KAYW
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Describe environment you come from - feedback [5]
Like far too many children in today's society, >>>How about "Like many children in today's society, ? (I felt as though "Like far too" was awkward and unnecessary...but of course it's up to you). Compliment's: I absolutely love that quote...it's beautiful. I love how personal your essay sounds. But I want to stress addressing the prompt, it seems as though you address half of it. You talk about your family and how that influences you and how it affects you, but there's more to your environment then those things. When there's a prompt...try to tackle as much of it as you can even if it's once sentence. I might suggest after this sentence: "Like far too many children in today's society, I faced parental divorce, guilt, fear of abandonment, disappointment, frustration, loneliness, and blame. We persevered by living a structured life. "...you should elaborate more on those children in your community like you, school and then tie up your essay talking about how your mother helps you deal with your environment and the great lesson you have acquired from her. Good Luck in all and I love your essay...you mother seems great. =)
Like far too many children in today's society, >>>How about "Like many children in today's society, ? (I felt as though "Like far too" was awkward and unnecessary...but of course it's up to you). Compliment's: I absolutely love that quote...it's beautiful. I love how personal your essay sounds. But I want to stress addressing the prompt, it seems as though you address half of it. You talk about your family and how that influences you and how it affects you, but there's more to your environment then those things. When there's a prompt...try to tackle as much of it as you can even if it's once sentence. I might suggest after this sentence: "Like far too many children in today's society, I faced parental divorce, guilt, fear of abandonment, disappointment, frustration, loneliness, and blame. We persevered by living a structured life. "...you should elaborate more on those children in your community like you, school and then tie up your essay talking about how your mother helps you deal with your environment and the great lesson you have acquired from her. Good Luck in all and I love your essay...you mother seems great. =)
