Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by JennB2288
Joined: Nov 17, 2009
Last Post: Nov 19, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 6  

From: China

Displayed posts: 8
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
JennB2288   
Nov 19, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Essay #1: My family and my dreams [5]

Thanks for the feedback...this is just a first draft, I forgot to say lol. So its kinda boring and unpolished right now...I'm going to switch the focus to more about me.

And to linmark: this kind of is what I really thought...although exaggerated...because I like my family...simple as that
JennB2288   
Nov 19, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 An important experience. Roller Coaster [12]

Thanks! I appreciate the feedback.

And Notoman, your comments made a lot of sense, I'll definitely fix my essay in those areas. I'm going to try to cut down on some adverbs and add more content.
JennB2288   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 An important experience. Roller Coaster [12]

to Mustafa1991:

Um I can understand some of your criticisms, but they don't offer any solutions. I need help, not insults.

And obviously you don't even understand parallel structure, or else you wouldnt have made that comment.

And I used "inundated" in the figurative way. Duh. What's your problem?
JennB2288   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Essay #1: My family and my dreams [5]

I need to keep this essay around 300 words since my other UC essay is really long..ugh...
Please help me develop the essay more, without using more words!!

1. Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Hyper, crazy, unruly, and lackadaisical as a child, I was a clear antithesis to my hardworking, disciplined family. While I was the spoiled youngest child, fawned over and cared for, my parents and sister lived in an altogether different way. With self-driven motivation, my mother and father immigrated to America and worked themselves up from living in near poverty to quickly climbing up the corporate ladder, attaining their current high managing positions. My sister, Cathay, mirrored my parent's best attributes, and used her intense competitive nature to become valedictorian, scholar athlete, and concert mistress during her high school years.

Naturally perfectionists, my parents and sister concentrated their efforts on my upbringing, acting as beacons of responsibility, diligence, and wisdom. Patiently and stringently, my parents slowly ingrained the motto, "Work before play," into my young mind. Even as they arrived home, exhausted from a busy day at the office, they would continue to expend their energy to focus my hyperactive mind on my simple homework assignments and piano practice. Each time I gave in to distraction, my parents would quickly advise, "Pay attention, then you can watch TV." Every time I abandoned my work, quickly defeated by any challenges or difficulties, my sister would remark haughtily but encouragingly, "You gave up already?" Through every tribulation, my family helped me utilize my latent capabilities and intelligence through self control, drive, and work and taught me how perseverance and diligence can lead to success.

Because of my family's support, my dream is to constantly fulfill the limits of my potential. I wish to be an exemplar of what my family has given me, the determination to strive for hard-earned success in everything I pursue, even if I am met with failure after failure. No matter what, I will keep working, knowing that I have come so far already.
JennB2288   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 An important experience. Roller Coaster [12]

Thanks!
Yeah, I think I need to develop that more...although I hoped that the description of my shyness, and how i overcame my fears would be enough to relate to the person i am...

since there's a word limit, im not sure if i can develop the question more
JennB2288   
Nov 17, 2009
Undergraduate / UC personal statement- community and family [7]

It's a solid essay, but I think you should try putting something unique to you in the essay. This seems a bit generic, but it's a good start. Just put more of your own personality into it.

Otherwise, good job :]
JennB2288   
Nov 17, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt 2: Significant achievement (Soccer) [6]

Your essay topic seems good and nice organization but you probably just need to work on a few small things...

1. You don't sound like you're bragging, it just seems like you're overemphasizing the introduction. Try toning it down, by getting rid of the "because I can, because its easy, because its necessary"

And instead transition to the actual point of your essay, soccer.

2. Some places, the sentences seem long and awkward. Try to make your essay flow more.

3. the dialogue part, "Your brain has helped you win so many awards and earn a lot of money," my friends would tell me. "That's the right life for you. Don't waste your time with sports". - doesn't really seem like something someone would actually say...

You could change to "You're so smart! Why are you wasting your time on sports?"

4. A part in your last sentence, "I dreamed of playing as a professional. Sadly where the dream was, the requisite talent wasn't and academics became my main focus." Is negative. It may explain your thoughts, but try deleting that part and keeping the end of your essay positive - it helps make your essay stronger.

Otherwise, good essay :]
Hope I helped
JennB2288   
Nov 17, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 An important experience. Roller Coaster [12]

I HATE word limit...is the first thing I must say. I'm scared that my essay seems rushed..and the sentences seem short or something (although i probably just read this too many times). I used this same essay and changed it a bit for the common app and USC :] Please read, I need feedback! I keep doubting myself.

UC #2: 2. Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

In one final death-defying stunt, the roller coaster plunged down between two explosive plumes of vermillion fire, rushing past the concession line, blasting the waiting victims with blistering heat and piercing shrieks. As I regarded this spectacle with horror, my jaw dropped, my eyes widened, and my skin sweltered with each consecutive fiery blast. Meanwhile, my fearless cousin Sherry giggled in the background.

"This is so not funny. Seriously, I'm going to get killed!" I cried, exasperated at my unaffected cousin.
"It's not that scary. Ok?" Sherry reassured, rolling her eyes.
I don't know how I got there, but there I was, a 17-year-old who had never summoned the courage to ride a looping roller coaster. With apprehension and petrifying fear, I attempted to find reassurance in the transformation I had made...

Just a year ago, I was in a similar situation, forcing myself to face my fears. Naturally timid and anxious, I had avoided new people and experiences with the same aversion I had towards roller coasters. Before any unfamiliar encounter, I would feel gut-clenching dread build within me, as if I were riding a steadily ticking coaster, nearing the edge of that first terrifying hill. While nervously awaiting my doom, I would imagine the appraising eyes of my peers burning into my fragile psyche as I stumbled over my words, struggling for acceptance and struggling to form friendships. Overcome with shaking nerves, I would constantly hide from my fears of embarrassment, failure, and rejection.

By junior year, I was tired of being scared and sought a life unhindered by my doubts. That summer, I accepted a position volunteering at the community center, taking my first leap over that daunting peak. Inundated by trepidation, I was lost within the sound of my speeding heart as I awkwardly interacted with the people around me. Gradually, I found my place at the center. The children I cared for started calling my name, fighting over the chance to sit by me, and even the other volunteers became my new companions, showering me with moments of happiness and laughter. It was a small success, yet it gave me the courage later to participate actively in a variety of school activities. During those first days of service, I realized that different environments and budding relationships are actually harmless. After passing that first intimidating hill, the subsequent downward fall released all the anxiety and terror, leaving me with a surprisingly satisfying and rewarding experience.

Finally, after conquering those fears, I was placed before yet another phobia: roller coasters. Nearing the front of the line, I nearly hyperventilated. As I walked onto the platform and felt seat restraints lock me into the terrifying monstrosity, my breathing quickened and my mind froze with familiar fear. When the roller coaster began its slow ascent, I suddenly snapped back to reality and panicked.

"What am I doing? No...I cannot do this...Crap!" I said, freaking out.
"Jennifer. Stop. Breathe," Sherry said firmly, "It's not as bad as you think. Just remember it lasts like 60 seconds, okay?"

With no time to respond, I left my cousin with one last, skeptical look.
Then I went, soaring in fantastic spirals, zooming through dips and turns, weightless and free. All I could see were colorful blurs whizzing past me, all I could feel was the air flicking across my cheeks, and all I could hear were my enthusiastic shrieks ringing in my ears. The feeling was nothing I ever experienced, an exciting rush of adrenaline as my stomach dropped from my body, torn in all directions by the centrifugal force. Strangely enough, it was...fun. When the ride ended, I was almost disappointed.

"Was that it?" I asked my cousin.
"Yeah. Pretty good ride. What'd you think?" Sherry replied.
"It was fun. It went so fast; I barely felt anything..." I said, embarrassed by my formerly panic-stricken state.
Yet with pride, I realized I had somehow mustered up the bravery to leap over my fears, despite my shy demeanor. With perseverance and latent courage, I had overcome my inner battles. Looking at Sherry, I heaved my shoulders up and relaxed them while expelling an exaggerated sigh, facing her with a content smile.

We both started laughing, and I realized there is nothing, nothing to be scared of.