mirajanesherry
Oct 3, 2021
Writing Feedback / Nowadays some people choose to live in the city while other chooses to stay in the countryside. [7]
First of all, the most serious problem in your essay is the misunderstanding. It seems that you didn't read the question carefully. Particularly, you're asked WHAT ARE THE THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF CITY LIVING OVER LIVING IN THE COUNTRYSIDE?, not whether it's a positive or negative development.
Second of all, the introduction mentions "leaving hometown to work in big cities is a popular trend of young people" which is totally incorrect, because working isn't related to people's decisions to live in big cities, according to the topic. So I think you lost your points on coherence and cohesion.
Third of all, you should divide the essay into 3 paragraphs. That's the typical standard for essays.
With respect to the content, you have 2 ideas related to the topic which are higher living standard and well-paid jobs. However, the third idea is irrelevant. Living without adults who work doesn't mean they're lonely, so this idea should be replaced by another one or specified. For example, adult children who live in countryside mostly have to leave their parents to go to big cities for jobs, which causes them to be lonely when there aren't their children around.
Finally, because the topic requires you to mention disadvantages, you should write some, such as overpopulation, pollution and crime.
Hope this helps!
First of all, the most serious problem in your essay is the misunderstanding. It seems that you didn't read the question carefully. Particularly, you're asked WHAT ARE THE THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF CITY LIVING OVER LIVING IN THE COUNTRYSIDE?, not whether it's a positive or negative development.
Second of all, the introduction mentions "leaving hometown to work in big cities is a popular trend of young people" which is totally incorrect, because working isn't related to people's decisions to live in big cities, according to the topic. So I think you lost your points on coherence and cohesion.
Third of all, you should divide the essay into 3 paragraphs. That's the typical standard for essays.
With respect to the content, you have 2 ideas related to the topic which are higher living standard and well-paid jobs. However, the third idea is irrelevant. Living without adults who work doesn't mean they're lonely, so this idea should be replaced by another one or specified. For example, adult children who live in countryside mostly have to leave their parents to go to big cities for jobs, which causes them to be lonely when there aren't their children around.
Finally, because the topic requires you to mention disadvantages, you should write some, such as overpopulation, pollution and crime.
Hope this helps!