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Posts by mikesperry79
Joined: Sep 28, 2009
Last Post: Oct 14, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 9  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 11
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mikesperry79   
Oct 14, 2009
Writing Feedback / government should spend as much money as possible on developing technology [3]

Your have some grammar errors in this essay, but I would do some revision before I worried about that. Here are some pointers to help you get started.

I think you need to try and focus the introduction a little more. You start our saying, "we cannot deny" and finish with "I obviously disagree." I think you might be bouncing around a little too much here. The introduction should prepare the reader for the ideas you are going to be presenting. I would also leave out "for several reasons which will be analyzed in this essay." This is not a strong thesis statement. You do not need to say you are going to be analyzing the reasons. Instead, make a strong statement that summarizes the points you are going to be addressing. After reading your statement, the reader should already know that you are going to be discussing your reasoning in further detail.

The body of you essay has some great points, but I would try to expand on this a little by picking one more topic to discuss. Try to find another area you think government would be better off spending money on, and write a paragraph on it as well.

Furthermore, humankind has confronted with many problems such as diseases, disasters which need to be solved as soon as possible. Government should spend more money to improve health systems in order to upgrade living standard.

When writing a paragraph, you should think of the first sentence as a mini thesis statement. In this case, I think the second sentence better summarizes the paragraph.

The conclusion should be a paragraph that summarizes your arguments. You need more than one sentence to do this.

I think you are off to a great start, and you have some very interesting arguments. Once you do a little revising, I think you will have a much stronger essay, and then you will be ready to focus on grammar.
mikesperry79   
Oct 13, 2009
Faq, Help / Why is my topic / thread deleted? [78]

just out of curiosity is it mandatory for every EF reply to be brutal and belittling. It doesn't particularly brother me but there are some people in this world who are sensitive.

Since you are using this site, I am assuming you are looking for criticism on you writing. There is a difference between constructive criticism and "brutal and belittling" remarks. I do not think anyone is intentionally trying to put someone else's writing down. As far as sensitivity goes, I would think most people would prefer to have some harsh criticism on this site rather than from their instructor. That is my opinion anyway.
mikesperry79   
Oct 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Maria and father - FSU Essay. [3]

I think you are off to a good start and this a great paragraph. However, I do not think I would use this as the introduction. This paragraph does a great job of showing the reader what "mores" means to you, but the introduction should introduce the reader to all three words. I would use this paragraph in the body, and define the other two words in a way that relates to you as well.

"Mores" is the glue that builds me up and that holds me together

I think this is a great line, but I would leave out "builds me up."

foundation of my being, my families being.

"foundation of my being, and my family's being."

when my great-great-grandparents, my grandmother, Maria, and my grandfather, Augusto

You describe them as your great-great-grandparents, but then you you say grandmother and grandfather. I would leave grandmother and grandfatehr out and simply state their namees, since you already told us their relation to you once in the sentence.

The story of my family centers greatly around the cappelletti, the dish of Modena and Forli in Northern Italy, where Augusto and Maria originated from.

The story of my family is greatly centered around cappelletti, which is a dish from Modena and Forli in Northern Italy where Augusto and Maria originated from.

I am not an expert writer, but hopefully you find this somewhat helpful.
mikesperry79   
Oct 12, 2009
Essays / San Diego with a another city - COMPARE AND CONTRAST ESSAY. [3]

I am not a profesional writer, but I will try and help as much as a can.

Can two cities, located within the same region of California share similar qualities, yet have distinct differences?

You do not need a comma after cities.

have a higher rate of automobile traffic

I would reword this somehow. Firstly, I do not think you need to say "automobile traffic." It just seems to me that you are talking about a city and most people will know what kind of traffic you are refering to. Also, "higher rate" does not sound right in this sentence either. Maybe you could say "higher rate of automible accidents" or "a higher volume of traffic."

Although San Diego does not have as great of a problem with traffic and statistically has a lower crime rate than Los Angeles, both cities, nonetheless have a presence of these negative issues

You need a comma after Although. I would also do a little rewording to this sentence. It is a little long and choppy. Maybe you could say, "San Diego has fewer problems with traffic and crime than Las Angeles, but both cities have a significant pressence of these negative issues.

For example, I find that the locals of San Diego are more likely to say hello to a stranger than in Los Angeles where a local is more apt to ignore someone and not even make any eye contact.

This is another long and hard to follow sentence. The end of the sentence sounds repeptitive. Avoiding eye contact and ignoring someone are virtually the same. I would reword it like this: "For example, the locals of San Diego are more likely to be friendly to a stranger, whereas, the locals of Los Angeles are more apt to ignore a stranger.

Although there are only separated by approximately 130 miles,

"Although they..."

Even though Los Angeles may have a greater point of interest index and is known more worldwide than San Diego and has higher rate of pay, the hustle and bustle and aggressiveness of the city outweighs its positive attributes.

Very chopy and hard to follow sentence. It feels like you are saying "and" way to many times. I would also reword this one as well.

They don't call it American's Finest City for nothing!

This is probably being a little to picky, but I would say "do not" instead of "don't" in an essay.

It looks like you are off to a great start. I think you will have a great paper if you do a little touching up. Hopefully, some of this advice will help you out.
mikesperry79   
Oct 12, 2009
Research Papers / Economic Crisis in Clinton Missouri - Research Essay [4]

Thank you for the advice. I completley agree with your comments about the last paragraph. I struggled to write this conclusion, and I am still not very happy with it. However, I still have some time before it is due, so I should be able to come up with a stronger closing. I was also wondering if I had the proper use of affect and effect in the last paragraph. It seems I always trip up on these two words.
mikesperry79   
Oct 11, 2009
Research Papers / Economic Crisis in Clinton Missouri - Research Essay [4]

I have worked on this essay some more, so I put the new revised draft for you took look at. Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Also, I feel like the closing paragraph is still a little week, so any ideas or suggestions on that would also be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Mike
mikesperry79   
Oct 11, 2009
Research Papers / Economic Crisis in Clinton Missouri - Research Essay [4]

Hello friends, I am looking for any advice I can get. This is the last paper I am writing for this class and it is worth a large portion of my grade, so I desperately need to do well on this. Thank you in advance for all the help.

Assignment: You must research a problem in your community or a nearby community. You must do the research by investigating with interviews, surveys, and looking through current material or stories about the problem. Do not solve the problem; just investigate and uncover the truth like a news reporter. You must present the complexity of the problem by defining the problem, explaining how extensive the problem is, and giving both examples and statistics related to the problem to illustrate its severity. This project should be about five to six pages in length. Also, you must have a minimum of five sources. This research must be done in the MLA style. The assignment must have a Works Cited Page.

Economic Crisis in Clinton Missouri

The United States housing market, long considered vulnerable by many economists, is currently suffering a serious collapse in many regions throughout the country. This housing market collapse has sent our country into a severe recession that some economists fear will turn into a depression. Stock prices have plummeted, housing prices are declining, credit is becoming harder to find, and many big corporations are on the verge bankruptcy. Most of the news surrounding this crisis has been focused on big business and the nation as a whole, therefore we rarely hear about the hardships of those struggling to get by in small communities. Clinton, Missouri is a small community like many others that is feeling the devastating effects of the economic crisis.

The combination of artificially low interest rates, excessive credit availability, and subprime mortgages was the root cause of the housing bubble and its subsequent burst. These subprime loans were given to borrowers who had imperfect credit, and many times these loans involved no down payments, negative amortization, or limited documentation of income. Reckless lending practices like this resulted in unprecedentedly high rates of default, which essentially drove housing prices down and weakened the financial system of our country (Wallison, Pinto). These policies created the conditions by which tens of trillions of dollars were lent without the slightest regard for risk. The loans, in turn, became the catalyst for the collapse of a structurally weak economy. Put simply, the easiest buyer to sell a product to for more than it is worth is one who has not saved up a down payment, does not have good financial skills, and has blemished credit. These are also the riskiest borrowers to lend money to, and many of them are now struggling to pay back these loans. Taking advantage of people like this became a common practice for many banks during the housing market's boom period.

However, not all banks are responsible for these predatory lending practices, and many small town banks avoided subprime loans altogether. For example, Hawthorn Bank in Clinton avoided irresponsible lending all entirely, which enabled them to circumvent much of the financial trouble that other banks are facing. Hawthorn Bank has not seen a dramatic increase in the foreclosure rate on their loans or a decrease in their ability to give credit to responsible borrowers. According to Andrew Englehart, a residential loan officer at Hawthorn Bank, the bank has been able to do this because they only make loans to people who have a qualifying credit score, proof of income, and an adequate down payment. Responsible lending such as this has enabled many small-town banks to survive the financial crisis better than some of the other banks that engaged in predatory lending.

The local banking industry appears to have escaped some of the pain caused by the housing collapse, but the same cannot be said for everyone in Clinton. James Keck, the Henry County assessor, reports that land transfers are down 28 percent from the previous year. Furthermore, according to Becky S. Raysik, the recorder of deeds for Henry County, the number of foreclosures in Clinton, Missouri has increased almost 10 percent since last year and, with three months remaining, those numbers are likely to increase. The main culprits behind the housing collapse are the predatory lenders that gave loans to people who should not have been considered qualified borrowers. These banks are being foreclosed on at an alarming rate, because the borrowers simply could not afford the loans in the first place. Almost 40 percent of all U.S. mortgages consist of the low quality ones know as subprime or Alt-A loans (Wallison, Pinto). As more and more people struggle to make it in this stressed economy, the foreclosure rate is likely to continue to go up in Clinton and other communities as well.

Unfortunately, all these foreclosures are finding their way into a struggling housing market, and this is making things even worse for individuals trying to escape foreclosure by selling their homes. According to Charlene Bishop, a local real estate agent in Clinton, house sells are down 32 percent from the previous year, even though the number of houses on the market has risen dramatically. With more and more houses being added to the market every day and fewer people looking to buy, home prices are dropping as well. As we all know, any time supply goes up and demand goes down, prices fall. This fall in prices is good for the buyer, but the seller is faced with a tremendous loss of equity. Many houses are selling for a fraction of what they were purchased for just a few years ago. This loss of equity accounts for major financial losses for many individuals throughout this community and the country as a whole. For the average person, a home is the biggest purchase they make, and many people who thought they had a substantial net worth are finding that all that money has simply vanished over the last year. Many of these people are even faced with the reality that they now owe more on their house than what they can sell it for.

Ms. Bishop also said that houses were much easier to sell when credit was readily available. Things were also made easier when many houses were appraised over the asking price. This meant that no down payment was required, since there was already enough equity in the home at the time of purchase. Ms. Bishop says that the current higher lending standards are forcing her to turn away people who do not qualify, even though they would have qualified for the exact same home loan a year ago. People who come in with blemished credit and no money saved up for a down payment are not as easily accepted by lenders as they were in the past.

Home sells are not the only area adversely affected by the collapse of the housing market. Residential construction has come to all but a screeching halt in Clinton. According to Gary Mount, the Clinton city inspector, there was only 140 building permits issued last year, which is considerably down from the 194 issued the year before, and the number of permits for new residential homes has dropped to almost zero. Many builders are thinking twice about building new houses that they will have difficulty selling in this troubled housing market. Furthermore, home builders are having an extremely difficult time selling the houses they already have on the market. When a builder borrows money to build a house, they simply cannot afford to have it remain on the market for years at a time. These builders pay interest on their loans just like everyone else. When their houses are on the market for long periods of time, profits are swallowed up by the interest paid on their loans. This is the fear that is causing many home builders to reconsider new housing starts.

This slump in construction has also had a devastating impact on the workforce in Clinton. Many people in this community are employed in the construction industry. As the construction of new homes is coming to a standstill, many professions in the construction industry are being adversely affected. These construction workers depend on the jobs that are created when new houses are built, and many of these workers are finding it much harder to find work. The U.S. Department of Labor reports that the unemployment rate for Henry County has increased from 5.1 percent to 6.7 percent since 2006. This is a staggering increase, but it does not tell the whole story. This number only accounts for those who are unemployed and still looking for work through the unemployment office. These numbers do not account for the self-employed who are struggling to find work, workers who have had their hours cut in half, or the unemployed who have given up on the hope of finding work and stopped filing with the unemployment office. When these people are taken into consideration, we realize just how profoundly the housing market has affected the construction industry. If the housing market and the construction industry continue this slump, as many analysts suggest they will, the unemployment rate could continue to rise far beyond its current level.

After carefully examining the evidence it becomes painfully clear that the severity of the economic crisis is much worse than originally thought, and its effects reach much further than the housing market alone. The bursting of the housing bubble has created major financial losses for many people in Clinton. Furthermore, the financial disaster caused by the housing market crash has had a crippling affect on the economy of this small town, and it has adversely affected almost every citizen in the community. 
mikesperry79   
Oct 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / Eating at Home or at a Restaurant? I prefer HOME [8]

I am not the best writer, but I will try to give you some advice.

Although some people prefer to have lunch at the restaurants but I prefer to eat at home.

Although some people prefer to have lunch at restaurants, I prefer to eat at home.

When you go to the restaurant

When you go to a restaurant

You also need to capatilize "you" at the begining of your fourth sentence.

10$

$10

3$

$3

In addition when you are eating out you don't aware of the ingredients that you are eating maybe some dirty vegetables or spoiled fruits in your meal, but when you are making the food yourself you are sure that you are eating a healthy food.

This sentence is confusing and should be reworded. You could say, In addition, when you are eating out you are not aware of the quality of the ingredients. You may be eating dirty vegetables or spoild fruits in your meal. However, when you make the food yourself you are sure that you are eating healthy food.

Besides fast foods are usually full of fat and calories which are harmful for our healthy and make us gain weight and become fat.

Besides, fast foods are usually full of fat and calories, which are harmful for our health and make us fat.

You do not need to say "gain weight and become fat" if you become fat it is obvious that you have gained weight.

By using new baking tools such as microwaves you can cook the meal in couple of minutes, but if you want to eat out you should drive the car to the restaurant if you are lucky and don't stick in traffic it's about 15 minutes and you have to spend time for ordering the food and waiting 20 minutes in average for preparation of your order.

This sentence just keeps running on. You should reword it and make it more than one sentence.

Finally beside the reasons I explained for eating out making food is a hobby for me and I really enjoy cooking In conclusion eating home is much better for me than going to the restaurant wasting time and money and eating unhealthy food.

Finally, making food is a hobby for me, and I really enjoy cooking. In conclusion, eating at home is much better for me than going to a restaurant, which is a waste of my time and money.

I hope this helps, and gets you a good start on your final draft.
mikesperry79   
Sep 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / Narrative + Descriptive Essay feedback [2]

I will try and help as much as I can, but I am far from an expert writer. With that in mind, feel free to use any suggestion you think will help.

"They never take this long," I said to myself.

You have only referenced your dad so far in the paragraph, but now you are saying "they."

Walking down the unpaved, rutted sidewalk, a cool breeze swam through the air. While this felt good, it also produced a loud whistle sound that startled me. The street lamps were broken; they had been shattered from a storm a few nights before. Glass from the light bulb still lay beneath them in the middle of the road.

You do not have a smooth transition from your sentence about the breeze to the senetece about the broken lights. I think you should tie it together and explain that the noise was scary because it was so dark.

He was wearing gloves - black gloves - with the finger tips cut off.

Saying "gloves - black gloves" sounds repetitive to me.
mikesperry79   
Sep 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / Collaborative Activity - Define Hope [3]

Notoman,

This site is awesome! All I can think about is how much better my grade would be if I found this site at the beginning of the semester instead of half way through. Thanks for all the suggestions, and feel free to keep them coming if you have more! I assure you, our group will appreciate it tremendously!

In the second paragraph, would you just leave the first two sentences out?

Thanks again,

Mike
mikesperry79   
Sep 28, 2009
Writing Feedback / Collaborative Activity - Define Hope [3]

I am struggling this semester in my English Comp class, and I desperately need a good grade on this paper. I just found this site, so this is my first post.

Prompt: Break up into groups of five and define hope. Then, define hope with a series of extended examples drawn from films your group members have seen, with each of you developing an illustrative paragraph based on a different film. When everyone in the group has read each paragraph, work together to formulate a thesis that asserts the vital importance of the quality your examples have defined. Finally, write suitable opening and closing paragraphs for the essay and arrange the body paragraphs in a logical order, adding transitions where necessary.

Films That Define Hope

Hope is defined as a feeling that events will turn out for the best, or what is wanted can be had. Someone who has hope will usually continue hoping, although the present gives them no reasons to believe in a good outcome. It is a matter of someone's faith, will, and strength to continue. Occasionally, a film comes along that is profound enough to convey hope in such a way that goes beyond simple definition. These unique films are a window into the soul that are capable of transferring emotions off the screen and into our hearts, thereby defining hope in a way that words never could.

Hope can be an elusive and fleeting thing. It is something to be chased and kept close to your heart during times of trial or trauma; hope is what keeps us alive. Hope transcends all boundaries. It is always there, but sometimes one must search for it, or fight to hold on to it. The film The Pursuit of Happyness is a very good example of how hope shows up during these times of need. In this film, Chris Gardner (Will Smith) is a salesman who is heavily invested in an expensive product that he is unable to sell, which ultimately leaves the Gardner family financially devastated. After losing everything, Chris Gardner and his son are left to fend for themselves on the streets of San Francisco. However, Gardner's luck finally changes when he beats out nineteen other applicants for an internship at a prominent investment company. This was the saving grace for the Gardner family because it allowed them to live a successful and financially comfortable life. Had Gardener given up hope, his family would still have nothing. It was hope that enabled them survive homelessness, hunger, fear, and just plain loneliness. Without hope there is no life.

Shawshank Redemption is a film that captures the human condition of hope, and touches the soul in a way that only a great film can. It portrays the true definition of hope as a promise that a positive outlook can propel you to a better tomorrow, regardless of current circumstances or unforeseen tragedy. It is a film about a young banker named Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins), who is sentenced to two consecutive life terms in Shawshank Prison for a brutal double homicide he did not commit. Once inside the prison walls, he is befriended by another inmate, Ellis "Red" Redding (Morgan Freemen), who tries to help Andy adjust to life behind bars. In Shawshank Prison, tragedy is reality, despondency is daily life, and eventually despair becomes a well known friend. Red calls this being institutionalized and goes on to say, "The walls begin as something you hate. As the years go by you get used to them, until finally you depend on them." Andy is faced with despair and tragedy time and time again; he his demoralized, stripped of dignity, and robbed of pride. Despite all of this, hope is the one thing Andy never loses, and it is that hope that becomes the key to his salvation. Andy's inspirational outlook eventually spreads hope to other inmates including Red, who ultimately comes to realize one important thing: "Fear can hold you prisoner, hope can set you free."

Cast Away is another excellent example of how a film can define hope. In this film, Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) is a FedEx systems analyst who travels the world trying to fix productivity issues within the company. On Christmas Eve, Chuck is unexpectedly called away on a business assignment. Before Chuck gets on the plane, he gives his girlfriend, Kelly (Helen Hunt), a small Christmas present, and promises her, "I'll be right back." While flying through a storm, his plane veers off course and crashes into the Pacific Ocean. Chuck, the only survivor, finds himself washed up on an uninhabited island with nothing but plane wreckage, FedEx packages, and a deflated life raft. In order to survive, Chuck has to learn to make fire, find food, and find shelter from the occasional storm. The only thing keeping Chuck alive is the hope that one day soon he will be rescued and reunited with Kelly. Day in and day out, Chuck looks at the only piece of memorabilia he still has; a locket with a picture of Kelly in it. This locket gives Chuck the strength to build a raft, stock it with provisions, and use it to find his way back to civilization. Chuck heads out into the ocean and is eventually spotted by a passing cargo ship. However, being rescued turns out to be a bittersweet experience when he finds out that Kelly has married and has a daughter. Chuck, still refusing to give up hope, realizes the life he had before the plane crash is over, and he drives off with the hope of starting a new one.

Hope is something that is held onto when it seems there is nothing else left. Hope is not something to lose sight of, but very often during times of trial it seems to disappear. In the film "Hope Floats," Birdee Pruitt (Sandra Bullock) is humiliated on national television by her husband and best friend when they admit they are in love and having an affair. Left to raise her daughter alone after an ugly divorce, Birdee returns home to live with her mother. However, this is not easy. Since all of Smithville has seen the television show, she is constantly faced with ridicule. Just when things could not get any worse, her mother passes away. Birdee is constantly faced with everyday trials that make functioning almost impossible and hope seem far out of sight. However, in the end hope prevails, and Birdee is able to move forward with her life. As Birdie so colorfully puts it, "Just give hope a chance to float up and it will." If she had not held onto the hope of getting through these difficult times, neither she nor her daughter would have made it.

I Can Do Bad All By Myself is a film about a selfish young woman, April (Taraji P. Henson), who struggles with alcoholism. After her mother suddenly dies, April is the only one left to care for her niece and two nephews. Also, April reluctantly takes in a Columbian immigrant named Sandino (Adam Rodriguez) after the church asked her to do so. April is shown struggling throughout the film; she was rude towards everyone for no apparent reason. Sandino realized April was a better person than she was allowing herself to be, so he took her to church and tried to make her recognize that she deserves more out of life. After her married boyfriend tried to rape her niece, she began to realize that she needs to start taking care of herself and her family. Throughout this amazing story, April changes from a selfish person, to a person filled with hope and a passion for life. In the beginning, she tells her niece that she cannot keep them, but in the end she joyfully changes her mind. April also marries the love of her life, Sandino. April's life did a complete one eighty. This amazing film shows that the human spirit is capable of anything as long as there is hope.

Hope is not something you can see or reach out and touch; it is something that you have to feel inside. These five films radiate hope off the screen, and go far beyond simple definition by allowing the viewer to actually experience hope for themselves. Hope can be a very hard to define with words alone. However, in today's society we are able to turn to films when a simple definition will not suffice, and these films can give us a little bit of inspiration when we need it the most. These excellent films combine story, visual images, sound, and music in a way which no other medium is capable of, thereby allowing the viewer to share the emotional experiences of the characters. In the end we realize that hope is the essential driving force of the human spirit, and it allows each and every one of us strive for a better tomorrow.

Works Cited

Cast Away. Dir. Robert Zemeckis. Perf. Tom Hanks, Helen Hunt. 20th Century Fox, 2000. DVD.

Hope Floats. Dir. Forest Whitaker. Perf. Sandra Bullock. 20th Century Fox, 1998. DVD.

I Can Do Bad All By Myself. Dir. Tyler Perry. Perf. Teraji P. Henson, Adam Rodriguez. Lionsgate, Tyler Perry Studios, 2009. Film.

The Pursuit of Happyness. Dir. Gabriel Muccino. Perf. Will Smith. Columbia Pictures, 2006. DVD.

Shawshank Redemption. Dir. Frank Darabont. Perf. Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman. Columbia Pictures, 1994. DVD.
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