MF2010
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Eccentricity, Drive and Concentration: BU supplement [5]
Does anyone have any comments about my latest draft?
Does anyone have any comments about my latest draft?
MF2010
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Eccentricity, Drive and Concentration: BU supplement [5]
Average, normal and indifferent are three words that are rarely associated with who I am. I am inherently unique and opinionated because I am human. While I believe everyone is an individual, I offer my own combination of traits to the Boston University community. I am prepared to give all I have in order to pursue this aim and receive the benefits of a BU education. What I have to offer is my drive, concentration, and eccentricity; three words that I embody.
Throughout most of my life, I've been considered an eccentric character. Thinking is my favorite activity. I remember once having a zealous discussion with a friend about whether or not art should have rules. I believe that a simple life of hard work and compassion is sufficient. I am vocally against the over-use of technology and advocate living at a slow pace, unlike most of my peers. By encouraging slowing down stressful college life and sharing my probing intellect with my peers, I would contribute to BU by creating an active but relaxed environment around me.
While my eccentricities keep me sane, my drive gives me a reason to persist. As a child, I went through periodic obsessions over everything from llamas to Lord of the Rings. I would try to learn everything possible about my latest fixation. After starting high school, this desire to learn turned to my school work and activities. My drive to do well in my own eyes pushes me to set new personal standards. Working hard has opened my eyes to my flaws and has pushed me to try to become better. Unlike many of my peers, I assess my progress in school not on grades, but on how much I have learned. As a driven individual, I would be committed to passionate work in and outside of BU's classrooms.
Without my concentration, my drive would be rendered useless. With a plan and a deadline, I become intensely focused. I take my work one step at a time and become absorbed in a current activity. I try to look at everything I do objectively. By being both my own critic and friend, I am able to assess my work and the work of others with a firm planting in reality. My focus and objectivity would bring a clear and honest opinion to BU's community in order to make it ever better. As someone interested in music, theatre, public speaking, and politics, I would bring my concentration to all of my activities in college so that both BU and I can benefit from my short time as a student.
Any better?
Average, normal and indifferent are three words that are rarely associated with who I am. I am inherently unique and opinionated because I am human. While I believe everyone is an individual, I offer my own combination of traits to the Boston University community. I am prepared to give all I have in order to pursue this aim and receive the benefits of a BU education. What I have to offer is my drive, concentration, and eccentricity; three words that I embody.
Throughout most of my life, I've been considered an eccentric character. Thinking is my favorite activity. I remember once having a zealous discussion with a friend about whether or not art should have rules. I believe that a simple life of hard work and compassion is sufficient. I am vocally against the over-use of technology and advocate living at a slow pace, unlike most of my peers. By encouraging slowing down stressful college life and sharing my probing intellect with my peers, I would contribute to BU by creating an active but relaxed environment around me.
While my eccentricities keep me sane, my drive gives me a reason to persist. As a child, I went through periodic obsessions over everything from llamas to Lord of the Rings. I would try to learn everything possible about my latest fixation. After starting high school, this desire to learn turned to my school work and activities. My drive to do well in my own eyes pushes me to set new personal standards. Working hard has opened my eyes to my flaws and has pushed me to try to become better. Unlike many of my peers, I assess my progress in school not on grades, but on how much I have learned. As a driven individual, I would be committed to passionate work in and outside of BU's classrooms.
Without my concentration, my drive would be rendered useless. With a plan and a deadline, I become intensely focused. I take my work one step at a time and become absorbed in a current activity. I try to look at everything I do objectively. By being both my own critic and friend, I am able to assess my work and the work of others with a firm planting in reality. My focus and objectivity would bring a clear and honest opinion to BU's community in order to make it ever better. As someone interested in music, theatre, public speaking, and politics, I would bring my concentration to all of my activities in college so that both BU and I can benefit from my short time as a student.
Any better?
MF2010
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Eccentricity, Drive and Concentration: BU supplement [5]
He is my BU 'give three words that describe how you'll contribute to BU's diversity' essay
Average, normal and indifferent are three words that are rarely associated with who I am. Ever since grade school, I have always had an opinion, an unusual sense of humor and a desire not to have the usual school experience. Therefore, my passions are centered on trying to understand our strange world. I am prepared to give all I have in order to pursue this aim and receive the benefits of a Boston University education. What I have to offer is my drive, concentration, and eccentricity; three words that I strive to embody.
ANY comments or bits of advice are welcome, including harsh but sensible criticism!
He is my BU 'give three words that describe how you'll contribute to BU's diversity' essay
Average, normal and indifferent are three words that are rarely associated with who I am. Ever since grade school, I have always had an opinion, an unusual sense of humor and a desire not to have the usual school experience. Therefore, my passions are centered on trying to understand our strange world. I am prepared to give all I have in order to pursue this aim and receive the benefits of a Boston University education. What I have to offer is my drive, concentration, and eccentricity; three words that I strive to embody.
ANY comments or bits of advice are welcome, including harsh but sensible criticism!
MF2010
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / BU supp: Why are you interested in BU and 3 words to describe you best [10]
Your essay is very personal and strong in MANY ways. You sound like you'd fit in at BU.
However, I might tone the peppiness down just a bit. I can picture a bitter admissions officer rolling his/her eyes at the end of a long day. Otherwise nice.
Your essay is very personal and strong in MANY ways. You sound like you'd fit in at BU.
However, I might tone the peppiness down just a bit. I can picture a bitter admissions officer rolling his/her eyes at the end of a long day. Otherwise nice.
MF2010
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / BU supplement: describe yourself in 3 words; 'education and new aadventures' [4]
As others have said, you sound a little bitter throughout your essay. To me, the tone sounded a little bit like you were defending yourself as a candidate.
It was certainly effective when you talked about yourself more. You might want to talk about what is positive about you more and WHY you're a good fit, not just how. Keep in mind they'll be reading hundreds of these in the heart of a depressing Massachusetts February.
You might also want to cut out the last sentence, or at least the "I hope" part. It is a little weak-sounding for the end of such a vigorous essay.
Very strong effort, though!
As others have said, you sound a little bitter throughout your essay. To me, the tone sounded a little bit like you were defending yourself as a candidate.
It was certainly effective when you talked about yourself more. You might want to talk about what is positive about you more and WHY you're a good fit, not just how. Keep in mind they'll be reading hundreds of these in the heart of a depressing Massachusetts February.
You might also want to cut out the last sentence, or at least the "I hope" part. It is a little weak-sounding for the end of such a vigorous essay.
Very strong effort, though!
MF2010
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / I walked out into the cold to clear my head; Accepting Failure/Common App [4]
Thanks for the advice, Erin!
I'd appreciate additional comments from everyone. Thanks!
Thanks for the advice, Erin!
I'd appreciate additional comments from everyone. Thanks!
MF2010
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / I walked out into the cold to clear my head; Accepting Failure/Common App [4]
Here is my Common App Essay. I would appreciate feedback greatly.
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After learning I had not made it to the final round, I walked out into the cold to clear my head. It was the second year I had failed to make finals in the National Forensics League District Tournament for Dramatic Interpretation. For the first time, I had been feeling at ease while performing. By stumbling over words in my last round, I had ensured my elimination. Furiously disappointed, I went for a walk around the school.
It was the last tournament of the year and I had travelled seven hours to rural Pennsylvania with my school's speech team to compete. Winning my first tournament earlier that season had increased my desire for victory. I sat down next to a small stream outside the school in my suit and tie. Criticizing myself for having memorized my monologue just a few days before the tournament, I picked up a small, muddy stone and cleared its surface. It had no striking features and was grey in colour. Its peculiar simplicity and apparent insignificance captivated me. There were billions of stones like it throughout the world. I realized that losing the tournament was one just the billions of disappointments that face all people. My reaction had been to sulk like a child, furious at myself. Staring at the pebble in my palm, I became content with my situation.
I discovered in that moment what it meant to accept failure. It meant having the humility to learn from it and move on. After having spent most of the seasons obsessed with winning another tournament, I had lost sight of the real goal: learning. The purpose of the speech competitions had been to give students public speaking experience, not to promote fierce competition. It had been humbling to have gotten as far as I did in that tournament. The natural modesty of that small stone I picked up reminded me that I was simply along for the ride. Life is too short to ignore the present completely in favour of a future goal. By failing, I realized my own arrogance and what embracing experiences meant. In retrospect, I had made it to semi-finals because I loved what I was doing, not because of a desire for first place.
While I have much to learn about life, I believe the lesson I learned that day is something I will be constantly reminded of throughout my life. Although I am a goal-oriented person, I now know that the steps taken toward that goal are often just as significant as the goal itself. In attempting to win that tournament, I learned to accept failure and embrace the opportunities of the present. The stone that reminded me of this remains in my suit pocket to this day. My double bass teacher and mentor once eloquently verbalized what it was I learned that day. He said to me "the climb ahead is difficult and tiring, so look around and enjoy the view while you can." Although he was referring to musicianship, the same applies to life.
Here is my Common App Essay. I would appreciate feedback greatly.
-----------------
After learning I had not made it to the final round, I walked out into the cold to clear my head. It was the second year I had failed to make finals in the National Forensics League District Tournament for Dramatic Interpretation. For the first time, I had been feeling at ease while performing. By stumbling over words in my last round, I had ensured my elimination. Furiously disappointed, I went for a walk around the school.
It was the last tournament of the year and I had travelled seven hours to rural Pennsylvania with my school's speech team to compete. Winning my first tournament earlier that season had increased my desire for victory. I sat down next to a small stream outside the school in my suit and tie. Criticizing myself for having memorized my monologue just a few days before the tournament, I picked up a small, muddy stone and cleared its surface. It had no striking features and was grey in colour. Its peculiar simplicity and apparent insignificance captivated me. There were billions of stones like it throughout the world. I realized that losing the tournament was one just the billions of disappointments that face all people. My reaction had been to sulk like a child, furious at myself. Staring at the pebble in my palm, I became content with my situation.
I discovered in that moment what it meant to accept failure. It meant having the humility to learn from it and move on. After having spent most of the seasons obsessed with winning another tournament, I had lost sight of the real goal: learning. The purpose of the speech competitions had been to give students public speaking experience, not to promote fierce competition. It had been humbling to have gotten as far as I did in that tournament. The natural modesty of that small stone I picked up reminded me that I was simply along for the ride. Life is too short to ignore the present completely in favour of a future goal. By failing, I realized my own arrogance and what embracing experiences meant. In retrospect, I had made it to semi-finals because I loved what I was doing, not because of a desire for first place.
While I have much to learn about life, I believe the lesson I learned that day is something I will be constantly reminded of throughout my life. Although I am a goal-oriented person, I now know that the steps taken toward that goal are often just as significant as the goal itself. In attempting to win that tournament, I learned to accept failure and embrace the opportunities of the present. The stone that reminded me of this remains in my suit pocket to this day. My double bass teacher and mentor once eloquently verbalized what it was I learned that day. He said to me "the climb ahead is difficult and tiring, so look around and enjoy the view while you can." Although he was referring to musicianship, the same applies to life.