Posts by theplaniverse

theplaniverse

Nov 3, 2009

Undergraduate / Elaborate on one of your activities.(Yale essay) [7]

I'm just going to point out a few general grammar/word choice errors:

According to the Greek p hilosopher Aristotle,"The quality of life is determined by its activities." I first saw this quote when it was written on my fifth-grade textbook . Since my childhood, I have never missed an opportunity to get involved in any activity in which I find myself intellectually engaged. After completing my 10th class, I got an amazing opportunity to work on the NASA Space Settlement Program conducted by NASA Ames & National Space Society (NSS).Under our physics teacher,myself and two other students put our heart and soul in this project. The project required attention to very minute detail in the creation of an ideal city -- from a good atmosphere to a legislative system. We named our city ZION (Does it have to be in all caps?) . My plan was to reside over 1 lac (What does that mean?) people in that place. As given to me, I calculated the energy required to accomplish various tasks in the ZION, proposed steps and measures to reduce wasted energy, and also found the average surface area that was to be exposed to sun to generate requisite amount of energy (by solar processes). I also was given the job of finding alternate sources of resources and energy, which I completed successfully. I learned a lot from this project. Various untouched facts were discovered by me. Overall this project was the best project of my life till date. However, I was here to learn, and my positive outlook helped me get the most from this amazing learning experience.

Hope this helps :)

theplaniverse

Nov 3, 2009

Undergraduate / I saw that dual potential in National Art Honor Society (NAHS) ; extracurricular [2]

A few general comments:

You know those people who get excited when they can fulfill mundane tasks and simultaneously save the planet?

I don't like the use of the phrase "mundane tasks." Is art a mundane task to you? Something more appropriate would be enjoyable activity or personal interest.

NAHS epitomizes the prototypical school club

A prototype is defined as "the original or model on which something is based or formed." I think a plain "typical" fits much better.

I seized its opportunity to interface my interest in art with my desire to make things happen.

Use "this" instead of "its."

I assumed leadership of NAHS' most logistically ambitious project yet, a trip to Chicago.

Use a semicolon instead of a comma.

The thrill of proving myself and bettering the experiences of others inspires me.

"Bettering the experiences of others" is somewhat awkwardly worded.

Overall the information itself is very impressive, and I like the last line, which ties it into something practical.

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Now on shortening it down.

This is an extremely short essay, so get straight to the point -- a cutesy introductory sentence isn't really necessary. You can probably cut out the first two sentences and simply say, "The National Art Honor Society (NAHS) epitomizes the typical school club: every activity is truly the result of student initiative." Or, even better, "The National Art Honor Society (NAHS) gave me the unique opportunity to combine my interest in art with my desire to make things happen." and edit from there.

theplaniverse

Nov 3, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Learning, seeing, understanding more' - Common app essay- why I chose my major [7]

I'm currently working on my personal essay for the Common App and a couple colleges that don't accept it. Two things:

1. General critique and suggestions.
2. The essay is apprx. 500 words, but one of the colleges caps the word count at 300. What can I cut out?

I'm aware I'm in violation of the "show not tell" rule for most of this, but I think a straightforward, expository approach is more my style than some sort of whimsical story that vaguely illustrates my point. I am, however, open to trying it if you think it'd fare better. And yes, I'm going to indent my paragraphs and remove the spaces between them, I just think it's easier to read this way. Here goes:

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Growing up, I always thought I would end up in the arts. Music was my first love: I delighted in the fact that I could express such complex emotions in so few notes, and the way listeners were drawn in by my music. I dedicated virtually all my time to music: practicing, listening, composing, learning music theory and history. By the time I was eleven, I had announced that I would grow up to be a musician and set out to pick the piece that would wow the judges at my college auditions. That's why everyone close to me was so shocked when I decided to pursue a career as a scientist.

To most people, art and science are the distant ends of a spectrum; one spanning from creativity to logic. But I never saw it that way. Art and science may not seem similar in practice, but they involve very similar goals and mindsets. My interest in both is motivated by the same basic desire -- although science is something cataloged and regulated where art is boundless and lawless, they are both investigations into our universe and interpretations of our findings. To put it simply, I am hopelessly infatuated with learning more, seeing more, and understanding more about the world around an inside me.

I first felt this connection in my sophomore chemistry class. To me, chemistry is the most applicable science, and also the most commonly misunderstood. Learning just the basics of chemistry radically changed my view of the world. I loved that I could look at steam coming off my soup or hear the fizz of a pop can and know exactly what was happening. The feeling of understanding even these basic concepts was addicting. Suddenly, I started looking at everything with a How and a What If in my mind: how does a computer screen work? How do chemicals in the air affect the global climate? What if there is a more efficient way to deliver electricity than alternating current? I chose to study cognitive science because once my questions about the world around me were settled, I began to turn my inquisition inward. Why do I care about these things? What makes two people have different opinions? How does my brain determine what is important and what isn't? And why is this lump of cells in my head so fascinated with itself?

Cognitive science not only incorporates creativity and my interests in science, but it allows me to study these impulses and their origins. After I realized that pursuing a different career in no way meant that I would have to give up my lifelong affair with music, I found it hard to choose which of my other interests to pursue. Chemistry, psychology, maybe computer programming? I felt like nothing could possibly link them all, but studying the brain gives me the opportunity to conduct research on anything from artificial intelligence to the biological origins of creativity. As far as I'm concerned, the doors are wide open.