I need MAJOR help for editing my common application prompt response
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
"R-r-rrrrring!" 5 o'clock in the morning is when my alarm clock rang on November 22, 2007. That was first day my mom was in the United States and I was left with my grandmother and my sister in the Philippines. As soon as I got up that day, I prepared hot cocoa and cooked instant noodles for my sister. I woke her up to get ready since the school service would pick us up at six. It was the start of another adventure in my life, but like other things, I didn't know what to expect.
Before my mother left, we discussed the monthly payments that we needed to make while she was gone. She gave us 10,000 pesos enough to buy food, pay tabs, and rent a small space in a holiday village market. That stall in the community bazaar was actually the one that gave me, my grandmother, and my sister the temporary support for our daily needs. Since there was no one to man the booth, I called my aunties and uncles for help. "Just wake up at eight in the morning, get the van ready, set up the booth and we'll be fine," were the words of instruction I gave them. On the way home, I asked our school bus driver to drop me off at the bazaar to check on the sales. I did my homework whenever there were no customers, and as I jotted down my response to a chemistry assignment, it suddenly hit me how my life had started to change. I used to enter my house, watch "Deal or No Deal" while eating, and then do my homework. However, as I did the inventories on a weekly basis, I gained more knowledge on how I should prepare to face the real world. From there, I feel I had the responsibility of maintaining good business and seeing sales getting slow made me think of other things that could provide us with extra cash. An oven toaster, some pre-bought pan pizza, tomato sauce, cheese and pepperoni might give us the boost. While it didn't give us spare money, it helped cover payments for the water and electricity bills. Not until then when I realized the huge responsibility I had for my family.
As January of the following year came, we had to face huge mortgage payments. I didn't know where to get the money. I called my mother and asked when she would send the money. "Soon," she would say, a reply that gave me the uneasiness of not making the payment on time. When she sent the transaction number, I rode the public transportation and went to the remittance center to claim the money, and then I went to the bank immediately to make a deposit. This recurring job was what triggered me to realize how it would be different when I face the real world. "What if I'm in my mother's situation? Would I survive?," questions I kept on asking myself. More credit card statements come along. When I heard my mother's voice over the phone, I knew she wasn't at her best. She had no work which meant she had no money to send. I had to move on and find a way. I knew I couldn't sit and wait for the next call from my mother. I knew what I had to do. When my mother's sister agreed to provide us with meat products, my sister and I handily went door-to-door to offer them to our neighborhood. Needing to earn more money, I asked my grandmother if she could sell snacks midday. At that moment, I wasn't thinking about myself anymore. I realized how my mother had to leave the country for us, for the survival of the family. And I believe that it is very important for me to have the same sense of responsibility to be able to further stabilize our family. In a way, that is what's important anyway-having your family with you because in the end they will be the ones who are there to support your path to success.
After almost a year of sleepless nights, I woke up to a beautiful sunrise. Unlike before, I knew what to expect in the comings of my life. My mother had to be picked up at the airport and I was ready to tell her that I had done it and that I was cable of overcoming any barriers placed in front of me. Showing something I learned overtime, I proudly served my whole family home-cooked spaghetti. I have proven myself that I am not the abandoned teenager who depended on instant noodles; instead, I have become a responsible young adult who is ready to face any challenges that may come and to step forward to advance in life. I am not going to sit down and relax and see other people do the work for me. I know that I had to move and learn something for myself. Furthermore, (this experience has shaped my life and it has proven my ability to maintain a household, run a business and confront any barriers that may come my way. It has helped me, demostrate to my family and specially my mother that I have become an independent individual, ready for the real world.) what the ultimate important thing in this experience is that it has enabled me to show more of myself-being able to accommodate multi-tasks at once and excel in each one of them, dutifully take adult jobs and problems, and be a business-minded, independent individual. After this experience, I have shown to my family, especially to my mother, that I am ready to face the real world. But more to that, I have given myself the courage I need to face other barriers that may come my way. And I believe that's why this experience is truly important to me.
I think the experience perfectly demonstrates your transcition from a child to an adult. However, you jump unexpectedly from one thing to another on the first paragraphs, try making it so it flows a little more. I like your introduction though. I fixed some present-past tense errors and your conclusion.I am sorry i did not highlight them, my red doesn't seem to be working. Good luck on the college application process. I hope this helped.
Please check my post and comment on it. Thank you.
You have a very compelling story to tell, however, this essay needs work.
First off, there are some basic grammatical mistakes that should be corrected. For example "set-up" should be "set up", "over toaster" should be "oven toaster", and the sentence that says, ""Just wake up at eight in the morning, get the van ready, and set-up the booth and we'll be fine," should read ""Just wake up at eight in the morning, get the van ready, set up the booth, and we'll be fine ..."
In terms of the actual content, I found myself a bit confused when I got to the second paragraph. It sounds as if your family has a business or something, however there was no introduction. Admissions readers may not realize that a bazaar is a market, which makes that part of the essay quite confusing. Another example is at the end when your mother arrived home. It was almost too quick of a transition and it left me feeling a little lost.
All in all I would just try to make the essay connect a little better. It is definitely a good story, it just needs to be made a tad more clear.
I liked your essay a lot and I thought it was well written. However i think you could expand more on how the experience affected you. About 90% of your essay is just the experience, i think if you went deeper into how it impacted you and changed you as a person your essay would stand out more. Lots of people will be submitting essays centered on hardship, so its up to you to make yours personal. Good job and good luck!
Thank you for the grammatical edits. I can't believe I have edited this essay a bunch of times but I never spotted the "overoven toaster." Anyway, thanks for that.
I tried putting in a sentence about saying that we had a booth in the 'market' that gives us money to support our daily needs.
I can't, however, find the right transition when my mother arrives. I don't know what and where to place it.
Thanks for ALL the help and will be glad to help you in the future.
Thank you! That was the same response given to me by my teacher -- the lack of personal attributes to the experience. I will be looking onto that and try to delve into that sense. Really appreciate your reply! :)
If you have spare time, editing my other essay would be greatly appreciated!
"An oven toaster, some pre-bought pan pizza, ..." - Common App, feedbacks please
I understand it is quite long. However, there are no set character/word limits. ANY feedback, edits.. will be GREATLY appreciated.
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
That was the first day my mom
She gave us 10,000 pesos, enough to buy food
Just minor grammatical things.
I really like the content of this essay - it highlights your leadership and maturity without being boastful. This is great!!
I agree with the corrections the previous poster made, too. With some fine tuning, you've got a strong piece of writing. Where are you applying (if you don't mind me being so nosy haha!)?
Wow. Overall, I think it's very powerful. Adcoms will get a lot out of you from this.
A few minor things.
5 o'clock in the morning is when my alarm clock rang on November 22, 2007. - passive voice??
how about - The 5 o'clock alarm woke me on November 22, 2007, the day my mother left me... (sounds like a hook?)
As I jotted down my response to a chemistry assignment, it suddenly hit me how my life has started to change. I used to enter my house, watch "Deal or No Deal" while eating, and then do my homework. - that kind of hit me as "sudden" (not intended to be dry humor :D )
I realized how my mother had to leave the country for us; for the survival of the family.
Thank you for the huge feedback, jenn92. I will look into changing some parts of my essay.
Ivy_Equestrian, thank you for the feedback! :D I am applying to lots of colleges but.. I'm using this essay as part of my application for UPenn, USD, and Stanford. :)
ddragonx34, thank you for the encouragement and for the edits! :D
THANKS!
i agree with all the corrections made above. this is a very good essay.
Your are very welcome, I hope everything goes well. =)
I realized how[it should be why ] my mother had to leave the country for us; for the survival of the family.
And I believe that it is very important for me to have the same sense of responsibility to be able to further stabilize our family.
Right now, it was imperative that I should have the same degree of responsibility for the stability of the family.
Nice essay, I had some shivers down my spine when I got to the middle. That's always a good sign :)
autogunny, thank you! :)
I took into consideration most of the edits you guys gave me.
