Undergraduate /
'Research into rare medicinal herbs' - Why Franklin and marshall college? [8]
I developed a profound interest in life sciences
change "profound" to a not-so-impressing word..It sounds like pseudo-profoundity.
You may also want to remove the introduction.
Afterall, Ben Franklin had said - "Tell me and I forget
Change it to "As Bejamin Franklin had said...".Use full name(I was blamed for not using the full name of a professor in one of my "why" essay)
A community of highly achieving .... required for a student to succeed.
delete. Admissions Officers already saw that.
Other suggestions:write more concrete stories about your research on Yarsagumba and social devotions.Write more about what you developed from the activities, and what they reveal about you. AOs may be happy to learn more about you. Also write less about the school(AOs know their own school very well)
P.S. I'm applying to F&M too.Good luck!
