Posts by veshman

veshman

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement Essay - The Barn Fire [4]

When they did, I couldn't believe the image they were transmitting to me

Maybe take this out. You do say "This couldn't be real" two sentences later.

The smoke had wrapped its elegant fingers around the hay now

I would take out elegant. It would fit if you referred to the fire as some sort of beautiful beast later on, but you don't go that route.

It was the explosion that stopped us in our tracks

Maybe "An explosion stopped us in our tracks" instead.

I felt my way into the stall, and grabbed onto the vague horse shape huddled against the back wall

You might get by without a comma here.

"Grab the mare!" I coughed out

You might consider removing this line. The reader will understand that you're grabbing the mare when you talk about lifting his 200 pound bulk.

This, in my opinion, qualifies as one of those essays that warrants extra words. I don't know how else you can save words without losing your awesome description.

This may be the best essay I've read on this site. It tells emphasizes your strong points through a captivating story.

veshman

Dec 19, 2009

Undergraduate / a change which occurred last summer - General Topic Question [5]

Kevin,

Thank you for your help!

Sorry for not fully explaining what I meant when I said, "I do not mention doing anything just to get into college, but I think it may be implied." You know how a lot of high school kids join clubs and commit to service just to get into college? I was essentially one of those for my first three years in high school. After this revelation, I became less interested in just getting into college, and more into just getting involved.

Focusing on the transformation and the "new me" sounds like a great idea! I will just avoid the problem altogether.

Thanks for your help!

veshman

Dec 17, 2009

Undergraduate / a change which occurred last summer - General Topic Question [5]

I was going to write about one specific non-service experience that changed my view of service.

And it's good to hear that there's nothing wrong with being motivated by college admissions. I just hope the adcoms feel the same way. I don't want to be seen as a fake person.

Thanks for your reply, and thank you to whoever changed the title.

-Avesh

veshman

Dec 15, 2009

Undergraduate / a change which occurred last summer - General Topic Question [5]

Hey guys!

First time posting, so I thought I'd point out that this site is spectacular. The essays posted here have given me many great ideas.

Now onto my question:

For the Princeton supplement essay, you're supposed to write about an experience that changes your outlook on life. I wrote a change which occurred last summer:

Prior to this year, I was always motivated by self interest. In the essay I talk about doing service in order to challenge myself and expand my interests, rather than to be altruistic. I do not mention doing anything just to get into college, but I think it may be implied.

After the summer, I became a more caring person. I started caring about the communities I was involved in, the people around me, and even people who I didn't even know (ie. community and global service).

I talked about my transformation in the essay. Will this be looked at as an honest student growing out of selfish tendencies? Or will it be seen as just another wannabe ivy who does everything just to get into college?

Thanks in advance! Happy holidays.
-Avesh