Posts by Khazidhea

Khazidhea

Mar 6, 2010

Graduate / TOEFL: Why do people visit museums? Curiosity [5]

Whoa, that's a great essay. I cant find any obvious mistakes and the general flow of the essay seems logical and makes sense. The quotation thing is brilliant. If you truly managed to just sit down and write this in 30 min I'd consider this as a masterpiece TOEFL essay. 6\6

Khazidhea

Mar 6, 2010

Essays / How to get started? What interests have come to you [3]

Hello,

I am not 100% sure but if I was writing that essay I would write how my academic interests developed. Specifically for me I would write that at first I was interested in math and sciences in general, then I focused on math and physics and because of that I went to specific high school where I was taught a programming course which I LOVED. Since then I am determined about the fact that I am going to deal with Computer Science for the rest of my life.

Khazidhea

Mar 5, 2010

Letters / English career Course -- resume and cover letter [6]

Hello, I am actually new to this forum. But I think I found some grammatical mistakes.

The duration of the training is about 8 weeks starting from the end of April 2010.

in the field of mechanical engineering by exposing (who?) myself to the real situation that required knowledge

Besides, I am able to maintain a good grade point (GPA) of 3.71, which is first class in the course.

I dont really understand what do you mean by "first class in the course". Best GPA in class?

Altogether, this makes me one of the ideal candidate for this internship position.

There is no need for "as" and I think "Altogether" fits better.

For your information , I will be graduating on the May of 2011.

my skills fit in your organization

Participation in Badminton and football competition

Able to cooperate and to lead the group

Able to generate new ideas and quickly solve problems.

And you could write something like "Master of critical and positive thinking". Not sure about this one though.

Khazidhea

Mar 5, 2010

Graduate / 'the family is the real winner' - Toefl: playing game is fun only when we win [3]

Hi again. I must say I liked you previous essay much more.

Strictly from grammatic point of view there are quite a lot of mistakes and typos:

Playing games is one of the many things that all people like to do, because it brings pleasure, fun and happiness. I do not agree with people who think that playing game is fun only when they win, because playing game has other importance than only winning. The first importance of playing game is that it gathers all the member of the family. The parents can spend their free time with their kids while playing game. Whoever wins the game, the family is the real winner, because both the kids and the parents share something together. These moments of playing game affect the kids as much as they affect the parents. Obviously, The parents and the kids will feel each other. However, the parents will try to spend more time with their kids. On the other hand, the kids will do all their home work to play with their parents. Secondly, playing game helps to avoid being stressed. People need to play games not only to win but to forget the presser of the workday. Play games allow people to laugh and think positively. So, they will be far from getting depressed by work or other occupations. Another importance of playing games is that it develops the love of challenge in person . Some games require some intelligence or just persistence . This challenge developed through pla ying games will be used in solving other problems or reaching some goals in life. For example if the game requires to find the way to reach some points, the person playing this game will use the same challenge to find this way in searching all the alternatives and solutions to solve the problems or to realize their goals in life. Some people believe that playing a game is fun only when they win because they do not feel less smart, or less intelligence. I think that we must have confidence in ourselves. It is not playing a game that evaluates our intelligence or our ability (to do what?). I really savor the moments of playing any game especially with my family. I do not care who wins , because I feel the happiness, the peace and only these is the real winning.

You should use either "Playing games" or "Playing a game".
You should pay more attention when you use Present Simple and add those "s" in verbs.

Obviously, The parents and the kids will feel each other. However, the parents will try to spend more time with their kids. On the other hand, the kids will do all their home work to play with their parents.

What do you mean by "feel each other"? I am not sure what are you trying to say, but I strongly believe that "feeling each other" is what you meant. And you are using some wrong words here to connect sentences. What you do is trying to contradict the previous sentence. But instead you should be using words like "In addition", "Moreover", "Besides", etc.

From stylistic point of view try to separate your essay in some paragraphs. At least separate the introduction, main body and conclusion.

And I wanna say something about your ideas for this essay. Jumping straight to the parents-kids playing a game was a HUGE surprise for me. A bad one. I dont think it's a good example. It's not really what your essay should be about. You should have written something similar to the second half of your essay.

I am sorry for being so harsh.

Khazidhea

Mar 4, 2010

Writing Feedback / Toefl:Some students like classes where teachers lecture (do all of the talking) [3]

Hello,

I am new to this forum and I am not real expert in English. However I managed to get 7.0 in IELTS and 630 in TOEFL(PBT).

I make the possible to be present all the time, because the atmosphere of some talking liberty is the best atmosphere a student can have.

You cant make "the possible". Probably it should say

I make it possible to be present all the time, because the atmosphere of some talking liberty is the best atmosphere a student can have.

Or you can just say "I try to be present there all the time", "I try to be there all the time".

Secondly , in classes where the student do some of the talking , is a successful class , because teacher can detect students who do not understand the course among others, so he can clear some ideas. He also has the possibility to get a feedback of their students.

This "is" should refer to some noun, but it doesnt. Moreover you are confused with using singular and plural nouns "class" and "classes". The "he" in your sentence refers to the teacher, but I believe you ment it so it refers to student. And I do not really get what do you mean by "clearing some ideas".

Fixing the "is" and plural nouns:

Secondly the class where the student do some of the talking is a successful class, because teacher can detect students who do not understand the course among others ...

Khazidhea

Mar 4, 2010

Undergraduate / MIT International Transfer Essay "Why MIT?" [3]

The full topic sound like "Please explain your reasons for wanting to attend MIT."

The word limit is 500. I just cant to fit all of my reasons for wanting to attend MIT.
Basically I would like to outline the main 3:

1) Research opportunities.
2) People at MIT. MIT community.
3) MIT is a challenge. I did not get in as an undergrad and I wanna try it again.

So here it goes (560 words):

I was always interested in Computer Science. In the beginning my driving force was the creation of games and other flashy but not really useful programs. Later I developed a real passion for programming and I decided what I want to do with my life: research Artificial Intelligence.

I believe currently research opportunities on that matter in Kazakhstan (my home country) are pretty bad. Naturally, I thought about studying abroad and my parents agreed to give me a chance. From what I had gathered Massachusetts Institute of Technology was the best place to learn and become proficient on the subject of Computer Science, including AI. By that time I had already known quite a lot about the university. I encountered different information about it in books, movies and even video games. Nearly every article in popular science magazines I read credited or referred to MIT scientists. I also made some special research and was amazed at the list of achievements of the MIT graduates. So in 2006 I applied, but my first attempt was not successful. Unfortunately, I failed to score high enough to meet the MIT requirements. I needed an improvement.

I applied for the "Bolashak" scholarship which is awarded to the most capable students in Kazakhstan to study abroad. Thanks to "Bolashak" I was admitted to Trinity College Dublin in 2008. The overall quality of education was higher than anything I have seen before. The lecturers tried to deliver the material in the most convenient way for students to understand. The tutorials were extremely helpful. But yet I felt like I did not realize my full potential here. I did not really have to study really hard to stay on top of the class. Additional problems include inflexible timetable and some of the courses offered.

I still did not completely bury my dream about studying in MIT. On the contrary, I developed a greater interest in MIT. It was due to the fact that I learned a lot about Computer Science in the last 2 years. Frankly, I learned quite a lot about Computer Science in MIT. "Being Digital" by Nicholas Negroponte was one of the key books during my first year in TCD. One of the huge first year projects on data visualization had to be done using only the Processing tool which is developed by MIT Media Lab. During the lectures, our professors at TCD often mentioned people or inventions of MIT. I watched some of MIT online lectures to get more information on the subjects I was interested in.

I tried to find out how the life in MIT looks like. I looked through the courses offered and was very happy with fact that I would love to learn 90% of them. I browsed MIT CSAIL, MIT MTL and MIT Media Lab websites. I read blogs and forums, watched videos, listened to podcasts and explored social networks to get to know what the spirit of MIT is. And I liked it. Professors seem to really care about students. Quite a lot of students described their lecturers as being funny and having great sense of humor. Students themselves are extremely intelligent and ambitious. I truly feel like I would learn from my peers as much as I would learn from my professors.

I am applying as a transfer student because I believe I belong to MIT.

Personally I feel like the last sentence is not strong enough. I do feel like I belong to MIT because I just like they stuff they do on their dorm videos. And I would probably like being dumbest person in the room surrounded be geniuses, it would motivate me study harder. I like the idea of being in a walking distance of some of the greatest minds humanity ever had. I love nerdy math\physics\computer jokes. I quite often make my own.

The idea of challenge is also kind of left unopened. I just cut it out because I am already exceeded the word limit.

And basically I am not really good at English and I want to check if I made some obvious mistake in grammar or style. Any suggestions what should I change are much appreciated. And do you think I really answered the question?