Posts by Kurogashi

Kurogashi

Mar 21, 2010

Writing Feedback / Introduction/Thesis Help (good family = good future, bad family = bad future) [9]

Nevermind, I have finished the essay and like what it is, thanks again for the help. You guys got me started, which is probably the biggest problem, haha. (I blame procrastination)

Kurogashi

Mar 21, 2010

Book Reports / AN ESSAY ON THE BOOK THE ALCHEMIST BY PAULO COELHO [3]

I'll edit the first paragraph only because it is 3AM and I am tired. I'll try to do more tomorrow.

"The most interesting thing that I have done with my summer is get job. While I was applying at Subways last year, I told myself that I will hold on to the job throughout the summer. I ended up working a lot of hours and even earned some profit. In The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, the main character Santiago also got the job that he wanted. Santiago's personal belief and mine are similar because we both can finish what we started. Santiago finished his job, his journey and any tasks that was given to him."

Anyway, you need to reread a lot of your content, and try using a spellchecker. You tend to jump from present to past tense, which leaves the reader confused. And I just skimmed across your essay and saw you repeating a lot of the same lines, I am not sure why you did that. Also, I am not sure what you mean by personal legend, so I am assuming you mean beliefs, morals, etc.

Alright, good luck.

Kurogashi

Mar 20, 2010

Writing Feedback / Introduction/Thesis Help (good family = good future, bad family = bad future) [9]

Thank you for the feedback.
However, I am now having a lot of trouble with what to put in the body. I'm beginning to do more summarizing than using the books as supportive points. This is my second paragraph:

The years of a teenager are full of changes. Not only are there physical changes, there are emotional and social changes. Some may find the years of adolescent to be the best years of their lives, while others may consider it to be filled with emotions. There are those who drown in these waves, while others desperately try to grasp a breath of relief. Whether we sink in our pain or have our heads high above water, we all wish there is an easier way to live our lives. But, can a strong family be able to ease the burden for these children when they live in such a modern fast paced society? To answer this question, we must turn to the characters of the two novels that represent a large portion of the youths in today's society.

And then from there I start summarizing the whole story about how bad their lives are, which is a big problem because I don't know what to do after that. And I actually like the thesis right now, so I don't plan on altering the thesis for the paragraphs. Well I guess this is what they call writer's block, sigh.

Kurogashi

Mar 19, 2010

Writing Feedback / Introduction/Thesis Help (good family = good future, bad family = bad future) [9]

Dam, I can't edit my post after a certain time frame. Anyway, I choose not to go that route actually. I like to refrain myself from talking about "success" because it is way to ambiguous for me to sum it up in a few paragraphs. It varies from person to person. Plus, this is an English assignment based on two books that we have chosen for ourselves, and i'll try to stick to the context as close as possible because the assignment was to use your books to support your argument (which I should have made clearer).

And I just noticed that I do use like in your context, so nevermind. lol

Kurogashi

Mar 19, 2010

Writing Feedback / Introduction/Thesis Help (good family = good future, bad family = bad future) [9]

My god, you sound like my English teacher! And yes, I am aware that one of my biggest problem is useless diction and meaningless words. My English teacher too said to go the route that you have suggested!Thank you for the feedback. I'll finish the essay ASAP.

On the side note, I am not too familiar with using the word "like" in the way you have suggested. I have done so once or twice in the past (probably the "wrong" way and not like yours) and the teachers always cross it off. So, nowadays, I just play it safe and avoid the word "like". And are the excessive commas really needed in the end?

Kurogashi

Mar 19, 2010

Writing Feedback / I believe that both classmates and parents have considerable influence on children [4]

I'm sorry but, there were a lot of mistakes in the first paragraph and I stopped reading it. I didn't mean to offend you if I come off that way. Sorry to state the obvious but, try to proofread it before getting other people to help you structurally/theoretically (in my opinion).

Kurogashi

Mar 19, 2010

Writing Feedback / Introduction/Thesis Help (good family = good future, bad family = bad future) [9]

Hi, I am new here, and forgive me if I post this in the wrong forum.
I'm doing an essay on how basically good family = good future, bad family = bad future. It's quite ambiguous but, it is the common theme in the two books I have read.

Here is my introduction and my biggest concern is the thesis, which should state the good/bad future statement. I am having trouble continuing with the essay because of the thesis. It's hard to write about something that I am still not sure of. So please help and thank you in advance.

In a world filled with wars, environmental disasters, and indiscriminate crime, it is a wonder how anyone can laugh, fall in love, and live life to its fullest. It seems as though at every turn, there is an obstacle after another. So, how is it possible to navigate through all of these horrors and love life? The key is a strong family. The family must be supportive, caring and understanding. Because it is this family, that allows us to successfully navigate through the horrors of life. However, not everyone is fortunate enough to be born into this kind of family. Instead, they have to search for an alternative, someone who may be able to replace this ideal family. In the novels book 1 and book 2, both antagonists share the same fate. Neither of them had a strong family, instead theirs were corrupt and slowly, the two boys ended up as rotten apples not falling too far from the tree. This is why we as social beings need a strong family, in order for us to not to fall into the depths of despair by repeating the wrongs of those who came before us but instead, to flourish and develop ourselves into the figures of society who may one day support the path our child choose to walk on.