Writing Feedback / The advent of TV cannot make live performance loss its value [4]

You should include include the topic accurately so that the readers can know which type of essay is required. I do not know the topic is about " Argumentaty essay" or " Advantages or Disadvantages Essay" so I just can point out some errors in your essay.

- It can be denied that the aid
=> It can not be denied

or There is no doubt

- instead of paying a thousands of dollars for each ticket ( ticket for what, movie or liveshow)
- Secondly, crowded spots ... are potential places appearing criminals => you should use relative clause here.