Thao My
Jun 30, 2019
Research Papers / Argumentive essay, obesity in children/ Unhealthy foods [3]
Hello. After reading your paper, I found some that need correction:
1. CHILD OBESITY GONETO FAR -> TOO
2. ...no activity doneon a daily or even once a week... -> and no activity done on a daily basis.. (I think a conjunction like and at the beginning of this would make coherence)
3. Childhood obesity has gone up over the years from all over the world. Terrible thing if it just keeps going up.
Better: Childhood ... over the world, which would be such a terrible situation if this trend remained (A second conditional is better here)
I think your essay is a little bit informal, just in my opinion, sorry for that if I am mistaken. It is more like a magazine article about health than an argumentive essay. If I were you, I would use the word people instead of the pronoun you, which makes the essay more formal and general. Also, some relative clauses would be effective.
I appreciate your paper with plenty of information. Those above are just some suggestions that I would like to share with you.
Hope that they are useful!
Hello. After reading your paper, I found some that need correction:
1. CHILD OBESITY GONE
2. ...no activity done
3. Childhood obesity has gone up over the years from all over the world. Terrible thing if it just keeps going up.
Better: Childhood ... over the world, which would be such a terrible situation if this trend remained (A second conditional is better here)
I think your essay is a little bit informal, just in my opinion, sorry for that if I am mistaken. It is more like a magazine article about health than an argumentive essay. If I were you, I would use the word people instead of the pronoun you, which makes the essay more formal and general. Also, some relative clauses would be effective.
I appreciate your paper with plenty of information. Those above are just some suggestions that I would like to share with you.
Hope that they are useful!
