Posts by mimi304 [Suspended]

mimi304

Jun 7, 2020

Writing Feedback / The growth of online shopping will one-day lead to all shops in towns and cities closing [3]

I think that you should combine some single sentences that will make your essay look more academically. For example, instead of writing:
"The business models of .... Most of the big brands ..."
you can change a bit into:
"The business models ... have been changing rapidly by using online platforms, especially in big companies". This not only keeps the same meaning of your sentences but also avoids using 2 times of word "sell". Remember the simpler your sentences are, the more professional your essay is.

mimi304

Jun 7, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS：Essay about people change the jobs frequently [4]

In my opinion, you should firstly structure your essay into 4 clear passages: Introduction - Body 1 - Body 2 - Conclusion. In fact, the second passage in your essay should be removed or combined into other passages. Also, you need to have 1 or 2 sentences to conclude all your ideas, which will make your essay be more persuadable.

Secondly, you should lengthen your sentences by using "which, that, etc." instead of writing too many single sentences. From that, it will look more academically.

mimi304

May 31, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Modern lifestyle means that many parents have little time for their children. [4]

@Holt
Thank you a lot for your points. You're right. I did a wrong way of format, I will read other discussions to be more familiar with the structures before writing another task. I really appreciate your comment. It helps me a lot.

mimi304

May 31, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Modern lifestyle means that many parents have little time for their children. [4]

Task 2:
Modern lifestyle means that many parents have little time for their children. Many children suffer because they do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past.

Do you agree or disagree?

In recent decades, the rapid increase in labor force participation has dramatically affected the child-care time of parents. Although some argue that this tendency causes disadvantages to children, there are a large number of benefits that children receive from this trade-off.

It is clear that less time with children acts as an incentive for child development. First, if parents spend quality and meaningful time playing with their kids instead of quantity of time, they are likely to value the time and do not take children for granted. In fact, this not only benefits close relationships with children but also enhances unconditional love of parents, especially fathers. Second, since children do not put up with strong leadership of parents, they have a tendency to be more independent and intrinsically creative, which will be conducive to either their social life or work in the future. This means that being less reliant on others when tackling small issues such as homework or games ensures children not to be susceptible to big troubles in real life.

Also, reducing time for children contributes to a better quality of life. First, by determining to work long hours, parents are likely to earn more money at the expense of child-care time, which provides children with good nutrition and health care. In fact, without working hard to earn a living, parents have to cut back on their spending of food to ensure stability in a rocky economic environment. Second, in order to afford expensive and luxury holidays for children, it requires extensive work hours for parents. As a result, children feel happier when having joyful time with their parents rather than daily schedules at home.

In conclusion, less time but intensive care of parents not only brings children good development but also improves the quality of their entire life.