Writing Feedback / Many criminals commit crimes after they are set free. Opinion and solutions. [2]

In the beginnign when you put [personally, though], "though" seems to be an uneccesary filler word so I'd take it out.
As for the second paragraph, I'm pretty sure you mean "one the ONE hand, there are two factors that would detrimentally..." The "that I suppose" is unnecessary and it doesn't sound as good because it's just filler words. You want to make it sound strong so try not to include unecessary filler words. "This means to put an end to their lives." People already know this because that's what a death sentence is. You don't have to specify what it is because it's in the word itself. " For example, some people often have their devices stolen." It'd be nice if there were statistics to backup what you're saying because it can only make your paragraph stronger.

I think overall you need to cut down on the filler words and try to use less transition words. If you want to make your argument strong, you have to back it up with statistics and clear research.