Posts by kiwiii

kiwiii

Mar 9, 2020

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Writing:The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict. [4]

Thanks for correcting my grammer mistakes!

Thanks for your opinions, I really appreatiate it! But I'm confused of some parts you mentioned in the feedback. Could u explain more about the transition sentences and the using of personal pronouns? Am I suppose to use more "I" or my own examples? And I'm writing the TOEFL independent writing, so this is the whole topic. I'm not really get the meaning of the "prompt" of TOEFL writing.

Sorry for having so many questions. Hope to get your further response:)

kiwiii

Mar 9, 2020

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Writing:The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict. [4]

Strict rules for young generation

As far as I'm concerned, some conventional and even tradition rules in societies expect young generation to follow are too much for them.

In the first place, good kids means the student who have good performance and academic record in school when we're a teenager. When we're a student, what we hear most is that behaving well and working hard on studying are the only way to be successful. It seems like every kids have to be friendly with all people around us such as our family, our teacher and our fellows. These kind of rules are not regulations but it's the rigid impression of good kids to the society. Nevertheless, there are still many kids hating the rigid rules in school or behaving negatively about just sitting in the classroom and learning something they're not interested in. The teenager phase is supposed to be the most potential period for every kids to seek for their interest or advantage, and try to develop them as soon as possible, so the people should stop imposing some tradition view on the teenager.

Furthermore, a steady job with good welfare is the only perfect job for young. After graduating, more and more parents think that getting a offer from a big company with reputation or getting a job is relatively steady is the perfect future for young people. If our job is too unsteady, which don't have so much time to take a rest and accompany with our family, or if our salary is too low, it seems like we're not working hard for ourselves, and we'll end up living with an unhappy life. The truth is that there are so many young people don't even clear about their destination of future career after graduating, and we need time to adjust our plan for future or try something new in the first place. All the exploration and personal thinking about our future career seems meaning nothing in this society. If someone ask our job, and we answer something like a writer or a salesperson, the people will clarify us in "day-dreamer" and "another young with low salary". But if those are just their temporary decision or even an ideal job, I think they will be the optimized choice for those people.

Last but not least, getting married and having a child before 30-year-old or being judged. The situation of our marriage, the condition of our partner, the children's growth and so forth are something easily to be judged by the society. Being with someone and build a family are supposed to be something private and personal, but the economic condition of our partner and the decision just between the married people like having a child are always discussed by others. Married too late, having a partner with unsteady or low-paid job, having no kids are something against the norm in society, and if we have one of them in our marriage, this marriage may be considered as an incomplete or even failed one.

In sum, every different phases of young generation are having different kinds of potential rules needed to be followed to avoid for the society judgement, and it's too strict and unnecessary in this world because young have their right to be free to live.

kiwiii

Mar 9, 2020

Writing Feedback / The difference between men and women jobs [3]

In the first place, it'll be better to use some strong or interesting topic sentence at the beginning of your explanatory paragraphs. It's still easy to understand what kinds of opinions you're trying to express through your explanation of some examples, but they're not so eye-catching without a clear and logical topic sentence.

What's more, try not to use the abbreviation like "cos" in a writing. Also, try to reread and modify your first paragraph because there's not any punctuation, and it's hard for readers to figure out the logic inside, so it seems like a clutter for us.

Meanwhile, the topic is "the difference between men and women jobs", and some certain jobs you write about in your current essay such as pilot and housewife, which are easier for people to differentiate the job difference between two genders is really adding the glory for your own essay! But more details of them will be better. Maybe you can add some practical examples for your second paragraph, or it'll be considered a filler.