Undergraduate / Life journey and turning points (statement of purpose) [6]

First and foremost is this a very rough draft and taking a new approach. At the end of the essay there are a few bullets, so bare with me. All feed back is greatly appreciated as the deadline for these essays are March 1st

Essay, draft 1

Let me take you back to my junior year, the year 2004. This was a very drastic turning point in my life. I was involved in a gruesome car accident the Sunday before Spring Break. Everything I had planned was put on hold for the next four months. In my accident my body was completely mangled. I broke my femur, my pelvis, my collar bone, and six ribs puncturing my left lung. I was bed ridden and confined to a wheelchair. During this time I developed a love for puzzles, brain teasers, and ____. I missed the remaining part of my junior year.

I returned to school the following year with a mere nine months till graduation. Just like everyone else, I could not wait - even though I didn't have any plans for college or a fancy job lined up. All I know is that my grades drastically improved the last two years (having to adjust to the grading system here compared to Canada) and like every 18 year old, I thought the world was at my feet.

After graduation my grandfather immediately asked, "What do you plan on doing with your life now son?" How was I to answer his question? I wanted of go to college, but it wasn't in my family's history. We didn't have the money for school. That didn't stop me though. That fall I enrolled at my local community college. (Better transition)I wasn't quite up to college level in reading or math. Trying to juggle a fulltime job and college I passed the two courses, putting me at college level. I enrolled the following semester as a full time student. I started with four classes, and slowly one by one dropped courses left and right. Before I knew it I was a college drop out. This was first time I ever quit anything. At the ripe age of 19, I was blinded by the materialistic items my job was fulfilling me with. I guess this wasn't my time for college. I wasn't focused or ready for the challenge that lay ahead.

I wasn't happy with myself for dropping out of school. I knew I needed to do something with my life, but still wasn't quite sure what. I enlisted into the United States Air Force. The process was quite extensive; screenings, interviews, tests, and meeting with the surgeon general about my prior injuries. He approved my waiver and allowed me to enlist. I shipped off to San Antonio for Basic Training on September 25th 2007. My time in the Air Force was cut short due to my injuries and requires I be medically discharged. During those two months I learned more about myself then I have the twenty years prior. I was taught about integrity, will power, and excellence in everything I do. I was taught how to work as a team, pay attention to details, and help others out. This was quite an eye opening experience. It could be said that it was a turning point, a time where I became more focused.

(maybe elaborate on some of these qualities a bit?)

Once again I was faced with the challenge and question, "What do I want from your life?" I had to rethink everything. With my family there was only one thing, find a job and work. They didn't much care to listen to my plan, or what I wanted to do. So I went back to my previous job doing then only thing I knew and not getting ahead. I was frustrated but sucked it up. When the economy fell apart it took a toll on the company being in the oil field business. That March the company announced a lay off. I thought to myself, if I got laid off it would give me a chance to open a new window and go back to school for good this time. (Were my prayers answered.)I was one for the seven which got laid off. I wasn't affected as much as one might think. I had a game plan. I was determined to succeed this time. I was going to be the first person in my family to go and graduate from college. I completed all the necessary forms, applications and financial aid packet for the summer semester. I enrolled in six hours, to maximum they would allow for a summer semester. I couldn't wait for school to start. I was like a kid during Christmas. The night before the semester finally rolled around I couldn't sleep with anticipation and excitement. I didn't know what I had in store for me but I was determined to take it head on and conquer anything. My first semester back was a struggle getting in the grove of learning, studying and taking notes. I pulled it off though. After the six weeks and when grades were submitted I pulled off the unthinkable. I brought home two A's. At this point nothing my family could say would take away my determination, my focus, and my will to succeed at being a college student.

(break this into smaller paragraphs possibly)

Through the course of six years, having ups and downs, having things happen not as planned I am highly motivated, extremely focused, goal driven, and ready to take anything on that lies in my way. I am applying to the College of Natural Sciences seeking a degree in computer science. I am a great problem solver, fast thinker and won't stop working towards the final outcome. Computer science is about problem solving, and with my history of problems and how I over came them I feel I am a strong candidate that will succeed at accomplishing the task at hand. I have the ability to pay attention to detail and the dedication to press forward until a specific solution is found. I love brain teaser and puzzles. I love a challenge that requires me to think outside the box for a solution.

Undergraduate / prove to my family and friends that I can succeed -UT Austin Transfer Essay [5]

I am trying to decide how to start my essay and from what approc to take. I have read a few peoples essays and they all focus on an even, like going to the doctor, or a tragic death, or something but my main focus is all within. My purpose is for myself and to prove to my family and friends that I can succeed and become something. Below are the 3 different approaches to my statement of purpose. If anyone would be so kind to help I would greatly appreciate it.

Topic A - Statement of Purpose
Idea 1
We've all been told that we serve one purpose or another in this thing called life. For the longest time I struggled with what I thought, or wanted my purpose to be. It's one thing to sit back and watch things unfold right before our eyes, and it's another to take charge and have an influence on the final outcome. We all have dreams, ambitions, and goals, but for some they don't ever take a chance to chase their dream. Rather they hop on a bandwagon and go with the flow, floating through life without a purpose in mind. I am an achiever, and go after what I believe in. I learn from my mistakes, but bounce right back up and continue marching forward. I haven't ever had the support that most people get when in school. I have always been faced by comments like "You won't ever be as smart as your sibling" or "You can't do that, you're not smart enough" and so on. I over came all those obstacles and proved to myself most importantly that I can succeed when I am focused and determined.

Idea 2
"Why," I shouted, "do you always have to put me down? Why do you think I'm not good enough to become someone?

"Well for starters," he suggested, "You haven't proved yourself to anyone, and your younger siblings will always be better then you."

This has been a common battle with me and my inner demon. He was much like alcohol or heroin. Constantly putting me down, making me second guess my beliefs, morals, goals, and purpose. I try to shut him out as much as possible, but every corner I turn, in my sleep he still appears and degrades what I stand for. I can't get away no matter how hard I try.

Idea 3
I'm in this room, about the size of a single car garage. It's fairly dark, light slightly penetrating through a skylight exactly in the middle of the ceiling. The room has nothing on its walls except white paint; the floor is a cold cement slab. There are two chairs, directly across from one another roughly 3 feet apart. I'm sitting in one and the other is occupied by an exact replica of myself but instead is my inner demon.

"Why have you brought me to this place?" I asked curiously.
"You see," he started to respond in a slow quiet hissing voice; "Your time has run out. You are at the end of the road." He pauses for a few seconds then continues, "You will never become anything. You will always be in the shadows of your brother," and finishes with a wicked evil grin and malicious laugh.

I don't know what to think, mouth and eyes wide open. I'm set back, dumbfounded some might say. "This, this," I stuttered, "Can't be true. I can be better than my brother; I can work just as hard if not harder and prove to you, my family, and myself that I can become someone." I sat there in the quiet a few seconds. Just as I started to stand my alarm went off. "This was all a dream," I scratched my head asking myself, "That wasn't real" Everything was so clear and vivid it was as if I actually witnessed everything. I shake my head still puzzled by what just happened.

It was that very moment I knew I needed to do something with my life. I couldn't expect things to be handed to me. I had to come up with a plan and come about a way to execute that plan and put it in motion. I didn't want to just settle working in a factory, in retail, or in a restaurant. I wanted to do something with my life.