Posts by tallmoose

tallmoose

Dec 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Sleep: intellectual vitality + Dial: future roommate - Stanford Short Essays [4]

Thank you. I certainly see what you mean where it might be too creative. I knew it was a bit on the unconventional side, however part of me likes it that way. Also, I just went and edited one of yours :)

Any other opinions?

tallmoose

Dec 28, 2009

Undergraduate / "R-r-rrrrring!" - Common App prompt [12]

You have a very compelling story to tell, however, this essay needs work.

First off, there are some basic grammatical mistakes that should be corrected. For example "set-up" should be "set up", "over toaster" should be "oven toaster", and the sentence that says, ""Just wake up at eight in the morning, get the van ready, and set-up the booth and we'll be fine," should read ""Just wake up at eight in the morning, get the van ready, set up the booth, and we'll be fine ..."

In terms of the actual content, I found myself a bit confused when I got to the second paragraph. It sounds as if your family has a business or something, however there was no introduction. Admissions readers may not realize that a bazaar is a market, which makes that part of the essay quite confusing. Another example is at the end when your mother arrived home. It was almost too quick of a transition and it left me feeling a little lost.

All in all I would just try to make the essay connect a little better. It is definitely a good story, it just needs to be made a tad more clear.

tallmoose

Dec 28, 2009

Undergraduate / ambitious, challenging and adaptable, why BU? and three words describe myself [2]

First off, some corrections on the second one. I have to say, there are a lot of mistakes...

1. I managed to solve these problems within an year through active involvement in sports...
Make sure to change to to "a"!

2.However, I managed to solve these problems within an year through active involvement in sports, clubs as well as through establishing bonding relationship with teachers by seeking their advice to overcome the difficulty.

I recommend: However, within a year I managed to solve these problems through active involvement in sports, clubs, and through establishing strong relationships with teachers who gave me advice about overcoming my difficulties.

3. As I solved one problem over another I found myself gaining high honors from the freshmen year of high school, and being recognized by almost all of freshmen for my active involvement in drama

As I solved one problem after another I found that I gained high honors in my freshman year of high school. Almost all my classmates began to recognize me for my active involvement in theater.

4. I was then confident of myself. This is the first definition of me: I am adaptable person who can easily deal with any kind of environment I would be.

At last I began to gain confidence in myself as I began to realize one of the things that defined me: I am an adaptable person who can adjust to almost any kind of environment.

5. But I did not satisfy with just adapting to the environment for I am ambitious person who holds idealistic goals under the realistic method.
However, I am an ambitious person and simply adapting to a new environment did not satisfy me.
(I am not sure what you are trying to say in that part about goals and methods... try rephrasing)

That is about all I can do for now. You are off to a good start, and when you get past all the basic structural and grammatical mistakes this is a good essay. Try to get a friend or a teacher who is good with words to go through this with you. With some help it could answer the question well. Good luck! :)

tallmoose

Dec 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Sleep: intellectual vitality + Dial: future roommate - Stanford Short Essays [4]

Hi there :)

I am new to this forum, I really wish I had discovered it sooner! I was wondering if a couple of you could look over my short essays for the Stanford application? I would greatly appreciate it. My parents are not native english speakers and I feel like I am starting to overwhelm the two other adults who have been kind enough to help me... haha.

Thanks!

1. Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

I know my answer for this one is a bit unconventional...
When the dark blanket folds over the sky we all succumb to the same pleasure, to the same weakness, and to the same transition into what is to come. Whether the day was spent ruling a country or lazily channel surfing from nine until five most people find that at the day's end they give into sleep- the escape that makes us all equal. It is in sleep that we are all brought back to being simply human and to being who we are. In sleep we are merely a man or woman vulnerable in this practice of resting and waiting for the next day to come.

Sleep also helps to expose what human beings truly are. During the day, in the light, a man may be viewed as the corrupt leader incapable of creating any good. The child on the street may be seen as the innocent girl still oblivious of what pains life can bring. Despite their overwhelming differences, as the night comes and the two lie down to sleep they suddenly become equals for in sleep it is not corruption nor innocence that rule what is to come but rather the shy subconscious that we so easily push aside. In sleep and in rest the subconscious can come forth and remind the corrupt leader of his childish desire to ride the largest horse on the carousel or of his embarrassing fear of spiders. On the other hand the child may be reminded of a dark desire that will haunt her in the morning and become a minor part of her. Both become subject to basic human personality, to the basic idea that somewhere in each man there is good and evil, youth and age.

Both the subconscious and the simple act of sleep equalize human beings. In sleep one is not a leader nor a child but merely a person resting in their respective bed. Sleep brings forth breathing, resting, and being- the most basic functions that remind us we are all simply human.

2. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.

Hello to my future roommate. I know getting to know the person you are about to live with is difficult and first impressions can so easily go wrong. Most people are defined by what they have done- not the stressful attitude they develop while unpacking into a very unfamiliar room. Fortunately for you and me, today is our friendship's lucky day. I have sent in the mail a time machine that will hopefully allow you to get to know me a bit better.

As you set back the dial to any date between September 23, 1992 and today I want you to keep in mind that this machine will take you everywhere and anywhere. You'll see the day I earned my first horse- the day that cemented me as a lifetime lover of equestrian sports. You'll visit the time I got a whole restaurant to sing along to the Beatles' "Hey Jude" and will realize you are about to meet someone who, despite her cynical exterior, enjoys the company of people at heart. If you choose wisely you may even meet the person who inspired me to start making stop motion films and perhaps you'll be excited to live with someone who can show you something a bit unique and new. These are the days that will make you want to know me, but this is not where the journey ends.

When turning the dial you may make some mistakes. You may land on the day when I was eight years old and stole a lollipop from a store. You might witness a tantrum or two and quickly learn what my bad habits are. However, I promise that these are simply the things that make me human. While living with me you will see these ups and downs, but I can assure you that regardless of how bright or bad the day is, I will still try to smile when you walk in the room. So take a chance and set that dial to the future- who knows, we could become the best of friends.