suckasmack
Oct 12, 2019
Undergraduate / Common app essay - The gaming Cafe. A challenge, setback, or failure and its effect on me. [4]
@soo010207
Hi! Welcome to the forum! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
In the first few paragraphs, you did a pretty good job describing the setting. For me, I would change the number "50" to "fifty" to obtain a cleaner look.
Overall, the dialogue included often made the backstory sound much better, but the "PEW-PEW" sound in the second paragraph made the rest of the essay seem slightly unprofessional. Also, I would change all of the numbers to their word counterparts to achieve a cleaner look. I would be sure to accurately describe specific items as well. Throughout the essay, you gave vague descriptions in order to outline more events. While this can be beneficial, highlighting the important aspects while communicating with more details is much better. I would take out some of the filler and focus on the aspects that truly had an impact.
@soo010207
Hi! Welcome to the forum! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
In the first few paragraphs, you did a pretty good job describing the setting. For me, I would change the number "50" to "fifty" to obtain a cleaner look.
Overall, the dialogue included often made the backstory sound much better, but the "PEW-PEW" sound in the second paragraph made the rest of the essay seem slightly unprofessional. Also, I would change all of the numbers to their word counterparts to achieve a cleaner look. I would be sure to accurately describe specific items as well. Throughout the essay, you gave vague descriptions in order to outline more events. While this can be beneficial, highlighting the important aspects while communicating with more details is much better. I would take out some of the filler and focus on the aspects that truly had an impact.