Writing Feedback / Family's closeness - IELTS 2: Problems and Solutions Essay [4]

I will give some advice for your words and sentences.

paragraph 1:

Given the over-increasing ( It's not very appropriate to use 'increasing' to modify 'pace'，I will use 'excessively fast' to substitute) pace in modern life

family bonds have been deteriorated

some possible ways (This is not very natural expression, I will just use 'methods' or 'preventative methods') could(can) be done to ...

paragraph 2:

many ways in (by) which this ...

... fewer technological (electronic) diversions

... probably is the over-increasing (the problem again) pace of the modern life.
... competition, therefore, the closeness ... (here you can write more details about the link between reason and result. I feel it's not such logical)

paragraph 3:

it is true that many ways (remedies) could (can) be done ...

enhance healthy (reasonable) interactions

... time spent on technological (the problem again) devices at home

not('rather than' may be more formal) living to work

paragraph 4:

... reasons for the undermining (crisis) of family's ... are likely able to reserve(stop) this trend.