Scholarship / Learning from leaders - Chevening scholarship [4]

Hello, all the best with your applicaiton. I would suggest you use the STAR (situation, task, action, result) method for structuring your essay, this will cut out all the trash. Just google this method. Your actions are lacking give manifold examples. Actions carry the greatest weight in the assessment because it shows the leader you are.

Paragraph 1: too long. cut out
I have always ... (start with when I was young.....)
I was always scared ... (Don't show too much weakness, I also feel that this phrase is blocking the flow)
All that (maybe go with however, this changed during my undergraduate studies when I .......) my mindset ... union during my undergraduate studies.
This role immensely [...] opportunity Tasked with organizing extra-curriculum activities such as school debates, English and Chinese speech contest and sports like Football both for men and women.

Paragraph 2: Please add more actions you took.
Furthermore, my team and I gathered all ... college. (what concerns?)
One of our pioneer ... performance.

Paragraph 3: I think the result is okay.

Paragraph 4: (why do you want to learn from them? what do you want to change in your country? Eg expand my scope of knowledge and network to offer quality education/ reduce poverty/ build better roads....... in China.