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Posts by taintedlove21
Joined: Dec 22, 2009
Last Post: Jan 16, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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taintedlove21   
Jan 16, 2010
Undergraduate / Girls, Girls, Girls- Common Short Essay [21]

This was definitely a funny read, and could work well for assignments that call for that type of writing, but it's not going to cut it for a college essay. Although the adcoms want you to be creative and to be yourself, they want to accept mature, professional individuals. You probably are a mature individual, but this essay doesn't show it. The last thing you want is for your college apps to misrepresent you.
taintedlove21   
Jan 16, 2010
Graduate / Having a minor freakout over tailoring essays to fit [4]

Admittedly, I don't know a lot about graduate school admissions (I'm only in the process of applying undergrad myself). I agree pretty much with what Kevin said, but I think it also depends on where the bad paragraph is in the essay. If you begin badly or end badly, it's likely to be noticed, but if your bad paragraph is in the middle of the essay, some of the bad elements may be overlooked. Someone please let me know if I'm wrong about this - it's just the impression I've gotten.
taintedlove21   
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Wash U St. Louis - University Scholars Program in Medicine essay [5]

Oh, one last comment, from your last sentence and the rest of your essay, you seem to be more aiming for a nursing career than becoming a doctor, am I completely off track?

I actually do want to be a doctor. I'm not sure how to make that more clear, though -- I had originally written a few sentences about research I did over the summer, but I took that out because I didn't want to just introduce something and then not be able to expand it into a separate paragraph. I wonder if there's a way I can tie in the fact that I want to be a doctor into my last paragraph. Hospital volunteers generally aren't qualified to do diagnoses and things, but I figured I'd put that experience into my essay because it fits the patient care side of medicine.

Any thoughts?

Thanks for the comments!
taintedlove21   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Wash U St. Louis - University Scholars Program in Medicine essay [5]

I wrote this essay a while back, and have fixed it a bit since then, but I'd love to get some feedback on it before the deadline on Friday.

Explain why you are interested in pursuing a career in medicine. Describe any life experiences that may have sparked this interest, as well as any personal attributes that make you especially suited for a medical career.

Word count: 732 -- no word limit is given; the only requirement is that the essay should be about a page. I'm not sure if they mean single-spaced or double-spaced, but mine's about a page single-spaced.

I first became interested in medicine in the third grade, when, on the first day of classes, I noticed the boy sitting next to me. Frail and thin-boned, he struggled with every movement, finding even the simplest tasks, like holding a pencil, difficult. As I observed him over the next few days, I learned that he was not strong enough to run, and he walked with a slow, jerky gait that seemed to cause him pain with every step. As if these hindrances were not enough, he had trouble with his hearing and vision as well as a learning disability. As I watched him progress, offering him what assistance I could, I could not help but put myself inside David's shoes. How did it feel, not having the freedom to leap across sidewalks and run across the playground with ease? What physical condition could be so merciless? What about this condition caused David's body to function differently from my own? Little did I know then that I was asking myself questions that many doctors and researchers were also puzzling over. For the time being, the best I could do for David was to help him with his schoolwork, but that year, I resolved to learn more about his condition so that I could improve life for individuals like him in the future.

Although we went our different ways, I did not forget David. I discovered later that he was born with Progressive External Opthalmoplegia (PEO), a mitochondrial disorder characterized primarily by weakened muscular development. Every day after school towards the end of sixth grade, I would type the sophisticated words into the Internet toolbar, attempting to understand what little I could about the debilitating disorder that had afflicted my former classmate. I eventually turned to my introductory biology classes in the seventh and ninth grades, which introduced me to a litany of genetic disorders with stories as moving as David's. I remember most vividly a video that I watched in ninth grade about a child with Tay-Sachs disease. Listening to the parents' sincere voices as they described their child's rapid regression from bright-eyed and attentive to vegetative and unresponsive within the child's first year, I was astounded to learn that these diseases were caused by some of the smallest genetic errors. How could such miniscule biological mistakes cause such mammoth changes in the lives of individuals? My understanding of the intersection between our genetic makeup and our day-to-day lives taught me that for every roadblock in a person's life, every offering of aid could help the person move around that roadblock. This philosophy led me to explore the world of hospital service, which I treasure not only for its first-hand insight into the medical profession, but also for the spirit of love and charity that it brings to so many people.

Whenever I assist patients at the local hospital, I always remember the fragile boy in third grade, and I am satisfied to know that I have fulfilled my initial "promise" to him. I may not have learned everything there is to know about his specific condition, but I have, in my own way, helped to make life easier for people struggling with illness. I can especially recall the elderly lady to whom I made my longest visit as a volunteer. Her body was incredibly stiff, she seemed immobile, and she had trouble communicating with me. I remember shifting my stance awkwardly as I wondered how I might convey to her that I wanted to help, and how I might help her. I resolved to teach her some simple exercises in a way she might best understand--by doing them myself. I had initially become nervous when she did not follow along the first few times, but when her arms finally began to move in succession with mine, I was relieved. I walked out of that visit without the precise knowledge of the lady's condition, but I knew that even by my small effort, I had helped her to establish her ability to exercise. With every serve that I offer to a patient as a volunteer, be it an exercise lesson or simply a magazine to read, I am helping the patient to win the fight against illness. Medicine, to me, is not only understanding an individual's afflictions, but participating in them, standing side-by-side with the patient in his or her battle.

Thanks for any suggestions!
taintedlove21   
Jan 10, 2010
Poetry / A pawn, NYU Supplement - poem about me [6]

I like the idea and the metaphor you used, but it somehow seems a little vague to me, like it doesn't say as much about you as it should. Everybody changes over time and is faced with making decisions in their future. I would suggest tailoring the topic to your own experiences. Can you think of a specific instance in which you made a huge change in your outlook or character? An example of this might be getting grades that don't satisfy you one year, but then changing your study habits the next year and getting better grades (though I wouldn't suggest writing about that since that topic is a bit cliched). If you write about a situation that's unique to you, it will definitely have a much greater impact on the adcoms than just writing about a general idea that applies to a lot of people.

Your writing style is great, though! Best of luck!
taintedlove21   
Jan 10, 2010
Grammar, Usage / Quick question about commas in titles [6]

All of my high school English teachers have instructed me to keep commas and other punctuation inside quotations, and I trust them, so I'd suggest doing that as well.
taintedlove21   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app short answer - research internship at a hospital [3]

Hi :)

I've already submitted this short answer to a couple of schools, but I'm not sure of whether or not it might be too creative and not descriptive enough. I expanded more on what I actually did at the internship in the EC activities section of the common app and the additional information box, but still...feedback would be appreciated.

Here it is:

"All right, let's see what you know. Tell me what Lox is."
My mind raced as I tried to piece together the medical terms I had just learned. Despite my effort to comprehend these papers on Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (DMD)--the focus of my research at Children's Hospital--my understanding was cloudy. I hoped that not having taken AP Biology yet would not put me at a disadvantage.

"It's a gene, right?"
I was afraid of what impression I would make with my hesitant answer. I sighed with relief when my mentor said I was correct.
There were still things I didn't know after that first day, but I continued to read those research papers, looking up unfamiliar words. Soon, I became an eager contributor to my lab's research on thymosin beta-4 and DMD. I have since been working on my own research project on histone deacetylase inhibitors and DMD.

Thanks!
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