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Posts by knich6
Joined: Mar 3, 2010
Last Post: Mar 8, 2010
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Posts: 3  

From: United States of America

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knich6   
Mar 3, 2010
Writing Feedback / Email and text messaging threats written language [5]

FIRST PARAGRAPH

This replaced a traditional method of communication in the past.
The aim of this essay is to discuss the positive and negative of mobile cell and electronic mail.

The reason i crossed these two sentences out is because the first sentence is unnecessary and the second is too vague to use as a thesis and you shouldn't use "the aim of this esssy" in an essay. Maybe state some positives and negatives of the mobile cell and electronic mail.

SECOND PARAGRAPH

dont use a between took and time. dont put also in your third sentence of your second paragraph. "its" would be it's but you never use contractions in an essay so, it is. dont say to avoid. (akward phrase)

THIRD PARAGRAPH

send needs to be sending.

FOURTH PARAGRAPH

firstly? that should be first.
*students who areaddictedfor to could can effect (i think) future assignments. this might be convert to a serious threaten

CONCLUSION

use something other then in addition.

OVERALL

it was okay. it needs to be longer though and you have alot of mistakes to fix.
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