Posts by Akensheye

Akensheye

Jan 8, 2010

Undergraduate / Common App. Essay. WORST ESSAY OF MY LIFE. [4]

Does anyone feel that I could make a better opening? I find mine to be plain and stale, like a power-point presentation.

:/

Akensheye

Jan 8, 2010

Undergraduate / Instilling Christian values - USD essay response [2]

Hey there Vincent,

I feel like your subject could be really awesome, but there are some parts that I find a little bit confusing. Maybe it would be better to remove or rethink certain parts of your essay.

Studying in a private institution, I have been provided with exemplary degree of academic knowledge. However, growing up in a Christian school at the same time, my young mind has been instilled with Christian values. In today's generation, excelling academically is not the only way to success in life. There are more to it--one of which is being able to generously share your own time and effort.

The word "young" really isn't important, colleges know your age already. Save that possible word count for an awesome ending.

Also " There are more to it" , this simply doesn't make sense, that entire last sentence is somewhat difficult, I suggest you reconstruct it. What exactly do you mean by "sharing time and effort"

Are you referencing your experiences and emotional growth from participating in community service events and organizations?

I suggest that you gather your thoughts more.

What has community service and being a part of student counsel done for you?
How has that changed you, isolated you, mentally, intellectually, morally, ethically. How has it enhanced your spiritual connection with Christianity...

I suggest you create a stronger thesis, and proof-read your essay. There are a few harsh grammar errors.

However, you have an amazing subject matter. You being engaging member of your community, how does that create a strong sense of awareness, and how do your religious beliefs and spiritual values reflect and enhance your mental understanding and emphasis on community, connection and self-development.

Akensheye

Jan 8, 2010

Undergraduate / Common App. Essay. WORST ESSAY OF MY LIFE. [4]

Hey there , for the Common Application general essay, I chose the topic
"Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you. "

So... I chose being gay. D: Is this a bad idea? I am looking over my Essay, and I feel as if It may not be good enough. Please tell me what you think! I can look over yours, if you would like.

A social issue that is extremely personal to me is the conflicting social dynamic of homosexuality in a heterosexual world. I, being a homosexual young man, face the social pressures that isolate the members of LGBTQQ without alleviation. This social issue is important to me for it has greatly influenced my life by restricting and condemning my identity. It is an issue that has not only limited and controlled me, but has given me perspective, and taught me values that I am extremely grateful for.

I find myself in a paradox, between what I am supposed to be, and what I am actually, being pulled back and forth by the regulations of society and my personal struggle with sexual identity. From the moment I was born I was put in a category, the category of male. In society, a male is expected to be masculine and follow a restrictive set of guidelines and standards that portray the individual as masculine. If a male individual deviates from these standards, he puts himself in a dangerous situation. Most of modern society defines humans by their sex: male or female. Therefore, one can act either masculine or feminine only. If a male is not acting masculine and not following masculine archetypes, then that male is acting feminine, as a girl, and this perverts the social standards of male identity. Male and female are considered opposite; they are supposed to be separate in societal standards. A male, having sexual feelings for another male perverts the standards that males are sexually drawn towards females, a masculine stereotype. This isolates a homosexual male in a category that doesn't fit into traditional convention. Society tags such homosexual males as unmanly, for they have sexual feelings for other males, something traditionally allowed only by individuals of the female gender. This is what makes homosexuality something that can be considered taboo or perverted. It is this absolute belief in gender archetypes that creates acceptable identities for the stereotypical males or females but not for individuals who do not follow the conventional standards. How am I, a homosexual male, supposed to find a social acceptance, or even a personal acceptance within the society I live in?

It would be impossible to completely ignore social standards and expectations, for I have to function in a modern day society. The adversity that I face is keeping me from being my own individual, it is diminishing my own personal integrity and because of it, I have developed a self-hatred. I question if I am ill or perverted, simply because of my sexual orientation, and I, subconsciously, (Because I try to fit into my society) believe that I am. This is something that no human being should have to feel for it is not fair. Being a homosexual was never my choice and neither is being heterosexual. Why, then, is it that homosexuality is an unacceptable concept? Are humans simply unable to comprehend lifestyles that don't fit into their own personal ideals and convention? Are homosexuals destined to be out-casts, for they are not like a majority? I believe that the answer is no. My homosexuality is a part of me and it does not make sense for me to be condemned, ridiculed, isolated and ashamed of myself. The emotional torment that I suffer everyday secludes me and rips apart my integrity. The pain I feel, that has taken control over my life should not have to be felt by any one. I have concealed, and oppressed my feelings, I have lied to everyone and to myself, I have attempted to erase my identity and conform to society. In sacrifice, my emotional development and self-esteem have been permanently scarred. I have perverted and distorted my identity. A huge part of my adolescence and life has been deranged. My deep-rooted insecurities affect all aspects of my life and have confined me to fear and isolation. At times, I feel as if I was born a failure, stained with unworthiness. I can believe that I am repulsive, wrong, weak, weird, unwanted, and unacceptable. I am Incapable of being loved for I cannot love myself. I am in an emotional paradox, and everyday, I am growing more aware of it.

I am a homosexual, in a heterosexual society. From my personal experiences and perspective I have developed a sensibility and objectiveness to what I feel is a flawed society. My feelings, concealed inside of me, are what motivate me and act as a catalyst to my passionate longing to change and challenge aspects of my society. My personal anguish has catapulted my mental compassion for others, to a level I cannot connect on with my peers. I seek justice in everything and become furious with passion for what I feel is wrongly oppressed. For me, education stretches beyond the classroom, beyond books, past performance halls, and after graduation. It is life that I chose to challenge and that I feel is truly important. I may be bruised and hurt, confused, and ashamed, but I am also enraged, impassioned, and imbued with the ambition to help change the world around me. It is my duty, as well as my privilege, to be able to share my personal experiences and adversities, so that I may become a part of the world that I want to change.

this is so embarrassing.
* I am an " In the Closet- Gay" just... as a side bar.