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Posts by NightRaven
Joined: Dec 6, 2009
Last Post: Dec 20, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 11  


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NightRaven   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Academic standards / Indian roots' - University of Rochester short answer [5]

First one!:

I believe that The University of Rochester is the ideal college for me because it is unique and suits my needs from every angle. The university has high standards in academics, which I find appealing because I'm constantly seeking to challenge myself.I also found through websites and speaking to a representative of the university that it is known as one of the best colleges for students seeking to attend medical school. Attending this school, will not only be a challenge to me, but it will also assist me in achieving my goal of becoming a doctor. By visiting the campus and searching onlinereading from various sources, it seems to me that the students are genuinely happy at the university, with the beautiful campus, city location, variety of clubs, and events. Between the educational benefits and the social life of living on campus, I believe that University of Rochester will provide me with the college experience that I seek.

So, all of that is 101 words, so you can still add a bit more. Here it is without those little crosses, red words:

The University of Rochester is the ideal college for me because it is unique and suits my needs from every angle. Attending this school, will not only be a challenge to me, but it will also assist me in achieving my goal of becoming a doctor. By reading from various sources, it seems to me that the students are genuinely happy at the university, with the beautiful campus, variety of clubs, and events. Between the educational benefits and the social life of living on campus, I believe that University of Rochester will provide me with the college experience that I seek. (101 words)

Second One!:

I believe that my Indian rootsorigin has made a great impact on the waysin which I perceive things. Taught to embrace mine's and others' cultures at an early ageAt an early age, I was taught to embrace every culture.That has helped me expand my horizons and become more open-minded and understanding to the diversity of society, particularly in an area like New York City. I am Catholic and my best friend is Hindu; eager to explore one of the unique cultural differences between us. I attended a Hindu festival celebration with her at the local temple. It was an incredible experience on my part, opening my mind to a cultural background that was different from my own. Working as an intern at a hospital, I have learned that being considerate towards your patients' customs is essentialhas also helped me learn to be considereate towards different cultures. It has reinforced the fact that this is not only important in the hospital, butimportant in everyday life. I can only hope that I may be able to bring my experiences and knowledge to University of Rochester. (165 words)

Gah, 146 words...still no enough.:

I believe that my origin has made a great impact on the ways I perceive things. At an early age, I was taught to embrace every culture. That has helped me expand my horizons and become more open-minded particularly in an area like New York City. I am Catholic and my best friend is Hindu; eager to explore the unique cultural differences between us. I attended a Hindu festival celebration with her at the local temple. It was an incredible experience on my part, opening my mind to a cultural background that was different from my own. Working as an intern at a hospital, has also helped me learn to be considereate towards different cultures. It has reinforced the fact that this is important in everyday life. I can only hope that I may be able to bring my experiences and knowledge to University of Rochester. (146 words)

For the second one, I think you're going a different way.."where you chose your own learning path"...so, what exactly was the learning path?

Hope I helped!
NightRaven   
Dec 20, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Grammar question: More knowledgeable than "I" or "me"? [9]

Grammatically, and logically, it IS: "This problem has occupied the minds of experts who were more knowledgeable than me."

OR:
"This problem has occurred in the minds of experts, who were more knowledgable than me."
NightRaven   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / FGCU Essay Rough Draft (Characteristics/qualities you posses..) [6]

You make alot of realistic references, great job!

I was born in the 3rd world country, Haiti. Later, still at a young age, I came to the US. I was confronted with diversities ad opportunities, which astounded me. I jumped into the melting pot head first and quickly began to blend in with the community. The history of my family has taught me to value and accept the opportunities given to me, to work hard for success, and look at the world in an open minded fashion. I am not like the under average person, who attends class and leaves with no sense of connection to the community. I'm the kind of person who enjoys getting involved. I look foward to the many opportunities that I wil be given, at Florida Gulf Coast University.

(Just rewrote the whole para, with some of the same sentences.)

Overall, I think it's a bit too perfect. Maybe, put one of your bad qualities, and then put how it helps, too? Like, you could get really angry/bossy and also be good at organization because of that. Ha, I don't know. But, yeah, try to tone it down, just the slightest bit! Or not at all, because it may be good just like it is! xD
NightRaven   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "elaborate on one of your activities" - UVA short answer [12]

Well, they mentioned "one of your activities", which, I assume, would mean that you have to type/write it in first person-form. Doubt it matters the other way, tho.

And...here's some help! (I'll just rewrite the whole paragraph):
Imagine a three year old playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, on the piano. She pressed the keys, instead of actually playing the song. Later on, she learned the basics of the piano, and her parents were very proud of her. They expected her to be interested in kinds of activities that would improve her skills over time, through practise, and that's how it turned out to be. Her passion for the instrument grew, and at the same time she wanted to perform in front of an audience, and entertain them with beautiful songs. From that one instrument, she was able to play the others, easily. However, she decided that she would only focus on the piano, because it fit her best. Since then, she has been playing the piano for fifteen years and now, she teaches others the way to experience the joy that that comes from playing the piano.

OR in first person:
I played my first song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, at the age of three. I pressed the keys, instead of actually playing the song. Later on, I learned the basics of the piano, and my parents were very proud of me. They expected me to be interested in kinds of activities that would improve my skills over time, through practise, and that's how it turned out to be. My passion for the instrument grew, and at the same time I wanted to perform in front of an audience, and entertain them with beautiful songs. From that one instrument, I was able to play the others, easily. However, I decided that I would only focus on the piano, because it fit me best. Since then, I have been playing the piano for fifteen years and now, I teach others the way to experience the joy that that comes from playing the piano.

First one is Exactly 150 words! (Didn't check the second) Hope I helped!
NightRaven   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / "Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone." [4]

Read the first two paragraphs, and pretty good. One question, you moved to United States WITH your father when you were 11? Probably not. But, later, you say, "for good," which makes me think you were already there and came back once in a while. (Also...you didn't mention the country you were born in in the first line, but then you say, "If I don't like USA, I have to go back to...(insert country name here)" I understand that you probably want to keep it private.

Btw, here's a few corrections:

I was born in ____________. Because everything seemed so perfect, I never thought I would neverever move to any other place. [Try not to start sentences with because. It could be like: I never thought I would ever move to any other place, because everything seemed so perfect.] When I was 11 years old my father moved to the United Stated, due to political issues in _____. After two years, he informed memy family, that we arewere going to move to the USA for good. I was very worried and upset; I didn't want to leave all my familiesrelatives, friends or the school I went to, for almost six years. It was very hard for me to even imagine my life without the people that loved me the most. [Better sentence: I couldn't imagine a life without the people who loved me the most, and the people who I loved the most.]

On the plane my way to the USA, I was crying to death because I didn't want to leave my comfort zone. I was worried that if I don't like USA, I might have to make the biggest decision in my life. If I don't like USA, I have to go back to Ethiopia and not see my father for years because he can't go back to Ethiopia. When I got to the USA, I was amazed by the diversity of the people. I felt like I can connect with people and make friends from diverse nationalities.

Rewritten Paragraph: While on th plane to USA, I was overcome with emotion, and was crying to death. I was going further and further away from my comfort zone. I was worried. What if I didn't like USA? I would have to retun to ______, and that would probably be the biggest decision that I'd have to make, in my whole life. If I went back to _______, I wouldn't be able to see my father for years to come, since he couldn't go back with me. All these thoughts faded away when I was finally able to witness, the diversity of the people in USA. I felt like I could connect with the people there, and make friends from different religons, cultures, and countries.

Hope I helped! Good luck with the essay.
NightRaven   
Dec 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "My father" - essay topic #3-an important person and the impact on you [8]

Good job on describing everything. Very descriptive.

Here's a few things you could add/remove/replace! xD:

"I did it! I was admitted by that high school," After knowing recieving the news, I rejoiced, with tears of happiness. Having conquered the toughest barrier this time, I was one step closer to my dream that I had held for five years. Yes, it was a dream having occupied me for five years, a dream that would never be proposed without the help of my father. [Sentence could be: Yes, it was a dream that had resided within me for five years, a dream that would never have been proposed without the help of my father. OR Yes, it was a goal that I had dreamt about for five whole years, a dream that would never have been proposed without the help of my father.] My father is my first and most significant mentor in my life, who, in my mind, he symbolizes wisdom, charm and experience. Although Even though, he is just an unknown middle [I'd replace with another word. A bit too harsh don't you think? xD] school teacher, he has exerted the most positive influence on me, with his unbelievably broad, and distinctive perspective.

By the way, I think it would look and be way better if you didn't provide a quotation for every single you and your father have said. You could indirectly write it, for e.g: My father asked me about which university I intended to go to. I replied honestly, and told him that it didn't matter to me, as long as I was accepted to one.

Good luck, though!
NightRaven   
Dec 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Of all the activities, in our outside of school, soccer holds the most meaning to me [9]

Out of all the activities, in and outside of our school, soccer holds the most meaning to me. I have been playing soccer since the age of six and most certainly love it. I have played in many successful and rewarding soccer clubs. I have also, competed four years of exciting and vigorous varsity soccer. I have attended several prestigious soccer academies during both summer, and my school year the years.. The reason why soccer is so meaningful to me is because it makes me feel good while I am playing and I seem to forget about the pressures of everyday life, whether it be homework or an important essay. To me, soccer is a the similie of life. It represents life the way most of the world sees it, achievements being from hard work, but impacted by uncertainties. Soccer has helped me grow as a person and I hope to continue playing throughout my college experience, not only to make it more meaningful, but because if fulfills me as a person.

- I doubt you'd need "and rewarding" since you've already stated that their successful. Which should tell the reader the same thing.

- Don't really need to say, "both summer and school year" since it's the same thing has a whole year.
NightRaven   
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Of all the activities, in our outside of school, soccer holds the most meaning to me [9]

Whoa, pretty deep stuff there, man. xD Here's a few additions, tho:

Out of all the activities, in and outside of our school, soccer holds the most meaning to me. I have been playing soccer since the age of six and most certainly love it. I have played on in many successful and rewarding soccer clubs, and have competed for four years of exciting and vigorous varsity soccer. [This sentence could be shortened, since it's a run-on: I have played in many successful and rewarding soccer clubs. I have also, competed four years of exciting and vigorous varsity soccer.] I have attended several prestigious soccer academies during both summer, and my school year. The reason why soccer is so meaningful to me is because it makes me feel good while i [should be capatalized] am playing and i [should also be capataplized] seem to forget about the pressures of everyday life, whether it be homework or an important essay. To me, soccer is athe metaphor of life. It represents life the way most of the world sees it, achievement being due to hard work, but impacted by uncertainties. Soccer has helped me grow as a person and I hope to continue playing throughout my college experience, not only to make it more meaningful, but because if fulfills me as a person.

- "To me, soccer is a metaphor of life." Shouldn't it be "similie"? since metaphors are used to refer to things that do not suggest a similarity. Similie is used to refer to similarities between two things.

- Great conclusion! ^_^
- By the way, you can add a whole lot to that. How your team mates supported you throughout? Why did you choose soccer in the first place? Where? How did you learn the basics? How were those clubs rewarding? Etc etc. Try your best!
NightRaven   
Dec 8, 2009
Writing Feedback / WISH FOR CHRISTMAS [6]

I just read the first para, great use of words! But, here are some things that could use a bit of fixing!:

I still remember your promise two years a go, but you maybe have forgot about it completely. Therefore it's never true to your words.[[don't know what you're trying to say here. Could be: Therefore, your words are never true. OR Therefore, your words never have truth in them.]]

There is coming Christmas one more time while we are a part farther and farther. Christmas is coming again, and we are still live apart. I don't know whether you are happy or not when even though we are separated. But I feelsad so much so much sad, because you broke my heart already. Do you know that it was the Christmas two years ago? I was silently waiting for you coming as you promised to come as you promised, but you didn't come. Even if it was a message you didn't send to happy me Merry Christmas. You didn't even send me a message that wished me Merry Christmas.

- Try not to start sentences with But, it somewhat ruins the flow of essays.
- Watch your order of words. Otherwise, your use of words is awesome. xD
NightRaven   
Dec 8, 2009
Book Reports / I need help writing a personal response essay on Identities by W.D. Valgardson [4]

Here's a few things I think don't really fit.

Without a doubt, half of,the story Identities by W.D Valgardson, contains contrast. As I read through the first four paragraphs, I envisaged the setting that Valgardson had intended to illustrate by using contrast. Valgardson illustrates the wealthy part of the city and the poor side with such sentences. "no ragged edges, no unkempt vacant lots... and quickly, a certain untidiness creeps in: a fragment of glass, a chocolate bar wrapper..." (pg 4). As soon as I finished reading Identities, I was taken aback by the action of the police officer who shot an innocent man judging by his typical criminal appearance. that, judging by his appearance, seemed (or looked) like a criminal to him. The word 'lost' goes well with the protagonist as he wonders around from his shelter, to experience a new world. "He does not hurry, for he has no destination. He meanders..." (pg 4). Throughout the story, I thought that the protagonist does did not belong anywhere, as he was unable to adapt to the new world that he was hoping to experience.

You could add more about how you feel about it, make references to real life situations, etc.
NightRaven   
Dec 8, 2009
Book Reports / Romeo and Juliet: "The Mantle of Mistakes" [4]

Thank you very much! But, I doubt that my writing was anywhere near perfect, but I also doubt I can't improve it. xD Also, thanks for the book recommendation.

I've edited the essay somewhat, by adding a few transitional words, and changing a few sentences around.
NightRaven   
Dec 6, 2009
Book Reports / Romeo and Juliet: "The Mantle of Mistakes" [4]

This is my - probably - my first essay, ever. I'm only 14 years old so bear with me. xD So, basically, it's about how William Shakespear's Romeo and Juliet's protagonists' death was caused by other characters. Thanks in advance for any constructive criticism, feedback, and for reading this crappy essay:

How is one supposed to learn from their mistakes when they do not even know that they made them in the first place? Every person makes mistakes, but only those that are wise learn from them, and actually realize they made them, while others merely overlook them. Errors and mistakes should be corrected, before it is too late. In William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, one is able to witness how severe mistakes that were neglected, and left unrealized, led to the tragic destruction of the two protagonists. Romeo and Juliet are from two families, the Capulets and the Montagues, who have past rivalries and do not associate with one another. Romeo and Juliet hurriedly marry each other, but because of their ill-fate, they eventually met their demise. Their death is caused not so much by their own flaws as by numerous obstacles in their path, which are created by other characters. The characters that most dramatically and critically affected the circumstances that led to the deaths of Romeo and Juliet are Tybalt, the Nurse, and the Friar Laurence.

The hot-blooded and furious Tybalt bore a grudge against Romeo, "Boy, this shall not excuse the injuries, that thou hast done to me" (Act III, sc i, ll 65-66) which inevitably led to a series of misfortunes. He had held that grudge since the day he confronted Romeo at the Capulet's party, where Tybalt was dishonoured in front of a whole debauchery. Later on, he pursued Romeo to take revenge, and erroneously slew Mercutio. Romeo then slew Tybalt to avenge his friend's death, and ran away. Meanwhile, the Prince announced that Romeo would be banished from Verona, "Immediately we do exile him hence" (Act III, sc i, ll 187). This caused Juliet to weep for her husband. Her parents assumed that she was sad because of Tybalt's death, and decided to get her married to the County Paris immediately, which is the biggest misunderstanding of all. Above all, her father threatened to disown her if she did not agree. This forced Juliet to take drastic measures, and drink the potion, which was followed by the death of Romeo and Juliet. If Tybalt had not pursued Romeo and initiated the conflicts, neither Mercutio nor Tybalt would have met their end, and Romeo would not have been banished. If Romeo had not been banished, Juliet would not have gone to such drastic measures to evade her marriage with Paris. If Juliet had not taken Friar Lawrence's potion, Romeo would not have killed Paris, or drank the poison, and Juliet would not have committed suicide. In other words, Tybalt disregarded the Prince and Lord Capulet's strict orders, and was obsessed with his family pride, which led to the ending we have now.

Besides the childlike behaviour of Tybalt, an adult that should take responsibility for the tragedy is the Nurse. She helps the two get married. She even goes as far as to tell Romeo, that, "For the gentlewoman is young and therefore, if you should deal double with her, truly it were an ill thing to be offered to any gentlewoman, and very weak dealing," (Act II, sc iv, ll 163-166) meaning that she makes sure that Romeo knows, that he better mean that he wants to marry Juliet. The Nurse helps Juliet to get to her wedding, which is very foolish of her, since she did not even think the slightest bit about what would happen if the two were to get wed. After Romeo's banishment, the Nurse did not support him anymore. Moreover, she did not understand that Juliet's love for Romeo was genuine, and not some childish infatuation. She betrayed Juliet, even though she was a wise and experienced woman. She encouraged her to forget about Romeo and marry the County Paris, "I think it best you married with the County" (Act III, sc v, ll 225) which discouraged Juliet greatly, since the nurse was the only person Juliet could earnestly confide in. This betrayal by the nurse left Juliet alone to make her own decisions. The nurse was supposed to be one of Juliet's best friends. Now when it was important for Juliet to have someone support her, she was disheartened. She also knew of the secret marriage between Romeo and Juliet, yet she did not notify others of it. As a result, the Nurse thought she was helping Juliet by leading her on that path, but, in truth, she was only helping her towards her death.

Likewise, the gullible and somewhat secretive Friar Laurence played a big part in the death of the young couple. Of course, the Friar did all the actions without even slightly thinking about the results. He was present throughout Romeo and Juliet's lives; he united them, came up with a plan to keep them together, and was an ally throughout their tragedies. Nevertheless, Friar Laurence's foolish actions in marrying Romeo and Juliet, creating thoughtless plans, and his fear of committing sin, all contributed to the deaths of them. For instance, after the death of Mercutio and Tybalt, and Romeo's banishment, Friar Laurence was still not aware of the consequences of Romeo and Juliet's marriage. Instead, he continued his effort in reuniting Romeo and Juliet. The plan he concocted for reuniting them was very risky, and badly thought out. Juliet was willing to commit suicide if the Friar did not help her, so, to appease her, the Friar gave her a potion to drink that would keep her in a death-like state for forty-two hours. Meanwhile, he sent a letter to inform Romeo of the plan, but it never reached him. Friar John, the person who was supposed to deliver the letter, told this to Friar Laurence, "I could not send it-here it is again-" (Act V, sc ii, ll 14). This reveals to us that Friar Laurence had no told the messenger about the significance of the letter. Also, Friar Laurence did not abide by his agreement with Romeo, "Sojourn in Mantua; I'll find out your man, / and he shall signify from time to time" (Act III, sc iii, ll 168-169) which meant he would notify Romeo of happenings via his manservant, Balthasar. Furthermore, the Friar contributes to the death of Juliet by his cowardly behaviour in the tomb. He does not comfort her at seeing her love dead and he also does not give her hope for future life other than life among holy nuns, and "I'll dispose of thee / among a sisterhood of holy nuns" (Act V, sc iii, ll 156-157). After that, he abandons her, as he does not want to be seen or caught in the midst of all that. This is very irresponsible, cowardly, and selfish, especially since Juliet had threatened to kill herself in the presence of Friar Laurence earlier in the play. In any case, because of Friar Laurence's short-sightedness and lack of a well-thought out plan, he doomed those he tried to help. Therefore, it would have been best for the two, if they had not known Friar Laurence at all. He had put the core of the catastrophe into motion, all starting with rashness, hastiness and numerous bad decisions. He tried to please everyone, but ended up pleasing no one.

In brief, from the very beginning, the young couple was destined to die. Almost every decision made by the three characters, leads up to the deaths of Romeo and Juliet. These characters are Tybalt, the Nurse and Friar Laurence. They assisted fate in succeeding to not allow Romeo and Juliet to be together. The deaths were the fault of the people who did not realize their mistakes, and now grieve. All of them made considerable mistakes by not thinking before they acted. If the nurse had continued supporting her, the friar thought carefully and Tybalt did not hold a grudge, these deaths would not have occurred. The outcome would have been completely different. The errors of one moment became the sorrow of whole lives.
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