lannclarke
Jul 25, 2019
Writing Feedback / Friendship with work mates - ielts task 2 [3]
Hi Ngann,
I think that your essay can you use more clarity and your transitions between each paragraph should be more formal. For example, in your introduction you should consider rephrasing it to say: The workplace is a formal environment that sets boundaries on behavior and the manner in which people connect to each other. Many of the interactions that take place at work are predictable and reserved. Although informal, close relationships may happen, the requirements and expectations of being productive and decreasing distraction at work are likely to strain these bonds. Therefore, I believe that the best way to develop a healthy, varied social life is to meet people outside of work.
Paragraph 1 focus: The importance of collaborative relationships at work that are goal-oriented and efficient.
You can introduce your story about Mark, how him covering your shift allowed the restaurant to stay open and have a great day of business. Also explain that switching shifts with Mark, (not him taking your shift but you not returning the favor) was the expected professional and polite reaction that take places in the restaurant industry. Agreeing to switch shifts shows that Mark is a team player, sympathetic towards his coworkers, and cares about the success of his workplace.
Paragraph 2 focus: Relationships at work are distracting and inappropriate.
You do not have to mention your sister. You can instead say, "in some workplaces, such as retail, socializing can decrease productivity. For example, retail employees must be attentive to customer needs; shoppers may find it inappropriate to see coworkers socializing excessively instead of assisting them within the store." Also, personal relationship issues can cause unexpected consequences or repercussions when disagreements spillover into work.
Conclusion - Please be formal here, restating the introduction.
I hope that this is helpful! I usually find that when I use transitional phrases (on the other hand; in conclusion) excessively, it takes away from my writing. When I read your draft, the first thing I noticed was that the transition phrases were unnecessary. Making your opening statements more coherent should be the main focus and once you do that you can add in transitions conservatively. For example, in the second body paragraph you could remove "On the other hand" and start with "I". Spelling and punctuation should also be double-checked.
Hi Ngann,
I think that your essay can you use more clarity and your transitions between each paragraph should be more formal. For example, in your introduction you should consider rephrasing it to say: The workplace is a formal environment that sets boundaries on behavior and the manner in which people connect to each other. Many of the interactions that take place at work are predictable and reserved. Although informal, close relationships may happen, the requirements and expectations of being productive and decreasing distraction at work are likely to strain these bonds. Therefore, I believe that the best way to develop a healthy, varied social life is to meet people outside of work.
Paragraph 1 focus: The importance of collaborative relationships at work that are goal-oriented and efficient.
You can introduce your story about Mark, how him covering your shift allowed the restaurant to stay open and have a great day of business. Also explain that switching shifts with Mark, (not him taking your shift but you not returning the favor) was the expected professional and polite reaction that take places in the restaurant industry. Agreeing to switch shifts shows that Mark is a team player, sympathetic towards his coworkers, and cares about the success of his workplace.
Paragraph 2 focus: Relationships at work are distracting and inappropriate.
You do not have to mention your sister. You can instead say, "in some workplaces, such as retail, socializing can decrease productivity. For example, retail employees must be attentive to customer needs; shoppers may find it inappropriate to see coworkers socializing excessively instead of assisting them within the store." Also, personal relationship issues can cause unexpected consequences or repercussions when disagreements spillover into work.
Conclusion - Please be formal here, restating the introduction.
I hope that this is helpful! I usually find that when I use transitional phrases (on the other hand; in conclusion) excessively, it takes away from my writing. When I read your draft, the first thing I noticed was that the transition phrases were unnecessary. Making your opening statements more coherent should be the main focus and once you do that you can add in transitions conservatively. For example, in the second body paragraph you could remove "On the other hand" and start with "I". Spelling and punctuation should also be double-checked.
