How can I further develop this essay so that it talks more about me? Also is it a chore to read? And why does essayforum.com keep deleting this thread!
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Harvard College
Occasionally, students feel that college application forms do not provide a sufficient opportunity to convey important information about themselves or their accomplishments. If there is something you would like us to know, please inform us below. If you wish to include an additional essay, you may do so.
Possible Topics:
- Unusual circumstances in your life
- Travel or living experiences in other countries
- Books that have affected you the most
- An academic experience (course, project, paper, or research topic) that has meant the most to you
- A list of the books you have read during the past twelve months
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In the summer of 2007, I attended a summer language program at Charlestown High School. The program intended to teach a yearlong program in Arabic within just six short weeks. For those six weeks, I immersed myself in the Arabic language as well as in Arab culture. I engaged in classes that revolved entirely in Arabic discussion, attended Arabic writing classes, and took on culture workshops in art, history, and music. Learning the new language was difficult at first since I was not permitted to use English language in my classes, but I caught on quick. My curiosity in the language and my desire to learn more about the culture pushed me to delve deep into my studies and make sense of what was happening. Soon I began speaking from the back of my throat, curling my r's, and pronouncing sounds I had never thought I could say before. I also learned a new writing system, with an entirely new alphabet. Before, I wrote from the left to the right, now I had to write from the right to the left. Before, I had used one letter symbol for a letter, like "a," now there were three symbols for a letter, depending on whether it was placed at the beginning, middle or end of a word. I was awed by the differences between the English language and the Arabic language.
Besides taking advantage of the resources of the program at the school, I expanded my learning of Arabic beyond the classroom. There are two significant instances that I remember. The first, being a conversation with a Somali businessman on the subway who approached me when he saw me, a Chinese boy, writing an essay in Arabic. The second, being a conversation as well. My classmate in the program at the time, who was an Arab, told me how many of the taxi drivers in Cambridge spoke Arabic. Coincidentally, I had to take a taxi Central Square after class after missing a bus. I could not resist the urge and started a conversation with the driver in Arabic. He said "wa alakum a salem" to my "alem wa sahalem," after an unsure pause, and we spent the next twenty minutes talking about the day and his life in Arabic.
At the end of the intensive language immersion course, I had produced multiple essays entirely in Arabic, and a rather unusual story about a fictional confused penguin living in Lebanon. I had also concluded the course with a leading role in a quirky skit that I helped write in Arabic, and I had been evaluated by an ACTFL language evaluator through a verbal examination that lasted over thirty minutes. But besides that, I had taken away from the program unusual but memorable experiences of learning outside the classroom, and the opportunity to perform my own research. In addition, this program provided me a different way to look at learning and a way to bridge my own culture to another, and find the meaning in language.
Well, I will begin with...
It is very interesting. Good development. ETC.
"a conversation as well. My classmate..." I'd use a semi colon there.
"At the end of the intensive language immersion course, I had produced multiple essays entirely in Arabic, and a rather unusual story about a fictional confused penguin living in Lebanon." Really good sentence. Can I see the story of the penguin (translated)? It would be cool. =)
At the end of the essay you mention the meaning of language, which is? You did not mention it, so I would put it if I were you.
Hope I helped!
Read mines please:
Bowdoin Supplemental Essay...
FPU and Pepperdine...
Thank you in advance.
You mentioned that you were worried that this essay was "a chore to read". A large part of that, I think, is that you are taking an autobiographical essay and writing it in the style of an academic, analytical one, with a premise and following results. (The premise being that you attended this program; the results being your lessons learned, both figurative and academic.) I don't know if it's your intention - probably not - but your tone falls somewhere between "pretentious" and "stilted". Like I said, it's a great vocabulary / tone for laying out impartial facts, but this essay is supposed to be about an experience that moved you, that was important to you. Instead, it reads kind of like a laundry list. You draw factual conclusions from this experience - that you took advantage of the program, that you learned the language - but not emotional ones. Keep in mind who you're writing this for, and why. They're reading college essays to get to know you, your personality, not a blow-by-blow summary of what you did in this program. That's why the prompts are so open-ended. It's not about your topic, but your reaction to it.
My advice? You mention several great stories here - the conversation with the cabdriver, the book you wrote about the penguin, your awe at the difference between the languages. Choose one of these, and use it as a frame story. Expand on it. Your conclusion appears to be that you "learn[ed] outside the classroom... perform[ed] your own research... [and] provided [yourself] a different way to look at learning and a way to bridge [your] culture to another, and find meaning in language," but you don't really explain how you do that. If these are your conclusions, make sure you have evidence backing them up.
