Please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer)
Imagine a 3 year old girl plays Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the piano. She was just pressing the keys rather than playing the song. Only recently she had started to play the piano, and her parents were proud of her. They expected her to have interests in some sort of activity and that her skills would improve overtime through practice. As her passion for making music on the piano grew, she wanted to perform in front of an audience and play beautiful songs for them. From playing the piano, she was able to play other instruments easily. However, she decided to focus on only one instrument and chose the piano because it seemed to fit her best. Now, she has been playing the piano for fifteen years and wants the students, she now teaches, to experience the joy that comes from playing the piano.
hi,
i really need help for this essay..
i wrote this as 3rd person and i am not sure that i am allowed to do it
i know i have to put italic size for the title of the song
and tell me any grammar errors or awkward sentences!
thank you very much~
I don't like how the entire piece is in third person...it's supposed to be a personal account and this just seems a bit awkward.
Well, they mentioned "one of your activities", which, I assume, would mean that you have to type/write it in first person-form. Doubt it matters the other way, tho.
And...here's some help! (I'll just rewrite the whole paragraph):
Imagine a three year old playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, on the piano. She pressed the keys, instead of actually playing the song. Later on, she learned the basics of the piano, and her parents were very proud of her. They expected her to be interested in kinds of activities that would improve her skills over time, through practise, and that's how it turned out to be. Her passion for the instrument grew, and at the same time she wanted to perform in front of an audience, and entertain them with beautiful songs. From that one instrument, she was able to play the others, easily. However, she decided that she would only focus on the piano, because it fit her best. Since then, she has been playing the piano for fifteen years and now, she teaches others the way to experience the joy that that comes from playing the piano.
OR in first person:
I played my first song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, at the age of three. I pressed the keys, instead of actually playing the song. Later on, I learned the basics of the piano, and my parents were very proud of me. They expected me to be interested in kinds of activities that would improve my skills over time, through practise, and that's how it turned out to be. My passion for the instrument grew, and at the same time I wanted to perform in front of an audience, and entertain them with beautiful songs. From that one instrument, I was able to play the others, easily. However, I decided that I would only focus on the piano, because it fit me best. Since then, I have been playing the piano for fifteen years and now, I teach others the way to experience the joy that that comes from playing the piano.
First one is Exactly 150 words! (Didn't check the second) Hope I helped!
so basically i better write in first person..
hmm.. any other answers??
are there many fragments and run-ons?
The first person pov works the best for this prompt but i recommend that you place more passion in the essay. Right now your just telling, you need to show the admissions office what truly makes up your passion. Its a good starting point, keep working on it.
i totally changed it!
i am not sure if i can post my new essay like this
if it's problem, i will delete it and post new thread!
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my new essay
Please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer)
A piano has been my best friend for fifteen years. It was for my past, and it will be for my future as well. I became a friend with piano since I was three years old, and it has given me a lot of beautiful experiences. As my passion for making music on the piano grew, I had many opportunities to perform my songs in front of the audience. There are a lot of different feelings every single time when I play the piano. Through playing the piano, I have thought about my future, and I learned how to improve my skills. I am proud that I can show my talent to people, and make them touch from my songs. I want the students, I now teach, to experience the joy that comes from playing the piano.
hope this is better than my last one~!
can anybody give me advices??? suggestions??
I like it more but now just try to spice to your words. I know its hard because of the limit and all but try. some suggestions...
became a friend with piano when I was three years old, and it has given me a lot (choose a better word).
As my passion for making music on the piano grew
There are a lot of different feelings (choose more descriptive passionate words here) every single time when I play the piano.
I want the students, I now teach, to experience the joy that comes from playing the piano.(awkward) I want the students that I now teach...
I became a friend to the piano when I was three years old, and it has given me a lot of beautiful experiences. As my passion for making music on the piano grew, I had many opportunities to perform my songs in front of the audiences . There are a lot of different A myriad of feelings arises every single time when I play the piano. Through playing the piano, I have thought about my future, and I learned how to improve my skills. I am proud that I can show my talent to people, and make them touch from my songs. I want the students whom I now teach to experience the joy that comes from playing the piano.
I am proud that I can show my talent to people, and make them touch from my songs.
This part doesn't make sense.
Maybe change to I am proud that I can show off my talent to people and connect with them through my music.
A piano has been my best friend for fifteen years. It was for my past, and it will be for my future as well. I became a friend to the piano when I was three years old, and it has given me a lot of colorful experiences. As my passion for making music grew, I had many opportunities to perform my songs in front of audiences. A myriad of feelings arises every single time I play the piano. Through playing the piano, I have thought about my future, and I learned how to improve my skills. I am proud that I can show my talent to people, and make them touch from my songs. Now I teach my students, and expect them to experience the joy that comes from playing the piano.
thank you guys
i really appreciate your help and i fixed my some sentences!
i couldn't think any words for "There are a lot of different" this phrase
thanks kevin!! <3
and for last sentence, if i write like that does it make sence??
I am proud that I can show my talent to people, and make them touch from my songs.
why doesn't it make sence?? (is second part awkward??)
thanks a million ^.^
No comma is necessary:
Now I teach my students and expect them to experience the joy that comes from playing the piano.
It makes sense this way:
I am proud that I can show my talent to people, and make them feel touched by my songs.
The third person seems odd, I also suggest first person. Any strong example will prove valuable to the essay.
