Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 "Finding my purpose of life" (Be strict with critiques) [4]

I have to say that it is a well written essay, but I think that it will be better if you specify your point a little more. For example, you can focus on your service at HOBY, give more details about it and explain why it is important to you more specifically. At the end of the passage you can make broader statement, like you want to influence people positively with your effort.