pinnotes
Feb 20, 2010
Undergraduate / UT Austin Statement of Purpose (bodybuilding and diabetes) [6]
Bignasty36
Hello Hassan,
This is a great essay. Just a few things Id like to recommend
I began junior high with the "asinine" assumption - might want to change that word. Its a little too strong . Try perhaps "ignorant" or "mislead"
You should have seen how surprised I was to find that I had hit a plateau and just couldn't accelerate higher loads. --- I would drop the "you should have seen" and just go into how suprised you were. That will make it flow nicer
Avoid using "you"phrases all together like: "you should have" or "You dont know how long I have waited" ( just examples) It will stream line your essay to sound more polished and mature
Your second paragraph is fantastic. I love how you talk specificly about the science you have had to employ to achieve your personal body building goal. It was very interesting. Just becareful of the last sentence. It doesn't seem to fit with the the earlier flow.
Since studying the human body more "discretely"- that means in secret or subtle. Try "intensively" or "in depth"
Did your father have a heart attack as a result of his diabetes? That is an important point that I think you should make a little clearer. If you come right out and say that, it will really evoke compassion and heighten reader's hope for you to acheive your personal goal.
Because of this fundamental reason I am requesting a transfer from the University of Texas at Arlington to UT-Austin.. try not to start sentences with "because". If you flip your main clauses around and say, I am requesting a transfer.. because of this fundemental reason. - that will sound better
Consider leaving out your last sentence, it sounds too general and a bit trite. Keep your essay focoused on only what you plan to contribute to society as a result of your education at UT
Im sure you are going to do well at whatever your goals are. Good Luck!
Bignasty36
Hello Hassan,
This is a great essay. Just a few things Id like to recommend
I began junior high with the "asinine" assumption - might want to change that word. Its a little too strong . Try perhaps "ignorant" or "mislead"
You should have seen how surprised I was to find that I had hit a plateau and just couldn't accelerate higher loads. --- I would drop the "you should have seen" and just go into how suprised you were. That will make it flow nicer
Avoid using "you"phrases all together like: "you should have" or "You dont know how long I have waited" ( just examples) It will stream line your essay to sound more polished and mature
Your second paragraph is fantastic. I love how you talk specificly about the science you have had to employ to achieve your personal body building goal. It was very interesting. Just becareful of the last sentence. It doesn't seem to fit with the the earlier flow.
Since studying the human body more "discretely"- that means in secret or subtle. Try "intensively" or "in depth"
Did your father have a heart attack as a result of his diabetes? That is an important point that I think you should make a little clearer. If you come right out and say that, it will really evoke compassion and heighten reader's hope for you to acheive your personal goal.
Because of this fundamental reason I am requesting a transfer from the University of Texas at Arlington to UT-Austin.. try not to start sentences with "because". If you flip your main clauses around and say, I am requesting a transfer.. because of this fundemental reason. - that will sound better
Consider leaving out your last sentence, it sounds too general and a bit trite. Keep your essay focoused on only what you plan to contribute to society as a result of your education at UT
Im sure you are going to do well at whatever your goals are. Good Luck!