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Posts by ashtene
Joined: Nov 29, 2009
Last Post: Jan 10, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  

Displayed posts: 5
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ashtene   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Whitman College Supplement: Diversity Through Experience. [5]

Your essay sounds good:

By attending Leadership Kauai, Dawson said, "We, the participants, we're all hawaiian because we had the desire to help the Hawaiian community progress." It was at Leadership Kauai where I obtained newfound desire to protect the environment from outside threats.

You can combine both your program experiences in 1 paragraph by stating, "Another program I have attended was outside Hawaii,...

As far as the last sentence, it doesn't make sense.

Hope this helps!

Mind helping me out with my essay?
ashtene   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / USC - making choices based on the situation of the moment [3]

USC's speaker series "What Matters to Me and Why" asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs, and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered, and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.

our fate is the combination of own choices



"I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime" (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross). In life we all make personal choices whether it's what we want to be, who we want to be, or who our friends will be. Every day is a constant struggle of how our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Looking back at my life, there were times when I made choices based on the situation of the moment, and not on the foundation of my personal life goals.

A particular experience that is I vivid to me is when I decided to become a member of a fraternity. A friend of mine, who was thinking of joining, asked me if it was something I would be interested in. I told him I did not like the idea of affiliating myself with a fraternity because it would interfere with my studies. However since he told me he did not want to be the only one, I told him I would think about it. He then handed me a flyer of upcoming events to attend to get more information. As soon as he gave me the flyer, I looked at all the events, and with excitement told him I would join.

During the process of becoming a member of a fraternity, I saw myself becoming a person that I did not want to be. I was out almost every night with my fellow newcomers of the fraternity trying to prove ourselves that we were loyal, dedicated, and had what it took to become part of the organization. However, I started to lose focus on my studies and saw my grades slowly go down. Even though I had realized this, I did not do anything about it. I decided to continue in becoming a member of the fraternity because I did not want to let my fellow newcomers down. Finally, after three long months, I was finally initiated and welcomed into the organization.

Even though I became a member of a fraternity, it was a decision I should have no made. I started to realize that the fraternity was not for me. Instead of joining an organization to help it grow, succeed, or do charitable work, I joined an organization that did little of that. I also noticed that as I was struggling to get my studies back on track, most of the people in my organization cared less about their education. All that mattered to them was getting by in their classes. They did not use education as a way to make their life easier. Instead of staying up all night studying or doing homework, they would go out and party.

After only a semester of joining a fraternity, I decided to take a leave of absence from them to focus on my education. I discovered that my education is important to me if I want to succeed in life. I have also found that the only way for me to come out victorious is to surround myself with people who actually take life and their education seriously. Since experiencing this, I am now trying to make better choices that give a positive effect on my personal life goals instead of making choices in the situation of the moment.

Need some feedback!!! Does it answer the prompt? If any suggestions or grammar erros please let me know.

Thanks!
ashtene   
Nov 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / traveling the world is educational. it has changed me. uc prompt 1. [2]

great story! here's some sentences I fixed for you if you don't mind:

The city of Paris and it's lovely streets are a beautiful. It is a place where I would consider living or spending my life at because it is incredible, the museums are breathtaking, views are wonderful, and everything is luxurious. It can even be stress-free by riding in taxis and not worrying about having a car.

The dirt roads, dirty facilities, and villages that do not have running water or electricity makes me feel like lucky and thankful for what I have. Having to stay there for three weeks over my summer break made me overly appreciative for living in America. I love the experience because there is no better way to understand their lives than experiencing it first hand.

Seeing both ends of the world, rich and poor, the light and the dark has made me realize how lucky I am.

hope this helped!!!

mind helping with mine?
ashtene   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: Small town living, and how it shaped me [2]

Good start so far, for the first sentence there should be a comma instead of a period in between hills and I. Also I see no point in using semi-colons like you have, just put a period.

I helped rephrase a couple of sentences in red:

Through the help of one particular teacher, Mr. Ferguson, I saw that the opportunities were endless when given a chance to prosper. He taught six advanced placement classes, Chinese on his lunch hour, and advanced physics on his preparatory break. Given his hard work and his encouragement to succeed has helped to motivate me in furthering my education past high school

Most of my cousins live in the same area as I do and I see the way they were molded, allowing drugs and peer pressure to determine the way they live their lives.

^^as for this sentence, it doesn't fit in with your story...but then again it is your rough draft.

hoped this helped...

you mind helping me with mine?
ashtene   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Chemistry Major-UC Prompt #1 Transfer Student [2]

CHEMISTRY MAJOR

Please critique and tell me if there's anything wrong or anything i need to add, etc.
Also does it answer the prompt?

The most vivid memory of my childhood is possibly going to the Pharmacy frequently. From the age of two all the way to my freshman year in high school, I suffered from a terrible disease called asthma. Every time I had trouble breathing or my asthma would start acting up, my mom would take me to the Pharmacy to get some medications. The Pharmacist would always tell my mom directions for taking the medication, how long to take, and if there are any side effects. After countless visits and seeing the Pharmacist do his job, it inspired me to be just like him. It made me want to be the person behind the desk handing out medication to help people get better.

As I got into college, my passion for becoming a Pharmacist started to go downhill. Instead of making the most of my education to become what I wanted to be, I took advantage of the freedom I had that I didn't have in high school. Because of this, it caused me to rethink my goal in life. I still wanted to become a Pharmacist, but after speaking with a counselor he said it was best for me to get my Bachelor's degree in Science, so that I have something to fall back on just in case. As a result, I proposed to major with a Bachelor of Science in Chemistry, since many of the classes fulfilled the pre-requisites for Pharmacy school as well. Since deciding to major in Chemistry, my excitement for becoming a Pharmacist has increased tremendously. I found an interest for Chemistry I never knew I had. Every semester I seem more eager to attend Chemistry class than any other class. I find it interesting how many chemical elements are named after scientists. I've never dreamed of becoming a scientist, but since choosing to major in Chemistry and experimenting with different chemicals, I see myself becoming one. I find every aspect of Chemistry interesting and would like to continue exploring new concepts of Chemistry.

For the past year and a half, I have been doing volunteer work at my mom's clinic. Since volunteering, I've developed a fair understanding of what goes on inside the workplaces of clinics, hospitals, and pharmacies. While completing tasks such as filing paperwork, centrifuging blood work, ordering materials, and maintaining a safe and clean environment, I've found the work to be rewarding. I feel by doing volunteer work has prepared me for the real world. Although, I still have more to learn and training to do, this a start of something I am looking forward to do.
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