Is this a good approach? Or should I talk more about what I did?
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
I heard a bustle of laughter from a group next to me. "What's so funny?" I asked with an anticipatory smile. They showed me a paper left by another student. Every word in the paper was mispelled and grammer usage was virtually nonexistent. The smile quikly disappeared from my face. Tutoring afforded me the compassion that was so evidently missing in my peers.
As a freshman, I can remember trying to teach a senior the concept of negative numbers. At first I was appalled that a senior couldn't grasp something I learned in sixth grade. But as time progressed, I began to understand. Kids like Jeff, whose illiterate parents never taught him to read, gave me a deeper lesson about life and compassion then I could have ever given them.
Thus, as I looked at that paper I didn't want to laugh at all. If anything I could have cried.
Peer-tutoring has probably had the biggest effect on me, but it was kind of heard to convey that in 150 words. I'm also really invovled in my school so there are plenty of things I could write about, if you think I should toss this. Any advice is greatly appreciated! Thank You!!!
Good subject!
Thus, as I looked at that paper, I didn't want to laugh at all, if anything I could have cried. <--- Too many commas makes this sentence complicated. I don't think thus is the right word here. maybe you can make "If anything I could have cried" a separate sentence.
Although I was supposed to be teaching them, kids like Jeff who's illiterate parents couldn't teach him how to read or Carina who couldn't find time for biology homework because her mom was terminally ill, taught me more than they could have imagined. <--- What did they teach you? Maybe you can go back to the subject of the compassion you gained from tutoring. This sentence is kind of long and awkward.
Also, who's is supposed to be whose. I'm really not sure though.
Also, The smile quickly disappeared off my face. But you probably already got that.
Just my two cents. Good luck!
Thanks so much!!!
I need to cut like 20 words, do you see anything that is superflous?
Its refreshing how this resembles more of a creative essay than other peoples ellaborations on activities.
You should keep this activity, its very touching.
Hey, no problem!
I heard a huge bustle of laughter from a group next to me. <-- you could get rid of huge
Tutoring enabled me to have the compassion<--hmm. what about "Tutoring gave me the compassion"? that was so evidently missing in my peers.
At first instances like these amazed me. I couldn't believe a senior couldn't grasp something I learned in sixth grade. <-- you could maybe combine these two sentences. "At first I was baffled at the fact that a senior couldn't grasp something I learned in sixth grade." something like that But as time progressed, I began to understand. Although I was supposed to be teaching them, kids like Jeff who's illiterate parents couldn't teach him how to read or Carina who couldn't find time for biology homework because her mom was terminally ill, taught me more than they could have imagined.<-- this is completely up to you, but I would write this like "Kids like...taught me more than I could have ever taught them. Something like that. But yeah, that's just my opinion
I like how you answered this question in a creative way (rather than just saying: "I like tutoring because it has taught me ..."). Maybe you could condense:
At first instances like these amazed me. I couldn't believe a senior couldn't grasp something I learned in sixth grade. But as time progressed, I began to understand.
to a sentence or two... will give you some more space. It would be nice if you explained what they taught you. Instead of mentioning both Jeff and Carina, you could choose one and explain their impact on you.
Also, please review my essay if you get the chance.
Good luck!
150 words EXACTLY! =) Thanks so much! I'll be sure to look at everyone's essays. Is there anything else??!!
Use "a" and then "the" the make it a detailed, interesting sentence-sound:
I heard a bustle of laughter from the group next to me.
I heard a bustle of laughter from the...
Hey, Twizzlestraw, I laugh whenever I see your funny username. Is a twizzlestraw the straw that you can make out of a twizzler if you bit both ends off? If so, I'll feel proud of myself for figuring that out.
Thanks for all the help you have been giving here at EF.
quickly
Hmmmm... I have to scrath out part that does not make sense:
Kids like Jeff, whose illiterate parents never taught him to read, need our compassion and understanding. gave me a deeper lesson about life and compassion then I could have ever given them. As I looked at that paper I didn't want to laugh at all. If anything I could have cried.
:-) You are cool.
Thank you for the feedback Kevin!
To answer your question: no, but you're close. It's the username I came up with in seventh grade because I liked strawberry twizzlers. I use it all the time because its never taken. =)
No problem, this site is so helpful!
ha ha, well now I am going to start taking it, so watch out!
Well, I sure hope you know the trick about biting off the two ends and using it as a straw. They are hollow!!!!!! Who would have thought they could be used as straws...
