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Posts by fuad hadi
Name: Abdul Fuad Hadi
Joined: Aug 18, 2018
Last Post: Aug 19, 2018
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  
From: Indonesia
School: Webster

Displayed posts: 4
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fuad hadi   
Aug 18, 2018
Writing Feedback / High school graduates are encouraged to start working or traveling rather than entering University [5]

continuing education or working/traveling for a year?



Nowadays in several countries, there are many young people who recently finished their high school period, decide to begin working or traveling for a year before starting university study. In this essay, i would discuss both of advantage and disadvantage before coming to the reasonable conclusion.

In the one hand, Mostly of high school graduates think, it is important to acquire many experiences from new places such as work places and traveling destination. They can actually socialize with a lot of adult and get a lesson from them. So, in that way, they understand how the mature people undergo their lives. For instance, some of these people in youth apply for a simple work in car workshops. As a result, during one year, they experience new skill such as repairing and assembling machines, in addition a lot of precious information can be collected from their mentor or colleagues about coping the life obstacles. There is no doubt that it will improve young people's life in many ways and this would not have been possible without the challenge from new environment.

However, this emotionally unstable people can easily get out of track from their academic career. because, job and journey gradually absorb them to be attached with ambition such as getting prestigious position in certain profession or enjoying endless trip. Afterward, it is hard to regain the concern about education. To show what I mean, In developing countries, many young people do not get educated at the level of universities. There is tendency to start working as soon as finishing high school whether they start developing small business or compete at the famous company employment. After they are hired, then they work hard till reaching satisfactory or impressive achievement. As the matter fact, no one can success over the period as short as one year. Consequently, their interest to enter university gradually fade away.

As the whole, I would suggest that these young generation to consider higher education as main priority, because the higher their education, the bigger their opportunity to get the highly demanded occupation later. it will be appropriate with government plan to rise the number of skilled expert in every sectors.
fuad hadi   
Aug 18, 2018
Writing Feedback / Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the graph below [3]

The given line graph illustrates reveals
You should remove one of them, because they are both verbs

between men and woman over
you can change this word into women as plural form

I suppose as overall, the figure of women couldn't be said having a downward trend, because the number of female smokers rose over the period shown. I think, we can say that the number of smokers were predominantly men.

registered the highest among the two
i prefer not to use superlative because we compare only two things.

decreased to about 550 men ...
you count it wrong, it should be 500

then continued plunged to a low the vicinity of 400 men in 1990s the following 10 years in this graph
You used two verbs in one sentence, you can change plunge into plunging or remove "continued" , just remove the stricken part or you write "stood under 400", i think it is not efficient to write two similar adverbs of time.

similar trend could be seen in the rates of smoking in Someland
this part is vague, because it doesn't refer to women figure

you repeated the same phrase and preposition many times in your writing. i find it difficult to understand your writing, because it is not coherent and you made several grammatical mistakes. you made two separate paragraphs filled with conclusion. you separated the explanation for the two figures, you didn't make comparison between them.
fuad hadi   
Aug 18, 2018
Writing Feedback / The graphs compared Japan and Malaysia in terms of five categories of average family expenses - 2010 [3]

Hello Van Phuc Bui !

The graphs compared Japan and Malaysia,
I think the word compared should be change to compare, in introduction part, you can use simple present tense

housing and other goods and services accounted for the...
I think, you should add "were" accounted to make it passive form

thatis 2 times larger than
Change with was

that was half of their spending
i think, it is better to remove this word, because it is vague whom it refers to

In Japan, the largest expense was for others good and services
i think you can change how you start the paragraph, because it is repeated

I'd suggest you to explain more detail about health care, because you put it at overall paragraph. In short, your writing is good enough.
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