qwe123
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Aviary Pagoda, Yuen Long Park, Hong Kong. Common App revisions - "Broadening Horizons" [13]
I like this essay a lot and how you tie the two stories together. I feel like this is a really strong essay. But what I didn't like:
- the cold water line; I felt like it fell flat
- the paragraph that starts with "Helping others..." while it isn't a bad paragraph at all I just felt like it was weak point of your essay which is over all very strong (best part IMO was the beginning); I think some sentences need to be reworded in order to improve flow and not make it sound awkward in parts
- agree with the above poster on removing the "From attending the AIDS walk..." sentence; its cliche and isn't as strong as the rest of the essay
I like this essay a lot and how you tie the two stories together. I feel like this is a really strong essay. But what I didn't like:
- the cold water line; I felt like it fell flat
- the paragraph that starts with "Helping others..." while it isn't a bad paragraph at all I just felt like it was weak point of your essay which is over all very strong (best part IMO was the beginning); I think some sentences need to be reworded in order to improve flow and not make it sound awkward in parts
- agree with the above poster on removing the "From attending the AIDS walk..." sentence; its cliche and isn't as strong as the rest of the essay