Undergraduate / (Answered prompt correctly?) - University of Michigan Diversity Essay [3]

I've already submitted my essay but just wanted to make sure that I answered the prompt correctly.

At the end of the diversity essay I wrote "Through experiencing different cultures and social roles, I'm better able to identify and respect individualism. I will bring this open-mindedness and sense of community to University of Michigan. "

Does this answer to "how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan."

I forgot to include the word "diversity"..does it seem like I am off topic..

Undergraduate / "asian cliché" - U of I Activities essay [3]

I am an international and my grammar sucks. Please help me!!!

ESSAY #2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

What started out as an asian cliché lead to one of the most meaningful activity and development of myself as a person. Under Korea's strict education system where it is like a formula that every child knows how to play at least one musical instrument, that's how my violin playing started by my mom's nagging at the age of 7.I would come up with every reason why I should quit violin until I joined in the youth orchestra by my teacher's casual suggestion. Orchestra was a whole new experience. It was like listening to the CD music except I was the part of it. Lacking the skills, I would frequently get lost in the middle and play the wrong part. To keep up with the Orchestra and not ruin the beautiful music, for the first time, I voluntarily started practicing everyday. The more I practiced, I got better and whenever my playing got less squeakier and more melodious, I wanted to play more and more.Eventually, I took my violin to school and spent all lunch time playing, and devoted every extra time playing the violin and realized that when I really have passion for something, I can devote myself wholly for it. I gradually stepped up from the last shadowy seat of the orchestra to the front of the second violin then the first. My teacher saw my improvement and effort. She recommended me to take the violin exam to officially be acknowledged for my skill and chose me to go to go to the national competition as a city representative. From here, I made many friends that shared the same interest and enthusiasm and grew as people around me acknowledged me more. Over the years, I became the concert master of the orchestra where I was in the charge of the whole orchestra. I believe that playing the violin allowed me to find myself. Without violin, I wouldn't have discovered that I had a strong passion for what I truly like.