Posts by Nandia701 [Suspended]

Nandia701

Dec 27, 2023

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: Measures for intelligence [3]

In the first body paragraph, you mention that an intelligent individual is often more successful, but you acknowledge exceptions. Consider providing more examples or elaborating on these exceptions to strengthen your argument.

Be cautious with typos and grammar. For example, "Undobtedlly" should be spelled "Undoubtedly," and "intellect" should be "intelligent." A thorough proofread can improve the professionalism of your essay.

In the second body paragraph, you discuss ways to measure intelligence, such as education and the workplace. Ensure clarity by separating these ideas into distinct sentences. Additionally, consider providing specific examples or evidence to support your claims.

Nandia701

Dec 27, 2023

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1: INCIDENCE OF X DISEASE IN SOMELAND [3]

In the second paragraph, consider clarifying the phrase "proportion of being get X disease" to enhance readability. You might say, "fluctuation in the incidence of X disease."

Instead of "dramatically rise in the ratio," you could use "a significant increase in the number of cases."
Be consistent in your tense. For example, you switch between past and present tense in the sentence, "The number rose from 200 cases in 1970 to 500 cases in 1975 and still remain until 1984." You could say, "and remained at this level until 1984."

Nandia701

Dec 21, 2023

Letters / Stipendium Hungaricum motivation letter (Mongolian student) [2]

Dear Admission Committee,
My name is Nandin-Erdene, a senior high school student in Mongolia and I am writing to express my sincere interest in pursuing a one-tier bachelor's degree in medicine at the University of Debrecen and to apply for the Stipendium Hungaricum Scholarship Programme. I am excited about the opportunity to further my education in a field that resonates with my passion for science and my desire to make a positive impact on people's lives back in my home country and disseminate Hungary's culture. This program will "open all the locked doors" towards education in Hungary for me.

At the age of 15, I was a beneficiary of the Tomujin Alternative High School scholarship, the special opportunity provided by one of the top private schools that specialize in guiding students through the university application process. Also, The MYSP program with 5% acceptance rate nationwide. At the same time, I achieved acceptance into a medical high school with a top-tier score, reflecting my academic prowess and dedication to excellence. However, among all these opportunities, I chose my passion for medicine to help others from them mentally and physically. This important decision not only shows my ambition for academic and scientific pursuits but also illustrates a journey that would undoubtedly shape my future in the medicine and scientific field.

Mongolia is a developing nation that lacks the technology needed for cancer treatment and identification. Only a few who have enough money can manage to send their cell samples or can go there to indicate specific treatment needed for them, while the majority cannot do so. It is the foremost reason why I became passionate about helping everyone get access to advanced treatments for cancer. On the other hand, the University of Debrecen is a top-ranked research-intensive university that perfectly fits with my goal, I believe that I will greatly benefit from the pool of knowledge of its highly qualified faculty members, world-class learning, and almost 500 research facilities. Moreover, I aspire to study at Debrecen because their investment in all kinds of research which has earned them international recognition is admirable. Another thing Besides university classes, I want to participate in an internship in the interdisciplinary group of Dr. S since his astounding research shapes the edge of knowledge. Furthermore, I like to study in Hungary because of its high-quality education. Also, the country is multicultural, has stunning architecture, and welcoming to international students.

I aspire to use the knowledge and skills I acquire through this scholarship to revolutionize patient care in my home country. I want to bridge the healthcare gaps, advocate for patient rights, and ensure that no one ever would experience hardship due to their financial problems or lack of diagnostic capacity.

Affording tuition even in medical high school hasn't been easy, but through hard work, I was able to save up my living expenses for my basic needs to help my parents by working during the holidays. However, this scholarship will allow me to have an excellent education in a beautiful country as well as apply this knowledge to give a hand to the development of medical services in Mongolia.

Thank you for the time spent reviewing my application.

Sincerely, Nandin-Erdene