Undergraduate /
The faculty of thinking and acquiring knowledge; Stanford/ Intellectual Vitality [4]
"Why?" was the usual response I expected from my parents when I asked if I could build a trebuchet.
just sounds wrong. what are you trying to say? i can kind of get a feel for it as a read further, but it's a really poor opening. awkward and confusing. how about just "my parents asked"? they get that you do this sort of thing a lot in the last paragraph.
The answer was provided
passive. "the answer came in the sight of"? "they got their answer from the sight of"?
victoriously launching oranges
"victoriously" sounds off in this context.
After much rebuilding and reworking we had a five-foot wooden structure...
where's the flow? i understand that you get to the oranges later, but the wording is so abrupt that it sounds like you're starting a new topic entirely.
but somehow arranged
"but it was"
- - you use "juicy" twice and too close together.
However, I realized that
you can get rid of this altogether
- - in general, paragraph two is very stilted. flow flow flow.
All the years of building Lego towers that fell down, producing lop-sided Erector contraptions and launching misguided orange projectiles has led me to my love of engineering and physics.
isn't it the other way around? how about "I discovered my love...throughout all..."?
I'm always ready to learn from my experiences whether they end up successes or failures.
"from both the successes and failures I experience"?
in general, it's a really good topic. says a lot about who you are, and it provides vivid mental images. it's entertaining, yet it still manages to promote your strong points. i LOVE your last line. all you need to work on is language, because right now it's sounding very disjointed.
read mine mebbe?? ;D
