the golden chance to learn from the best
I have always been afraid to be a leader, be it at school, family gathering or any event. When I was young, I had this mindset that being a leader would result losing my friends and creating enemies. I was always scared to ask/ tell someone older than me to do something. All that my mindset changed when I accepted the role of Head of education department in international student union during my undergraduate studies. This role immensely sharped me in many ways. This role gave me an incredible opportunity to lead a team in organizing extra curriculum activities such as school debates, English and Chinese speech contest and sports like Football both for men and women.
Furthermore, my team and I gathered all academics concerns of students and presented them to the Deputy Dean of international college. One of our pioneer project that still lives on is a tutor program in which arrangements are made by the department to have a team of senior students' conduct tutoring lessons to the junior counterparts in a very inclusive and effective method that has transformed the college performance.
As a team, we acted as a bridge between the university and foreigners because we realized that there was a salient communication gap because of the cultural and social barriers in China. Recognizing this challenge gave our student union an opportunity to help other foreign students since we knew how to work in multi-cultural environment, and therefore be able to express the interests of international students even though we faced some drawbacks. Through this work, I became an excellent person with interpersonal skills, leadership skills and flexibility to work in a multi-cultural surrounding with an independent mind. Such an experience enabled me deal with more than 500 international students who confronted me with many challenges that gave me insight on how to become not only an excellent student, but also become a responsible person.
I will be very delighted if granted Chevening scholarship 2020/2021, this will enable me meet potential leaders from all over the world and I will use any golden chance to learn from them.@RITAH
Hey, welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback becomes beneficial for your writing endeavors.
Firstly, the introductory paragraph was lacked proper organization. It would be better if there was a clearer delineation and transition between the logical links. Taking a look at it in greater detail, you may observe that you needed to incorporate more structure and precision with your wording. You started off the writing with mentioning that you are afraid to be a leader. However, the conclusive remarks of this paragraph led to your experience being engaged in extra-curriculum activities. You could have cut it off from the second to the last sentence instead of dragging it further.
Furthermore, the second paragraph lacks substance. The second sentence here appears to be rather a run-on sentence than an bold statement about your endeavors.
When you're describing yourself, try to avoid excessively using adjectives. Instead, it would be beneficial if you could mention specific instances that would reflect these traits/values for you.
@RITAH
- "sharped":check whether it should be sharpened (verb).
- "because we ... gap because of": Repetition of "because".
- "Recognizing ... drawbacks": This sentence needs touch-up.
- "I became an excellent person with ...": Is there any better way to express this?
- Wrong use of comma in the last paragraph.
- "... and I will use any golden chance to ...": Is this just one-way beneficial? What can you give others?
- In general, not so convincing for a scholarship.
Hello, all the best with your applicaiton. I would suggest you use the STAR (situation, task, action, result) method for structuring your essay, this will cut out all the trash. Just google this method. Your actions are lacking give manifold examples. Actions carry the greatest weight in the assessment because it shows the leader you are.
Paragraph 1: too long. cut out
I have always ... (start with when I was young.....)
I was always scared ... (Don't show too much weakness, I also feel that this phrase is blocking the flow)
All that (maybe go with however, this changed during my undergraduate studies when I .......) my mindset ... union during my undergraduate studies.
This role immensely [...] opportunity Tasked with organizing extra-curriculum activities such as school debates, English and Chinese speech contest and sports like Football both for men and women.
Paragraph 2: Please add more actions you took.
Furthermore, my team and I gathered all ... college. (what concerns?)
One of our pioneer ... performance.
Paragraph 3: I think the result is okay.
Paragraph 4: (why do you want to learn from them? what do you want to change in your country? Eg expand my scope of knowledge and network to offer quality education/ reduce poverty/ build better roads....... in China.
