vanitashaz
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Harvard Supplemental Essay - Arabic [4]
You mentioned that you were worried that this essay was "a chore to read". A large part of that, I think, is that you are taking an autobiographical essay and writing it in the style of an academic, analytical one, with a premise and following results. (The premise being that you attended this program; the results being your lessons learned, both figurative and academic.) I don't know if it's your intention - probably not - but your tone falls somewhere between "pretentious" and "stilted". Like I said, it's a great vocabulary / tone for laying out impartial facts, but this essay is supposed to be about an experience that moved you, that was important to you. Instead, it reads kind of like a laundry list. You draw factual conclusions from this experience - that you took advantage of the program, that you learned the language - but not emotional ones. Keep in mind who you're writing this for, and why. They're reading college essays to get to know you, your personality, not a blow-by-blow summary of what you did in this program. That's why the prompts are so open-ended. It's not about your topic, but your reaction to it.
My advice? You mention several great stories here - the conversation with the cabdriver, the book you wrote about the penguin, your awe at the difference between the languages. Choose one of these, and use it as a frame story. Expand on it. Your conclusion appears to be that you "learn[ed] outside the classroom... perform[ed] your own research... [and] provided [yourself] a different way to look at learning and a way to bridge [your] culture to another, and find meaning in language," but you don't really explain how you do that. If these are your conclusions, make sure you have evidence backing them up.
You mentioned that you were worried that this essay was "a chore to read". A large part of that, I think, is that you are taking an autobiographical essay and writing it in the style of an academic, analytical one, with a premise and following results. (The premise being that you attended this program; the results being your lessons learned, both figurative and academic.) I don't know if it's your intention - probably not - but your tone falls somewhere between "pretentious" and "stilted". Like I said, it's a great vocabulary / tone for laying out impartial facts, but this essay is supposed to be about an experience that moved you, that was important to you. Instead, it reads kind of like a laundry list. You draw factual conclusions from this experience - that you took advantage of the program, that you learned the language - but not emotional ones. Keep in mind who you're writing this for, and why. They're reading college essays to get to know you, your personality, not a blow-by-blow summary of what you did in this program. That's why the prompts are so open-ended. It's not about your topic, but your reaction to it.
My advice? You mention several great stories here - the conversation with the cabdriver, the book you wrote about the penguin, your awe at the difference between the languages. Choose one of these, and use it as a frame story. Expand on it. Your conclusion appears to be that you "learn[ed] outside the classroom... perform[ed] your own research... [and] provided [yourself] a different way to look at learning and a way to bridge [your] culture to another, and find meaning in language," but you don't really explain how you do that. If these are your conclusions, make sure you have evidence backing them up.