Posts by astronaut

astronaut

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / UC PROMPT 2.- Important experience. [13]

I tried to bottle up the anticipation and put it aside; however, I felt like Alice in Wonderland entering into a new dimension.<-- I like this reference

It was a new experience for me as I have<--had learned to follow strictly from the teacher's instructions.

Why did Americans tip after eating at a restaurant?<--LOL me too

Excited for what I have<-had done, I greeted the elders and handed him his book.

Because I only had gone to an elementary school in Korea, I was not cognizantI feel like this is an awkward word chocie. You don't have to feel obligated to use big words. of these stringent school rules. I thought of the independence given to American students and the usual American's courtesy in passing objects with one hand to the elders. Suddenly, these American customs nowchoose between 'suddenly' and 'now'. It's a bit redundant. appeared rational to me. It was evident that aspects of American culture had been embedded This ('It was evident'..'had been embedded') is a passive voice. Active voices are always stronger. in me.

Now that I am capable of observing from the vantage point of two discrete, unique cultures, I have perspectives <--a perspective that others do not have. I will continue to seek out discrepancies between the two cultures and embrace them. After all, we are so different, yet the same.Strong Ending! I like it.

astronaut

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Essay about the influence my grandmother had on my life [3]

Sophisticated, proper, caring, and beautiful,<-- Consider putting a colon there these are all the words that ...
Ever since my parent'sparents' separation when I was two years old, I have been going to visit visiting--or i think its 'ever since...I visited' my grandma's house every Sunday in Great Neck Long Island, and every Sunday I realized how intelligent she is and how ...

When I was younger, I didn't reallyi would take out the really, but that's just me like going to my grandma's house.

She has shift from past to present tense wonderful stories from when she was growing up...
When I'm there every Sunday she feels like there is a part of him there too.<--pick a tense and stick to it. it switches around a lot and it is a little awkward

She's a very kind generous woman who will always help someone when she knows they deserve it.Show, don't tell! I feel like you're describing your grandmother in a completely objective tone.

... well-rounded person I am today if it weren't for my grandmother Roslyn Becker.I think you talk more about your grandmother than yourself in this essay. How did she impact you? What makes you a successful independent, well rounded person?

Overall I think you need to put in a more personal tone in your writing. Catch the reviewer's attention with a good hook and some imagery. Use your five senses!

Good Luck! :)

astronaut

Nov 29, 2009

Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

I posted a subsequent draft of my essay. Can the first draft be removed? Thank you.

astronaut

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App, Significant Expericence: Moving to Virginia [5]

Thanks a lot!

astronaut

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / UC#2 essay: Transformation (tell us about a personal quality... or experience) [2]

I love how words vibrate and resonate through my voice; the rich sound of butterfly and the funky sound of onomatopoeia. Oddly, these words are from the language that I so dreaded. Where I was born, English mirrored successful future. Any mother whose children spoke decent English thus attracted communal jealousy among other ummas. <-- I know you hinted a little bit that umma means mother by using it in the same sentence, and I'm Korean so I know what this means, but I feel like it's a little vague and that the people wouldn't know what it means. Yet sadlyget rid of yet , my umma never was the object of such envy. To her distress, I had no interest in learning a new language; why waste time? Encountering an English speaker in my little country was unthinkable- until my dad shattered my blissfully ignorant life.

Appa<--again, with the vagueness announced that our whole family was moving to the States. I bitterly argued against his idea, yet dissent was not a common option for a child. Soon enough, I found myself standing in LAX (Los Angeles International Airport) just write Los Angeles International Airport. You don't need to write out the abbreviations. surrounded by my loving family and a language that then was my adversary.

Fortunately, the "silver lining" was that the Park family has rooted themselves in Southern California with a vibrant Korean community. As long as I remained in that social circle and associated with only FOBs (kids "fresh off the boat")again, not a lot of people know what this means. Try to explain things without paranthesis and explain it in a way a lot of people can understand. , I could keep my English at bay. However, there was to be another challenge: Public high school. Here, I was scrutinized through the lens of hte stereotype that "Asians are smart." Instead of the brilliant kid that I was expected to be, I rather felt like a stammering idiot! hmmm, I wouldn't use an exclamation point here. but that's just my opinion, its completely up to you My lips always froze whenever I had to speak up in a class, and the thought of other kids laughing at my inadequate English and accent was just too terrifyingshow, not tell! describe how you felt using your senses. imagery! . My failure to understand idioms, cultural reference, and 'jokes' in English isolated me. My only hope was to endure until I ~~was~~became 18 and return to Korea to be the student that I was meant to be.

But now, on the verge of that very golden dream, I find myself ironicallyhow is this ironic? pursuing the opposite destination: applying to U.S colleges. What brought on this metamorphosis was a gradual epiphany that learning English is nothing to be ashamed of. My Language barrier was just a pitiful excuse to alienate myself; I looked out for various opportunities to get involved in school like trying out for sports- something I never imagined before moving to the States. Although trying out for the tennis team my junior year crowned me with bitter rejection (especially because I was practicing and taking lessons for almost two years!)<--this sounds like you're pleading or giving an excuse. You don't need to explain everything. , I instead gained self-confidence. I slowly found a new and diverse group of acquaintances in school. Soon enough, I became this girl who vivaciously chats and jokes around her friends<-- i think there is something awkward about this. , who grew to accept and sympathize with others. Class discussion no longer was the dreaded hour but a spark to my intellectual curiosity. Reading has offered a new, vast knowledge. I now appreciate the subtle difference in words and expressions.

I still struggle with this language- inhyphen class essays still get on my nerves, and speaking in class makes my heart thumps suddenly beat faster!again, i wouldn't use the exclamation point However, English is not my adversary anymore. In fact, good English, once viewed as a torment to please my mom, is now an oddly gratifying personal adventure. My encounter with English has inspired me to not only learn and explore other academic subjects and languages, but also to appreciate who I am.

I am proud that I came this far in five years. I am proud that I am applying to the US colleges. I am proud that I can embrace both my heritage and my surrounding cultural environment. But more than anything, I am grateful for my experience. It has taught me how to get over my fear, think positively, and persevere.

Who am I? Surely not the little kid who didn't want to learn a new language! I want to learn more, master other languages, befriend other cultures and get to know people all over the worldbefriending other cultures and getting to know people all over the world are kind of the same things. .

Just my two cents, good luck! :)

astronaut

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / UC 1: My world is a fishbowl [9]

I really like the metaphor of the fishbowl! Its really creative and it gives you a good way to segue on to your other paragraphs. Here are some things I think you could change:

"Always be humble, and move forward with your head held high," they said. <-- You use present tense in the beginning and suddenly shift to past tense in the next sentence. I think you should use past tense to describe that your life WAS a fishbowl to show that it isn't, now. Aside from this, I knew very little. As a child, I had always looked through the glass, <- dont think you need the comma here at a bigger world.

I merely enjoyed the sceneriesscenery . I remember observing that mostly everyone lived in adherence to a status quo, indistinguishable from the rest. Ironically, I was the same.how is this ironic? I lived behind a set of glass walls like everyone else, only aware of what was present before me, unable to see or act further than what I know<-knew .

Mine was an oriental themed bowl, decorated with cultural tales of adventures, morals, and love. i dont see how idealism relates to nonconformity Consequently, I grew up to be extremely idealistic and grimaced at the thought of conformity; I wanted an adventure of my own.

I did not mind in the least,semicolon? I was diadromous fish that enjoyed the migration between the varied waters.

Luckily, the support I received from my family waserase 'was' kept me going through disheartening failures and awkward faux pas.

Like a new born babebaby taking its breath for the very first time, I needed morekind of an awkward simile .

Thus, I aspire to work in the field of international relations, so that I may freely swim without limit, while making a change of my own.I don't think the ending is abrupt, since the whole essay is building up to your conclusion.

Good luck! :)
Oh yeah, please take a look at my essay!

astronaut

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / " Tutoring afforded me the compassion"; Extracurricular Activity - Peer Tutoring [10]

Hey, no problem!

I heard a huge bustle of laughter from a group next to me. <-- you could get rid of huge
Tutoring enabled me to have the compassion<--hmm. what about "Tutoring gave me the compassion"? that was so evidently missing in my peers.

At first instances like these amazed me. I couldn't believe a senior couldn't grasp something I learned in sixth grade. <-- you could maybe combine these two sentences. "At first I was baffled at the fact that a senior couldn't grasp something I learned in sixth grade." something like that But as time progressed, I began to understand. Although I was supposed to be teaching them, kids like Jeff who's illiterate parents couldn't teach him how to read or Carina who couldn't find time for biology homework because her mom was terminally ill, taught me more than they could have imagined.<-- this is completely up to you, but I would write this like "Kids like...taught me more than I could have ever taught them. Something like that. But yeah, that's just my opinion

astronaut

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App, Significant Expericence: Moving to Virginia [5]

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

*** NOTE: I bolded the parts of the essay I wasn't sure about. I feel like the essay is a bit melodramatic. Do you agree? Please give me your honest opinion! I'm applying to an art school by the way. Word Count: 686

Nobody knew me. The thought scared me out of my wits. My view of the world was about to spin out of its tightly-knit, familiar environment. Junior year loomed grimly before me.

My dad had taken a job in Washington DC. So in a humid July morning, I left Seoul on a plane. One minute I was in it, and the next I was watching it shrink as the plane went farther into the clouds. Then I was on the other side of the world.

Moving to Virginia was a surreal experience; I was born in the U.S. and had visited often, but still the place seemed foreign to me. The tranquility of my new suburban environment differed greatly from the chaos of the city. The streets at night were empty and had no lit-up signs floating in the dark. The skies were bright and wide, unobstructed by the tops of building and skyscrapers. People here were friendly and neighborly, and did not drive like maniacs. I didn't like it. Eventually the dreaded first day of school arrived and I went, not knowing what to expect. Trying to remember my friend's advice to "be yourself", I walked into my first class and my thoughts betrayed me as an influx of doubts rushed into my mind.

Throughout my first week I was faced with the same question from my peers: "Why do you speak English so well if you're from Korea?" It was all quite ironic. Despite the fact that I have always been an American citizen, going to an American school on an American military base, I felt like an outsider in America. I hardly ever knew what my peers were talking about when they flocked in groups, sharing gossip and making cultural references. It was a similar kind of alienation I experienced in Korean subways, where I would chatter in English with a friend and receive incredulous glares from the local people. Really the only place I felt at home was on base. My brother had left for college, my mother was working long hours, and my father had gone on a six-month deployment to Afghanistan in that same month. I felt lonelier than ever, but the solitude made me all the more determined to adjust. Surely, I was not the only one going through a culture shock; I grew up around military kids who were always on the move. If my friends could do it every other year, why couldn't I?

I realized I had been clinging on to my old life. I had been constantly comparing new school to my old school - its remarkable diversity, its intensive IB program, and its student body of 1,300 that seemed immense compared to the 600 I was used to. I had been afraid to open up to all the unfamiliarity and it was preventing me from doing what I wanted to do and being who I wanted to be. So I decided to open up. I joined clubs. I joined the marching band. I took an art class for the first time in school. Soon enough I was enjoying school and making friends from all kinds of different backgrounds.

I found out that each place had a beauty of its own, and I learned to love Virginia for its peaceful, empty streets and wide, unobstructed skies. My view of the world has expanded along with my view of the sky. I am more willing to experience things I have never experienced. Here I discovered that art is my passion. I'd always loved drawing, but had doubted the reliability in pursuing an art career. After being able to take an art class and learning how to face uncertainty I have realized that it is something I want to for the rest of my life, and that I don't need to be afraid of pursuing it. Now my goal is to do it for a living. For who could ask for more than being able to wake up every morning happy to go to work?

The image of Seoul under clouds as a sweeping grid of tiny concrete cubes is still vivid in my mind. The city that nurtured me will always remain my home, but everyone leaves home one day. It was when I left that comfort when I truly learned how to become open minded. This town that has witnessed my growth will also remain close to my heart. I know that in the future, with every bewildering new environment and challenge life will throw at me, people won't know who I am. That's fine, because I'll make sure they will.

Thank you!

astronaut

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / " Tutoring afforded me the compassion"; Extracurricular Activity - Peer Tutoring [10]

Good subject!

Thus, as I looked at that paper, I didn't want to laugh at all, if anything I could have cried. <--- Too many commas makes this sentence complicated. I don't think thus is the right word here. maybe you can make "If anything I could have cried" a separate sentence.

Although I was supposed to be teaching them, kids like Jeff who's illiterate parents couldn't teach him how to read or Carina who couldn't find time for biology homework because her mom was terminally ill, taught me more than they could have imagined. <--- What did they teach you? Maybe you can go back to the subject of the compassion you gained from tutoring. This sentence is kind of long and awkward.

Also, who's is supposed to be whose. I'm really not sure though.

Also, The smile quickly disappeared off my face. But you probably already got that.

Just my two cents. Good luck!

astronaut

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1&2 - My Father, a trombone, and I. [2]

I feel like the first one jumps around a lot and doesn't focus as much as it should on the question itself. The prompt "tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations," but you only talk about your aspirations in one sentence.

Also, at the end, when you suddenly bring in "My father has once been in a dilemma involving technology. He paid an unnecessary and large sum to fix a laptop." This is an introduction of a whole new topic. I think you should just stick to one focus. Maybe you could elaborate more on how your father's surgery and laying off affected you.

The laptop story is a bit confusing, and I'm not sure how this sentence : "I feel that love and happiness are one of the most impacting emotions humans can have" connects to it.

I prefer to be the person to lend a hand, not the one asking for it.
he underwent surgery due to a battle he was caught up in. <---be more specific here. what battle was he caught up in?
There are more grammatical errors, go over them with a teacher!

Just my two cents, good luck!

astronaut

Nov 17, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answers -- Marching Band [7]

Oh, I italicized the parts i was unsure about. It says in the post
Yeah hahaha we've been reading Hemingway in school. Then do you think I should integrate the month into the descriptions?
Thanks pcvrz!

astronaut

Nov 17, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answers -- Marching Band [7]

the parts I'm unsure about are italicized.

It is August. We wake up early -- though school has yet to start -- to go to band camp. The heat of the sun pounds against our skin as we march forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. It is September. We stay after school for practice. The sun is still strong but we don't mind as we struggle to march and play our music at the same time. It is November. The weather is cold now and we sill practice to perfect our drill. We perform every week. Afterwards we sit in the stands, eating, laughing, breathing into our instruments to keep them warm. It is our final competition. We hold our breaths as they announce the first place winner. It is us. On our way home, on the bus, we proudly sing our show tune. We remember what we love so much about marching band: music and unity.

I'm kind of iffy about using this one, since it's less traditional than the one I started on before. I thought a more creative approach would be suitable because it's for an art college. Is this a bad idea? does it defeat the purpose of a short answer?

I'd like to hear your input!
Thanks! :D