ganadara000
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / regional Science Olympiad - "How Did You Get Caught?" Essay [4]
Hey, answering your posted question:
So, I believe that this essay focuses greatly upon personal ambitions (sorry if the word sounds cruel); however the first few sentences introduces some of your past glories. In my opinion, I would keep that; it broadens your academic scope as well as providing a nice hook.
Overall, the essay is great. It provides the officers with your dreams and how you became caught in them. But, I think it would be better to have a little more reference to the topic of being caught, instead of having so much imagery and detail cloud the true focus of the essay. Yes, I know that those amplify the meaning that you intend, but some of it can cloud the focus. That's my opinion.
Great job!
Hey, answering your posted question:
So, I believe that this essay focuses greatly upon personal ambitions (sorry if the word sounds cruel); however the first few sentences introduces some of your past glories. In my opinion, I would keep that; it broadens your academic scope as well as providing a nice hook.
Overall, the essay is great. It provides the officers with your dreams and how you became caught in them. But, I think it would be better to have a little more reference to the topic of being caught, instead of having so much imagery and detail cloud the true focus of the essay. Yes, I know that those amplify the meaning that you intend, but some of it can cloud the focus. That's my opinion.
Great job!