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Posts by KeyJewel
Joined: Dec 27, 2009
Last Post: Jan 21, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 7  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
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KeyJewel   
Jan 21, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL-Which one do you prefer, to live in a big city (I incline) or in a small town? [4]

Restaurants would hire more employees to serve their customers.
Why should "would" be deleted?

It wouldn't, if you were trying to convince a large group of people to move to the city. This is about what YOU prefer. If more people moved in, or started using the restaurant, the restaurant would need/could hire more employees. A restaurant in a rural area would most likely have a much smaller staff list, because it would not need/couldn't afford more employees. Perhaps I misunderstood the intent of the sentence.
KeyJewel   
Jan 18, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL-Which one do you prefer, to live in a big city (I incline) or in a small town? [4]

Good transitions.
I have some suggestions for parts of your essay, posted below.

-The life in a small town may benefit to people's health for less stress and pollution.
-Nevertheless, there are many advantages for people to live in the city (maybe change this to "living in the city"? I think it flows better), such as more facilities, more job opportunities and higher quality of education.

-For my inclination, I prefer to live in a big city. (You do not need "For my inclination". The sentence becomes redundant.)
-For example, restaurants would hire more employees to serve their customers.
-In contrast, population in the country is much less than that in the city, as do employments (I get the idea you're trying to get through, but it sounds bad. Perhaps you could try "hence the employment rate is much lower.").

-Well-educated people should know something about everything and everything about something (Really?).

Overall, great essay!
KeyJewel   
Jan 18, 2011
Speeches / If I Were the Leader of the Free World (Speech) - Suggestions? [3]

We had to choose only one issue we would address as the leader of the free world. I'll be sure to watch the documentary; especially because its on Instant Watch on Netflix. I fixed the first few things you mentioned, and thanks for the complement.

I also discussed the issue of it sounding like the only issue that impacts peoples lives globally with my English teacher, and changed it to this:

Many issues in modern-day society are given much attention and obviously need to be addressed, but one among many that impact people's lives globally.

Thanks so much for your help!
KeyJewel   
Jan 5, 2011
Speeches / If I Were the Leader of the Free World (Speech) - Suggestions? [3]

The assignment was to write a speech, 4 to 5 minutes long, about what we would do if we were the leaders of the free world. I chose cancer research as my subject, because it's something that I've seen affect many people around me. So here it goes:

There are many issues in modern-day society that are given much attention and obviously need to be addressed, but there is a specific one that impacts people's lives globally. Cancer. Those two, simple syllables send terrified patients spiraling toward a vat of untested, unproven information, half-baked treatments, and empty promises. Every day could be their last. It's true for every living being on this planet, but their condition makes it closer to them. Much more real. They can see it echoed in the eyes of their loved ones. They can see it in the doctor's eyes, the nurses. But worst of all is the strangers' pity. The end is coming, and it's so close they could touch it.

Treatments are, in most cases, the patients' only chance to get better. Chemotherapy is often a popular choice, because it is very well-known, even though it comes with certain risks. Firstly, along with destroying cancer cells, it destroys white blood cells, crippling your immune system. It harms along with its healing. Another popular treatment is radiotherapy. With this treatment, a cancer cell's DNA is damaged by the rays delivered by a machine either inside or outside of the body. When the DNA is damaged, the cell can no longer reproduce, so when it dies, it's done. Still another popular treatment is just plain surgery. The tumors and cancerous cells are simply cut out of the body, but you run the risk of cutting an essential organ. More than half of cancer patients receive this treatment.

All of those treatments are widely used and very popular among cancer patients, even though there are deadly risks that are well-known. Why are they so popular? Because, number one, they do work, to an extent. And, number two, what else can they do? What other hope do they have?

My grandfather died of cancer a few years ago, after battling it for several years. There are several people at my church who have or have had cancer. The saddest case is a friend of mine, at 26 years old, that has several sarcoma tumors in different places around her body. She is still battling the cancer using chemotherapy. She is completely bald and she cannot go out in public, because a germ that a healthy immune system could fight off with no complications could be fatal for her.

If I were the leader of the free world, I would financially back cancer research and finding safer cures for cancer. I would support more research into nutritional cures for cancer, because there are many myths and a few truths surrounding this supposed cure, and it would be amazing to be able to have a natural cure that does not harm the body. There have been books published on cures that were later found to be hoaxes. On the National Cancer Institute's website, they discuss nutritional therapy - but only in the context of undoing the harm that another cure is doing to the body. A real natural cure - not a hoax, not a therapy that undoes chemical damage - could be revolutionary. One with no negative effects to your immune system or natural, healthy cells. What kind of impact do you think that kind of cure could have on our and others' lives?

The program for research and production would be run off tax dollars and donations. Yes, taxes would have to be raised in order to get the funds that would be needed. But there have been tax raises for less important reasons, I believe. It's hard to say what deserves our tax money and what doesn't, and I am sure some people will disagree with me, but I think a good, solid cure for cancer would be worth every penny. And we've already spent billions on cancer research. Isn't it time to find a real cure?

The cure for cancer is something that has evaded us for years and years, because every cancer patient is different. It's like a plane crash. Different things can cause it, like lack of fuel or an engine failing, but whatever causes it, it always has the same result. A crashed plane, with people dead, people injured, and families changed forever. But a nutritional cure, while it may not work for everyone, could work across a larger majority of people. A larger majority of cancers. And cancer affects everyone. So the cure would affect everyone. It would make the phrase, "You have cancer", softer, meaning simply a lot of doctor's visits and a changed diet, instead of the thought that you may not live out the year. Cancer is a dangerous thing. But there's one thing that's true about a lot of people, particularly Americans. We're stubborn. And that means we won't give up.
KeyJewel   
Dec 28, 2009
Letters / autobiography/ why you want the job (summer adventure camp) [5]

This is what the completed essay would look like (roughly):
My name is Jereme Carpe*ter. I play the flute, and I'm learning to play the mandolin and speak Spanish. I feel I am capable of doing this job because I have had various former experiences. Last summer, I led a search and rescue, complete with a live victim, at a camp. The experience was educational and enthralling. The camp was called Down Earth Nature Camp. They teach basic but crucial survival skills such as creating fires from scratch, building basic shelters, finding edible plants, roots, and berries, and no trace camping. This camp also teaches respect for nature. I have attended this camp for 5 years. I enjoy playing football, basketball, and soccer. I also love a good challenge. I have to credit that to my gym teacher. He has inspired me; I hope to someday be the role model to others he has been to me.

I ran the Gods County marathon (26.22 miles or from cushion peak to Lebanon Valley College in Annville) twice, I've backpacked across Maryland end to end. In the spring I hope to do the 4 state challenge. In September I biked a century (biking 100 + miles in one day or cushion peak to Scranton).

I've been a volunteer firefighter ever since I've been 18, it's a job that requires dedication and responsibility. I think working with children is like fighting fires: it's not always fun, it's not always easy, some days it's just plain hard, but its an important job all the same. To succeed at either you need integrity, a large surplus of energy, and be passionate about helping. That is why I feel I would be a good match at Camp Wieser.
KeyJewel   
Dec 27, 2009
Letters / autobiography/ why you want the job (summer adventure camp) [5]

My name is Jereme Carpe*ter.you say it like it was spelled with a Y, but my Cherokee name is Snipe, just like the bird that's hard to shot.

I live in upper b****s county.

I play the flute, I'm learning to play the mandolin, and I'm teachinglearningmyself Spanish.
I sometimes I think I was meant to to this like the sun was meant to shine. Have you ever had a sensation like you were meant to do something in life? I can feel it in side me.

Last summer I lead a class in search and rescue complete with a live victim at a camp, it felt incredible. It was at a place called Down Earth Nature Camp, they teach skills like building fires, making shelters, finding edible plants, no trace camping and respect for nature. I went goneattendedto that camp for the 5 years. I likeplay football, basketball, and just about ever other sport(List one more sport). I'd have to credit that liking to my gym teacher. He was the role model I hope I'llto be one day. He also taught me to love a good challenge.

I've ran the Gods county marathon (26.22 miles or from cushion peak to Lebanon Valley College in Annville) twice, I've backpacked across Maryland end to end. In thespring I hope to do the 4 state challenge. In September I biked a century (biking 100 + miles in one day or cushion peak to Scranton) I've done a spirit triathlon and I hope to do a full triathlon soon.

I've been a volunteer firefighter ever since I've been old enough(Put the age), it's a job that requires dedication and responsibility. I think working with children is can be like fighting fires: it's not always fun, it's not always easy, some days it's just plain hard, but its an important job all the same. To secedesucceed at either you need integrity, a large surplus of energy, and be passionate about helping.

AndThat's why I want to work at Camp Weiser.
KeyJewel   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / page 217 - man on the plane [8]

Not that baby part. The part where it says, "On the day that I was born, I stopped the rain. My grandmother claims that the second I took my first breath of air, the very second, the sun came out from behind the clouds. I was a special baby. I could stop rain. I wanted to tell him that, but I didn't. It didn't seem so special anymore, now that the rain was falling harder outside the tiny window."

It would be good to start off a book (wish I could use it, I'm working on a book)or in the beginning of the book, but to introduce it so near to the end? Not really as good. You should take writing classes in college. I would love to read your books someday.
KeyJewel   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / page 217 - man on the plane [8]

I find it interesting, and I like the way you start and end in a sentence as if it was really a page in a book, but the baby bit seems a little, well, overboard. Sorry, I mean, it's okay, but really. And the first part, the vividness, if you were really writing an autobiography, you wouldn't be able to remember that that vividly. Overall, it's pretty good. A writing career for you wouldn't be that bad.
KeyJewel   
Dec 27, 2009
Speeches / Speech topic - Cybercommunication: Progress or Problem? [3]

This is my speech for the Oratorical Contest. Please help edit and revise it. The topic is Cybercommunication: Progress or Problem? and it has to be 4 to 5 minutes long.

Surprisingly often we hear stories about poor young girls killed by child molesters they met online thinking they were sweet funny girls who wanted to be their friends. Yes, this is a serious problem, but there are also the young children living in Missouri, with grandparents in Germany. With webcamming software, they can see each other every day. Without that, they would barely be able to see each other once a year. That's definite progress. So what is the answer to the question: is cybercommunication progress or a problem?

There is no definite answer to that question. There are parts that are definitely progress, and parts that are huge problems. There are scam sites dedicated to stealing your identity. There are other sites that don't keep your personal information as secure as it should be. It's also easier for children to be bullied online, because it's always easier to type something to someone than to say it to their face. Looking at this, everyone thinks, wow. Cybercommunication is definitely a big problem.

But think about this. The same tool hosts sites like Webkinz and Club Penguin. Sites that are safe and secure. They don't allow much contact, so it is difficult to give and receive personal information. There are also online dictionaries and encyclopedias. These can help with homework and projects. Free coupon sites, too. Parents love those. What I'm trying to prove here is that this is progress. So to write cybercommunication off as a big problem is unfair to the parts that shape our community and cultures for the better.

We have trouble seeing shades of grey sometimes. We just see black and white. We can't look at cybercommunication this way. There are good points of cybercommunication, and there are bad ones. And then there are also things that I like to fit in the category "in between". Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube are just a few of the things that fit into this category. They can be good if used properly and carefully, but without the proper protection, they can be deadly. A Facebook account without privacy enabled is pretty dangerous, up there on the list next to being locked in a cage with hungry tigers. With protection, it's just a site where you can reconnect with that best friend you had in high school. It can do a lot of good used the right way.

Bill Gates once said, "The Internet is becoming the town square for the global village of tomorrow." It already has. We center our lives around it. Haven't you noticed that updating our Twitter has become routine? How our Facebook is practically an autobiography? It's cybercommunication at work. We use it every day to stay connected. It can be a good thing, but it can become a serious, deadly addiction.

Cybercommunication is not itself good or bad. A gun isn't responsible for killing; it's the person who pulls the trigger. Cybercommunication is used for good, and, unfortunately, for bad. There is no simple answer to the question: is cybercommunication progress or problem? There are problems, yes, but it is also progress. It has helped shape our community, our world; for better or for worse, it definitely has.
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