Aviary Pagoda, Yuen Long Park, Hong Kong. Common App revisions - "Broadening Horizons"

Please read and comment. Feel free to make inputs and correct my grammar. Be as critical as you can!

Also, I know that my essay is written in two tenses, but I feel that the present tense shows more action. However...I feel that essays should only be written in one tense. So should I just change everything to the past tense?

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Broadening Horizons

Heart pounding, palms sweating, and legs wobbling, a six-year old girl begins the climb to what will seem like an endless journey. One floor to the next, she pushes her feet forward to mount each step. At each floor, she stops expectedly and passes a circular trail of doors. Slowly and carefully, she separates the heavy curtains, chained by exquisitely hand-crafted beads, leading from one door to the next. The process repeats on every floor, because there is something new to see and something exciting to learn.

Finally, as she mounts the last steps to the seventh floor, she feels a thrill of success overwhelm her. She recalls an eighth century Chinese poem from Wang Zhihuan that she recently learned in school, and recites a line under her breath, "You can enjoy a grander sight by climbing to a greater height." Oh, how true that is! She is standing at the top, where her tiny hands can almost reach out to touch the clear, blue sky. If she stands too close to the edge, she thinks her weight may abruptly bring the structure to topple over. She looks down to the people relaxing on the green grass, and notices that they are as tiny as ants. It is a moving anthill of color, but somehow she spots a familiar face. "Mom!" she cries out, while waving her arms animatedly, "I've made it!"

This was atop the Aviary Pagoda in Yuen Long Park, Hong Kong; I was the little girl.

Little was I, and little did I know that was only the beginning of a real life journey: a journey that did not consist of climbing the steps of a bird tower, but the steps of greater institutions. I arrived as a timid child to the United States one year later, unfamiliar with my surroundings - I sought to adapt. Soon, I befriended other children on my block; from racing one another on rollerblades in the summer to frolicking and snowball fighting in the winter (my first time encountering snow), I no longer felt like a foreigner. I lay on the snow-covered ground and began to shape a snow angel, but instead became lost in thought. Staring out into the cloudless sky, I envisioned myself standing up high: raven black hair billowing, slender arms stretching, and petite hands reaching out to the world. I wanted to "enjoy a grander sight"; I wanted to make that climb up, but I wondered, "How?"

Imagine my excitement when I first stepped into Brooklyn Technical High School, a twelve-story institution (even though most of us utilized up to the ninth floor). This was the beginning of my ascension in Key Club, a student-led international organization dedicated to developing leadership through community service. In my never-ending quest to climb higher, I obtained a leadership role. More importantly, I discovered the true values of giving back to the community. A warm sensation rushed through my body when not-so-fortunate families received Thanksgiving meals that I helped to packed, or when children beamed with delight upon unwrapping holiday presents that I donated; I knew that they would not be alone during the bitter New York winter. The experience I gained was invaluable and fulfilling; I climbed one step higher by helping others.

Just like the little girl eleven years ago, I have come a long way: emigrating from Hong Kong, assimilating to the American culture and its values, and attending the prestigious Brooklyn Tech. I no longer have a simple stair-climbing feat to amaze myself. Nonetheless, I will never forget that exhilarating climb, for it opened up my young, inquisitive brown eyes to the world. The journey is not over yet - there is still land undiscovered. What lies ahead? I have no clue, but I am prepared to broaden the boundless horizons.

One day, I see myself with a rush of adrenaline, announcing once again, "Mom! Dad! I've made it!"

Message:

This was atop the Aviary Pagoda in Yuen Long Park, Hong Kong; I was the little girl.

Little was I, and Little did I know that was only the beginning of a real life journey: a journey that did not consist of climbing the steps of a bird tower.

Eight years later, I entered Brooklyn Technical High School in New York City as a grown girl (redundant).

Oh sure, we all wanted to pour a bucket of cold water over his head, but we spared him that actionnot sure thats appropriate, but does give insight into your sense of humor and managed to pull through a fundraiser for Zimbabwe teachers. He needed us to be there for him, and we were there.

Just like the little girl eleven years ago, I have come a long way: emigrating from Hong Kong, assimilating to the American culture and its valuesthose two sound very interesting and important to your "life journey", why not talk about it more? , and attending the prestigious Brooklyn Tech <--- doesn't seem as great as the preceding actions, could be replace?.

*Note: The beginning and ending of your essay flow nicely. However, the middle where you talk about Key Club is not as gripping. Yes, it does reveal a bit about your leadership skills and such, yet you introduce the readers to your life journey: talk about immigrating, adapting to two cultures, achieving your dreams. Great potential and good luck! Just consider my changes as suggestions.

Please read my essay:

I really loved the beginning of your essay, and I agree with all the corrections above... I'm not sure how you could intertwine the Key Club part more fluidly. I would delete the last sentence of your 4th paragraph (From attending the AIDS Walk on a rainy day, and sharing umbrellas but getting soaked nonetheless, to wrapping holiday presents of books and toys in December for the not-so-fortunate children, I gained a sense of responsibility through helping others.) and end it with:

This was the beginning of my ascension in Key Club, a student-led international organization dedicated to developing leadership through community service, which taught me the responsibilities of community service and of helping others. Or something to that effect.

Good luck! And thank you for commenting on mine :]

Thank you for your corrections!
Do you think I should change the tense in the beginning though, and make the whole essay past tense?

I like this essay a lot and how you tie the two stories together. I feel like this is a really strong essay. But what I didn't like:

- the cold water line; I felt like it fell flat
- the paragraph that starts with "Helping others..." while it isn't a bad paragraph at all I just felt like it was weak point of your essay which is over all very strong (best part IMO was the beginning); I think some sentences need to be reworded in order to improve flow and not make it sound awkward in parts

- agree with the above poster on removing the "From attending the AIDS walk..." sentence; its cliche and isn't as strong as the rest of the essay

meals that I helped to packed
pack

wow! great essay. I don't think you need to cut anything out since on the common app you are allowed to write as long as you want

Wow, quite the improvement on your essay!

- I would say "less fortunate" instead of "not-so-fortunate" though
- I really love the image of "climbing" and stepping up in higher institutions, and I think at the end you sort of lose the climbing metaphor. I think it will work really, really well at the end if you could somehow incorporate it... Maybe instead of land you could say something about climbing a mountain, etc. Just an idea.

Otherwise, great work!

Mjellma, thanks for the grammatical error! Can't believe I didn't catch it. I also commented your essay.

SkittleRose, thank you for the suggestions! You have been quite helpful. (:

Instead of


I now have
The journey is not over yet - there are still more levels to reach.

Hi, thanks for your comments on my essay.
I've read your revised version and I think your approach was really creative, I really liked it. Your descriptions are vivid and clear.. I think it's a great essay.

I don't spot any major grammatical mistakes [I'm not very good at grammar though:(].

Stop worrying, and be proud. Great work in the essay, I totally love it.
Really, the present past present shift works fine with the idea of the essay.
And thank you very much for the comments.

This is a very good essay, but I think there are a few problems. If I am correct, there is a word limit, one of 150 words maximum. At a glance, this essays looks to be far greater than that. In addition, your life story perfectly matches the story about the girl climbing up until you begin to talk about Key Club. You must either tie the part about Key Club in better or just throw it out. On the whole, a pretty good essay.

Hey yatindrahp, I elaborated more on the last sentence, and changed it to:
The experience I gained was invaluable and fulfilling; I climbed one step higher by discovering that school was not only a place to learn, but also a place to help others who are in need.

There is no word limit for the Common App essay, but at 672 words, I do think it's a bit long.