Undergraduate /
"Checkmate!" Shogi, or Chinese Chess Common App Essay! [4]
Thanks for leaving comments for mine, so i'm returning the favour.
Your english is really not bad for someone whose english is their second language. I changed only parts that i thought sounded awkward or just some words which i thought other words would be more apt. Its just my opinion so yeah.
* his red king to avoid the check.
** his red king to avoid the checkmate
*put on my devilish smile
Put on sounds a bit awkward, maybe "let out a devilish smile" would be better instead
*a lingering effect of the stroke
** a lingering effect from the stroke
*Promise me you will conquer the world like this king, no matter how difficult it seems and how many tries it takes,"
** No matter how difficult it seems and how many tries it takes, promise me that you will conquer the world like this king.
* face was pale like a ghost
** as pale as a ghost
* It was hard for me
** It was difficult for me
*I dreaded the fact that he would be staying at my house.
** I dreaded the fact that he would even be staying at my house.
* Through a common hobby, we were able to establish a special relationship very quickly
** Through a common hobby, we were able to quickly establish a special relationship
*Not only was I able to bond with my grandfather in a short amount of time, but I was also able to be mature as I played more games with him. I learned to be patient; I had to grow accustomed to sitting in front of the game board, thinking of my next move while I waited for my grandfather to make his move. I also had to get used to accepting losses which was a hard for me because I was so hot-headed and stubborn.
** Not only was I able to bond with my grandfather in a short amount of time, but I was also able to become more mature as I played more games with him.
I don't have time to change this part for you but it doesn't really flow??
*he felt homesick and wanted to go back to Korea.
**he felt homesick and wanted to return to Korea.
.*On the day he left, we both made another promise that we would both stay healthy until I visited him.
** On the day of his departure, we promised each other that we would both stay healthy until I had the opportunity to pay him a visit
.
*Every morning, I open my closet and I am instantly reminded of the promise I had made with my grandfather.
**Every morning when I open my closet, I am instantly reminded of the promise I had made with my grandfather.
*This king is my motivation and my source of energy.
**This king is my motivation and source of energy.