Graduate / Memorable event: When our college invited donations to build a new dorm [3]

One more essay about my contribution to communities. Pls help
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Being brought up in a poor family, I always keep in mind the importance of my contributions to surround communities. In 1999, my father encouraged me to become a Seventh-day adventist and to participate in church's community services. I joined our church's choir and youth members every Saturday to visit elderly and needy people to share their difficulties. Beside, I served in other church services to organize wedding ceremonies for poor couples by staying at church, sometimes until midnight to decorate for the ceremony and then to serve as a waitor during their wedding parties.

Despite of several extracuricular activities in college, the most memorable event was when our college invited donation to build new domitory. I and other students were involved in that fund-raising event where we sold souvenirs and food to visitors and donated all of our profit.

My spirit to work for the good of my community continues when I returned after graduation. I and my family often co-ordinate with our church to organize charitable trips to distant areas where minorities live and deliver presents during holidays. I'm always proud of my past contributions and will continue serving for my community.

Scholarship / Ambition to become an oustanding commodity trader (Postgraduate Economics program) [11]

Hello,

This is the first time i'm writing essay for scholarship application. They're asking to write short description (less than 200words) about my proposed program and why i choose it. I'm applying for Economics program but my working experience is in Trading.

I really need yr help to comment on my essay's grammar & content. Is it too formal, general or hard to understand?
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Globalization is rapidly changing the scope and nature of international trade, especially commodity trading. As I've experienced, key changing factors mostly belong to international economic issues instead of commodity market itself. Thus, I was immediately impressed by xxxx program from xxxx to study and understand underlying economic forces and principles. Though the program is not really focusing on commodity trading, it will perfectly supplement for my inadequate skills in (1) understanding the impacts of international economic factors and how these principles may be analyzed in the context of commodity trading sector; (2) studying how to use financial tools and techniques to forecast commodity price as well as to hedge trading risks and (3) understanding about real-time trading floors and strategies to trade efficiently.

With strong ambition to become an oustanding commodity trader and one of pioneers in commodity's trading floors in xxxx, I believe this proposed course will provide me excellent skills for higher achievement in my future career. In addition, it makes me well persuaded that the qualification achieved from this program will help me contribute more to the development of xxxx's trading industry as well as enhance bilateral trading activities between xxxx and other countries, especially xxxx.

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Thanks
Kenny