Undergraduate / a six month old embryo in a jar...? personal statement [7]

Bravo!! The revised version is very good.
im not the smartest cookie but ill try hah:)
The only things i would work on are these-

Coming from an Indian background my parents, who immigrated to the US for a "better life", have sewed the importance of education into every inch of my being. I cannot say that my whole life has been dramatically transformed by the creature floating in this little jar but from within the confines of its sea of fluid, without doing anything spectacular, this little baby has given me the chance to look at my place in this world forcing me to realize that although I have experienced much I also remain trapped in my own jar of unrealistic and naïve opinions constrained by customs and traditions of my society.this would be great if you coinside it with your background info

They have created a dream for me and expect me to follow it wrongly believing that studying hard, going to good college, and obtaining a well paid job will provide me with the luxury of happiness. They have kept the lid tightly closed by urging me to excel in every aspect of my academics but ignoring my wishes to hang out with friends or watch a movie. In their eyes I am still a child who must be told what to do.

As I finally tear my eyes away from this little bundle of innocence I realize that college will open my jar. giving me the opportunity to throw off my blanket and escape my you dont need my 2xthis little world but also to show my parents that I am so much more than just a good student. <-this is a very good conclusion, but try and think of a better analogy then "a good student"

can you please help me :(

(hover mouse pointer over my username and check my threads)

Undergraduate / "a drunken stupor" - Stanford - intellectually engaging [4]

Wow this is very good.
I agree with the above. If you are trying to compare robots and marriage you could use more analogies :)
Just a suggestion but I'm not applying to Stanford ha

Could you please help me out it would be greatly appreciated!

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 -My family and helping others [2]

Some things i marked through, some things i just erased and re-wrote. im not the best but i hope this helps haah.
-Your essay explains some good key points in expressing your interest in attending college to aid people just try and be more persuading and focus less on the negative and more on your goals, ambitions and your strive to want to better yourself and what you have to bring to the table.

;)
-sam

My dad, who has been a single father for many years, expects a lot from his three daughters. Being the oldest of the three, my dad especially has high hopes for me. This sounds akwardly worded.Basically, he wants me to attend the best university in the country and pursue the most prestigious career. But, I won't allow him to plan out my life for me. Although im undecisive on what it is i want to doI don't know what I want to do , I know that I'm not going to pursue a career just because of the number of zeroes it will produce in my bank account. I want to be someone that can help my community and make a difference. Despite our disagreements many differencesthe sole simularity we both have in common is a better life, and brighter future.I know that what we both basically want for my future is a better life than I am living now,which means that I must further my education. With an advanced education, I believe that I will be able to help my community better than I already have. explain how you have helped your community.

Since my mom left, my dad has continuously struggled to raise my sisters and meI . Although he tried to make a better life for us by moving us to a new city, the poverty we brought with us didn't help. Seeing that my dad lost his job due him continuously calling off for my sisters and i, i knew that the pressure he put on me would become an unbearable burden . I continuously struggled to live up to my dad's expectations because I wanted to make him proud. This meant basically(you dont need to use basically) replacing my mom by walking my sisters to school, picking them up, helping them with their homework, cooking, cleaning, and translating for my dad while keeping up my grades. The endless list of chores I had to complete everyday werewas never an excuse for me when it came to doing well in school. The constant struggles for me at home was a way for me to learn how to manage my time, and become a more responsible person. I continue to think of them as character building exercises.

There are many days where I wish I lived a more comfortable lifestyle, but I know that I'm not the only person that goes through these obstacles, and I have learned to accept them. Community service has opened my eyes to the fact that there are people that are a lot worse off than I am, and I am determined to somehow help those who are struggling.

Most of my peers say they want to be engineers and business people. I have considered both possibilities but I realized that there are other careers I would much rather pursue, such as a social worker or therapists, which will allow me to help other people. I want to provide a better life for myself and my family but, not if it means having a career that I won't like. I am passionate about helping others because it gives me the satisfaction of knowing that I can make a difference in someone's life. In order to do this, I must go to college and receive the skills that will allow me to assist others properly.

I have been reminded again and again by my dad that I will be the first person in my family to attend college. Although that may be a disadvantage(this should be an advantage not a disadvantage ,it actually drives me to want even more for myself because I know that there will be an endless amount of opportunities that will be available to me.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt; Repressed Memoir of My Past [24]

Everthing seemed really convincing and it was an eye catching read, just remember to check your grammar. You have some run-on sentences and some need commas.:)

Other then that sounds great!
-sam