepted as social beings, for one. To have a support network for another. To develop useful contacts for yet another. And so on.


This sounds funny if you don't put some adjectives before "habits."


Interesting, but not exactly good from an admissions officer's point of view.

I've said this on other threads too. It's always a good idea to keep in mind and remember who is reading your paper. You never want to offend, or even risk it, even innocently. In these cases, the people reading control your future.

But you control everything you say. That's where your power is. So use it to your advantage.