Writing Feedback / 'aspects of mobile phones' - IELTS writing task2 [3]

Your I/P:

It's better to combine the first 2 (even 3) sentences into 1 for a complete thoughts.
In academic writing for IELTS, try to use more formal vocabulary, my suggestion to use DRAMATICALLY, SIGNIFICANTLY or some others i/o VERY.
Combine the last compound sentence into a complex one to make it coherence.

Undergraduate / St Lawrence University Supp - how you spent your vacations/holidays? [3]

Wow, it seems a long and interesting story of what you did in your last two years vacation. i can conclude, through reading, that you were very fond of motorbike, housework, stock market, musical instruments playing, etc... but can not see any points from such things in answer to the topic. So, it may be said that your story did leave far away behind the topic...

Regarding to your details, it's better to consolidate them into groups to answer how you spent the vacation: for entertainment? for earning? for giving hands to housework? or for studying? that is what the topic really wants to know. Err, this means the story should be re-organized structurally in accordance with essay purpose.

Well, it's hardly to say mine is good but it is what an audience like me feels through reading yours.

Essays / Thesis statement for an argumentative essay about music [8]


It is still significantly generalization as the audience would be in doubt how important this part (music) is, then why without it we would not be as advanced as we are today? this thesis will raise at least two subtopics you are going to discuss in the body:

1) the importance of music
2) is it definitely necessary for us to be advanced with music?

These two subtopics contain lots of arguments you are going to settle in the body. At least, you should narrow down them. My suggestion is:

Music is one of many important parts of our lives because it can be an approach not only to reduce each of our mental tension but also to inspire our feelings in artistic sense.

Then, there are only two subtopics to develop into two paragraphs in the body:

1) music is an approach to reduce people's mental tension
2) music inspires people's feelings in artistic sense

You can use those ideas from your beginning brainstorming as supporting ideas for each subtopics. Hope this from mine is helpful. Nice weekend!